Wednesday, August 31, 2005

A guessing game

Show you guys a photo i've been relinquishing this few days...

You may ask:
a. Linus*?
b. me?
c. my baby?
d. my brother?
e. my mum when she's young?

Give me your answers, quick! If you guessed it correctly, there's a one night free stay @ my home sweet home abode.... anyone interested??

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

the odds & the bits and pieces

Today's blog topic is to plagiarize from myfavouriteblogger of his current 'hot' blog post called 'defining moments'. it was a homework sort of thing. each of his ardent fans are to drop comments about the moments in our life that had shaped the present us. but having lived for more than 20odd years, i find it quite hard to get the 'defining moments' out as probably some might be so painful that i've erased it from my memory. but anyway, pleased to share some here with you guys:

1) dad was diagnosed with nose cancer. whole family's appetite changed from meaty diets to herbivorous diets to accomodate him. everyone was feeling down. and seeing him grew skinner each day after his chemotherapy breaks my heart. promised myself to take care of him whenever he's sick. or at least be concerned.

2) first experience of 'sending' my paternal (deceased) grandfather off till his last breath. sob sob... spent most of my mum's & me time from the hospital to his comfort zone and next to his deathbed. never experienced such close contact with a dying person before. swore to cherish every single moment with my loved ones.

3) failed my science in my o'levels. wanted to study this special diploma in food and science technology in temasek poly. haha. couldnt believe that i was actually weak in science instead of maths. so i changed my interest to hotel management.

4) jumped onto the SHATEC bandwagon. the once popular school to learn about hospitality managment. sounds pretty cool right?was interviewed before i got selected to be enrolled. and i heard from my bro that my mum had kept the letter and changed her mind about letting me go there. threatened to leave home. but didnt bring out my belongings.

5) at the age of 19, stepped into the 'working world' at singapore changi airport. a gateway to the world. flew to at least 5 different countries each year. repeating two countries in two years over a period of 7 youthful years served. marvellous experience gained as a staff and as a tourist from all walks of life. all that made possible by the free ticket given by the company every year. matured faster than my classmates who spend their time in classrooms.

6) then when u think u have met the right person in your entire life, and is ready to commit yourself, you realised that the person is 'also ready' to accomodate another women in his life. worse than a bad hair's day. 100times more powerful than the wasabi nuts. never to trust men again. period.

7) then i met another guy(Linus*) through a 'special kind of experience'. but after two years of spending our time together, he decide to end it off. took me lots of effort to pick myself up and made myself to believe that God would send someone better along. soon i hope. and i've almost used up all my plasters.

8) met my mentor (currently crowned the greatest and the nicest since i've not met anyone better). he has taught me lots of things.lessons in life,love etc.

9) and through my mentor, i got to know about the 'completed and perfected favoured religion' for mankind sent from God.went against all odds from family and friends to embrace islam because i trust what i believe. but i almost lost the shelter over my head. perservered and won my family over about accepting my decision. i guessed this has been the biggest turning point in my life because i had to adapt myself with so many changes in my lifestyle. more 'akan datang'.

10) still continuing my journey and had daringly shared my pre and post conversion problems, trials and tribulations at this blog and extending my wings here.

well, i guess that's it for now. thanks to Nawooz & mistyeiz who have offered your more than rm0.02 worth of advice, and providing the best support in my blog.

hope it didnt bore you guys. yawnz.....

Monday, August 29, 2005

I just spit out an Elephant (finally)

I had long prepared my resignation letter, waiting for the right time to hand it in to my manager. hesitated and made so many changes to the effective date because of certain factors that were holding me back in this pithole.
i was on the verge of handing out my letter the moment i received my FIRST. the One and Only job offer for these 2 years that i've tried(not quite first one, cos timing wasn't right i rejected two offers). when i finally got one, the very first person that i very much wanted to share the good news was my mentor. finally, when i had the opportunity to tell him, he didnt sound happy for me. weird i thought. i remembered he said that the organization was okay but later he revealed that it was best that i should avoid the entertainment line. but i thought otherwise, so long the organization have no qualms about me wearing my 'preferred attire', i should give it a shot. well, i guessed its not meant to be afterall. i was really disappointed. because i still don't get to leave this place. i am really unhappy here. no matter how much i tried to shift my perspective, things got from bad to worse. it didnt get very worse but just didnt get better. (sounds the same though)
so my mentor suggested that i should try the other organization that his friend worked in. thought that might be more conducive for me.less gossip. so he volunteered his assistance by getting the email address for me and when i was done with that, i told him that i wanted to hand in my resignation letter. he told me to be patient and i should wait for the other organization to respond first. and he even said that i would be rewarded for my patience. but i couldnt take it anymore. i can be patient but not with matters relating to leaving this place i no longer feel comfortable to be in.
i was pretty sad and low-spirited when i was told to hold back my letter. that was on a wednesday i think. then i began my sleepless nights since. when i thought i could hold back a little longer, a staff from the accounts department further exasperated me. that was two days later. i thought to myself: i do not want to face any nonsense from these people anymore. no matter how much patience i was tested, i felt that this was it. i had ENOUGH!! i spend so much time here, i do not want myself to get soaked in this kind of environment, spoiling my good and cheerful spirit and get nurtured into someone devilish.
i handed the letter to my manager and told him my decision first thing in the morning. first thing he asked: "unhappy here?" i wanted to say yes but i want to save the 'best for last'. probably during the exit interview. and when the letter was handed, i just felt like i've offloaded a heavy piece of boulder off from my shoulder. like as though something was stuck in my throat diaphragm and finally i spat it out! It was a total relief! but then again, i need to suffer another two months here because of the stupid eight weeks notice the company laid down in the contract. never mind, chang tong bu ru duan tong. 'short term pain better than long term pain' (that's the translation)
Okay, though i've done something despite your advice. but i do hope that you can try and understand what i've been through down here. you might not be able to understand what i went through because you are not in that position. i've tried all ways and means to find out but i was never given a second chance. so i'm not going to beg for a third chance anymore. like what amy says:" I dont need their friendship anyway, if they choose to behave like small kids."
and for the first time,i've kept my resignation away from my parents. sorry mum dad, i just dont want additional nagging.

Thursday, August 25, 2005

a topic which not everyone likes...

Continued from the 'not-so-popular-blog subject'.... generally termed as religion...

As i was saying i need to say thanks to many many people. family,friends,relatives and of course not forgetting my mentor.

Please note this people. take it with a pinch of salt. content might not be suitable for all. not a 'one size fits all' thing. and the order of preference would be according to the level of utmost importance to me. you either read it from the bottom or take it right from the top. nevertheless, everyone plays an important part in this big big step i've taken.

My family: my mum, dad and brother. my parents initially of course was the biggest hurdle to cross because especially my mum. she took it the heaviest. because i feel that never in her life would she imagine that i would step into the world of Islam. and when they heard that i was taking up studies on that topic, they threatened to chase me out of the house if i were to convert one day without their consent. but thank God.i still have a shelter now over my head. my brother took it the lightest. no major reaction though but keep pressing me to tell him my blog his age, nothing matters except fun fun fun. so religion to him,neh, not my cup of offence really.if you are seeing this.

MM(not minister mentor) but shortform for My Mentor: Together with God's will, he took the time to explain the details of Islam to me. he said because i wanted to know so that's why he shared. as the interest grows, he volunteered to bring me for my first orientation course, and then motivated me to go study the Beginner's course at Muslims' Converts Association of S'pore. and instead of spending time with his girlfriends, he sacrificed that and accompanied me to the class. isnt he so sweet? unfortunately, halfway through he had left s'pore on a job assignment. so i went there on my own. it was quite tough because the questions and doubts all had to be put on hold. and this happened for all the rest of the courses i attended. due to his busy schedule, he could no longer keep me company for the rest of the courses i registered. i've lost a study companion. everytime i go for my class, i saw most of my classmates were paired up with their malay bfs or gfs. at that time, i wished i had one too. (; and i always felt that it was so much easier to ask questions from my mentor if he were to be present in the class. anyway, i've been fine throughout the 3 courses that i've signed and attended on my own. Praise be to God. though my mentor might not be always available when i was really at my odds' end but nevertheless, i was really really glad that he had been around all this time. Thank you so much, MM.

My friends: some had been supportive but some had been receptive. and there was a particular good friend of mine whom i really cherished. i kinda lost that friendship through some misunderstandings. i wrote about her in my previous blog. no i didnt insult or defame her but just trying to emphasize the goodness about being a muslim. i might have hurt her unintentionally and she have ignored me since. i may have lost some friends but with God's grace, i gained double of what i have lost.

my cousins: only from the Ho family so far. i've went out with them twice for dinner. i wore my 'headscarf attire' but they didnt make me feel awkward and understood my position. i really need to thank them for their understanding. for accepting who i am and not what i become.

this journey has really changed my attitude and perception towards life. though i may not have been through this conversion long enough to talk big big philosophies in life to you but having gone through 6 months of enrichment lessons, the essence of being a good muslim is growing. and because Islam is deen, and deen is a way of life. a way of life is about incorporating the guidance given by God into your daily work and life. as one good blogger, ms misty puts in, there are bound to have groups of zealous extremists tarnishing the image of Islam. everywhere.

Anyway, thank you for dropping by and reading up to the very last sentence.

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

a surprise breakfast

Since the 'Desperate Housewives are over, now i'm hooked on this reality show from the US. this is the 3rd season i've watched. and it's really cool. the famous model, Tyra Bank. She's sexy, beautiful and have no airs. so she start hunting potentials by viewing the thousands videos sent in to her and shortlisting the hundreds to the hopefuls of about 50. when the show started, they eliminated to 20 for the 'reel show on the catwalk'. these are the beautiful women who dare to dream and pursue their biggest dreams on the walkway. from the show, you get to see very beautiful and sexy women in their early adulthood vying to remain to compete for the one and only spot for America's Next Top Model.

from the show, you see very confident, very proud, very boastful women, or women who quarrel over the minutest things and they pick up fights. from the so many episodes i've followed, i've come to this conclusion that women are created to be vain people. women by large, loved to be beautiful.and the very first factor to be considered beautiful is a good complexion. this will give you that extra boost to look, feel and be confident. because when you are beautiful, you are confident. but when you only have so-so looks, you don't have too much confidence because of the way you look. i categorised myself as mentioned earlier. like any other girl-next-door. big eyes, fair and freckled face and some scars arising from the occassional outbreaks on my face. visulize and you go hmmm....anyway, no one would be interested to look at 'plain jane'. but of course, i am still appreciative of the looks that had been created by God.

This morning, i had the sweetest surprise!!! as the title implies, i've got a surprised breakfast item from Linus* Isn't he sweet? i was touched by this little act. the sms came first. this was his exact words:

"I bought breakfast for you. Its in the pantry. white package."

I was really astounded. amazed. esctatic. you might think i'm nuts. just a breakfast only why get so excited about it, but well, these kind of moments don't come all the time. so perks like this do really brighten up my day so to speak.

but early this morning i had bought two fried eggs to go along with my white bread. so i had decided to keep the pastry till lunch. but shockingly, this was what i found out: (see the picture below to understand more) People who saw me taking the pixs thought i wanted to complain to Delifrance. no la i won't. although i am a singaporean, but i'm not a complaint queen. sadly, one of the endearing traits was to complain about everything PRACTICALLY.

Where is the fillings??Looked so empty.

Sunday, August 21, 2005

the forbidden(or forgotten) stuff

"Forbidden Emotions are hard to bury, unspoken emotions are torture"

For keepsake of sweet sweet memories:

1. missed the times he used to twirl my hair. though it hurts most of the time, but i enjoyed it. i'm a sadist. sometimes i get to enjoy the acts of him twirling his hair.

2. missed the times we would go and pack our dinner at our fav hangout. then we would rush home and watch tv and eat our dinner together. desserts: snuggle up in each other's arms.

3. missed the times when i present his gifts to him, i would get a special prize from him.

4. missed those times when we spent chatting about everything under the sun. we could talk like we've known each other for so long. (its hard to find one that you can talk to almost about everything)

5. missed those times when we enjoyed good movies together.

6. missed the times he made bread with egg mayo and asam or prawn maggi concoct with his own recipes for me.

7. missed those times where automatically he would ask me for dinner. and i could tag along wherever he goes.

8. missed those times when he really missed me. and without fail, every morning, i would get breakfast for him and he would smsed me every single day.EverySingleDay. without fail.

9. most importantly, missed those sms-es with the word 'huney' that came buzzing into my phone. missed those goodnight kisses too.(virtual ones la of course)

so ever since this happened, i've stooped to cooking up excuses to ask him out, on his part, he has STOPPED doing all that inviting he used to do. PERIOD.

saddening though. so many changes to cope recently. but no matter how difficult it is to adapt, we still need to understand that life still need to go on. and take it as a challenge as decreed by God.

Friday, August 19, 2005

Overworked and underpaid!!!

Sometimes i'm confused over what are my job responsibilities and duties as a marketing officer. when i was first employed, i was known as a marketing communications officer. but when i first prepared my first correspondence letter to the insurance companies, my direct boss said that it wasnt appropriate to sign off as a marketing comm officer because that would confuse our clients. and i had to change it as customer service officer! I felt cheated! I couldnt think or work properly for a week. I was practically feeling so down about the title change. I couldnt accept it and i was very angry with my other manager too. Sigh... My direct boss is a male and my PR manager is a female. both work differently, they act differently towards eah other too. On the surface, she agrees with what he says. contrary to her 'artificial' behaviour, she actually says lots of bad things about him behind his back when he's not around... beware of such back stabbers in your office!

despite the excessive job responsibilities piling on me from my own PR duties to customer service, and operations to accounts, i don't demand a high pay in this office. just a meagre salary. and which i just found out that with the workload that i've been piled with, i'm the lowest paying employee. with benefits you can count without using both of your hands. and i have to put up the nonsense, particularly from an account executive from a department which she deemed to be the busiest and was branded as the backbone of the organisation. she has this mentality hence her attitude have always been so very unpleasant. she's beginning to be very personal towards me. holding back my petty cash reimbursement and not advancing cash when i really have AN URGENT NEED. practically having to put up with all this, i have always put on a smile to all this treatment given.

whatever her accounts staff require inorder to expedite payment from our clients, i would try and rush it out asap for them. well of course, they dont pay me. but neither was my pay been conditioned to be paid to accept such treatment from her. i dont remember signing any contract that has such conditions. and recently, all my boss had to do was to chase them (accounts) to get our clients to pay the outstanding amount before the STUPID AUDITORS come. the accounts would just conveniently shove the stuff for me. lucky she has this gentle natured colleague in that department. unlike her, the requests she passed down was a proper 'seeking for help' tone. but her account executive boss's tone was like; 'hey! you better do this fast!' otherwise face questioning by big boss...

all this work come at one go. everything lump together at the same time. all they say or do is chase and chase. and just shove the ball out of their court. no, the cycle stops here. i got no one else but to take in all these. sure i can handle but i just couldnt take it lying down. perhaps i should sit. if sit cannot, maybe i can squat.

Dont Do also Complain. Do also complain Sloww.... so hard to please one...

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

the not-so-popular blog post

Do you own a blog? Blogging have created so much attention as more and more people turned to blogging to voice out their personal thoughts or interests. bloggers from the young to the working adults, to the withered and wrinkled and my recent findings, a very busy CEOof an insurance company selling his products. and the creative ones would have their blog nicely put up with their own blog skins...really cool!
Blogging provides a space which you called it your own on the www can name it after your pet, your mother, father, your company, your lover. or something you like very much. maybe named in loving memory after a dead person or a blog title totally out of this world. I started my first at it has all the first hand account of my turbulent journey from pre, post and present situation after i began a journey in search of the truth.. as the addiction to blog became 'unstoppable', i created another blog when i was in a very insecure 'domestic partnership-friendship-relationship' with a guy that i liked every much. and from that blog, were comments left behind by kind-hearted and sympathetic soul to 'heal' my broken heart. and it all began from those heartwarming comments from the kind-hearted soul that lead me to the very first blog called "Nonsensical Logic" (cant remember the exact spelling) but now is popularly known as The World from My Eyes. ever since, i could not stop myself from reading it...
What do you like to blog about? i noticed about the popularity of blogging about pub or club hopping, from Zouk to DXO to MoMo, about political issues revolving around their countries and some blogging about how many levels have they won in a maplestory game. of so many blogs i've come across, nobody has ever been so attracted or tempted to write about religion issues. i might not be the first but i'm definitely not the last to do so.
Questions which people ask me are:
a)"Eh, why you convert ah?marriage ah? so when you getting married?"
b)"Got a malay boyfriend? so when getting married?"
c)"Sure or not, this religion so good meh?"religion play play only what. why so serious one."
and when you tell them the reasons that got you attracted to the religion, they go "Oh i see." that's it. no one bothers to find out more. no one would say: "Oh, can i follow the next time you attend your class?" NO. because religion to some is purely amusement or a pastime during retirement. But islam is more than just a religion. It is a way of life as what it is truly known. it is not a religion for terrorists, extremists or just a religion for the 'dark-skinned' fellow men. Islam is about coming back to where you belong originally. i share with you this verse, simple one. to ponder:
"Your Guardian-Lord is Allah, Who created the heavens and the earth in six days, and is firmly established on the throne (of authority): He draweth the night as a veil o'er the day, each seeking the other in rapid succession: He created the sun, the moon, and the stars, (all) governed by laws under His command. Is it not His to create and to govern? Blessed be Allah, the Cherisher and Sustainer of the worlds" Al-Quran 7:56
You may not grab the entire beautiful meaning in just this verse. but put it simply, God created the universe for us. with animals and plants for our sustenance on earth. with the sun and the moon to differentiate day and night so that mankind can rest. with gravity so that we can stand on our feet firmly otherwise even earth can also be felt like as though you are in space. it was the wonders of nature on this entire universe that drew me closer and closer to Islam, hence the decision to embrace it all on my own free will, at no expense of compulsion whatsoever. and i have a few people to thank for being able to come this far...

to be continued....

Friday, August 12, 2005

An online invitation

I wasn't sure if i should put this up online because i dont know if Linus* would see this. and because i was rejected most of the time, i became unsure if this was the right approach about this invitation.blogging could work better,perhaps. or maybe i should have hind sight that his acceptance of my invitation might not come true.but anyway, i would like to try.
Okay Linus*.... here's the details of my invitation as follows:
Date: 14 august 2005
Time: 11am
Place: Town
As the above refers, I would like to ask you out on the mentioned date. there's a great comedy showing now, "Wedding Crashers" and there's a great restaurant that serves up good tantalizing food and desserts. and i think i would like to enjoy great movies and good food with the company i enjoyed most, and i always believe that good stuff must be shared with the people i like. of course, you are one of my few favourites. surely this invitation goes to you honourably. and i've decided to combine these 2 offers on this particular day. it maybe quite a challenge to you because:
1. you are committed to your parents
2. you are committed to your brother
3. you are busy running your family's errands
4. you are busy with your 'personal and private' stuff
5. all of the above.
But despite your busy schedule, if you are able to accept this invitation, please drop me an email or drop your comments in this blog. You may contact the undersigned at her private email should you have any clarifications or wish to make any confirmations or reservations on your seat.
N.B: This offer is only valid for 2 sundays. failing which no reply had been heard, this should become null and void.

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

a close shave

Yesterday i had planned to go climb some stairs to burn some fats off my body. ahh... just couldnt drag myself out of my bed. i cant remember what time was it when i finally got out from my bed. sub-consciously and half-awaken, i dragged my feet to the kitchen and found a note from my mum:

Daddy and myself have gone out to pray to ah kong (my 'expired' grandfather). i'm cooking lunch so please stay at home to eat. so we will be back by 12pm.

sharks.i exclaimed. i quickly opened up the pots and pans. found out that there was rice and two other dishes. i panicked. it has been always been the norm to cook some dishes at home and she would bring them to the temple during the seventh month ghost festival as offerings of 'spiritual food' to the dead ancestors. i remembered the very first time i received counselling, the counsellor told me that muslims can't consume food that are offered to the dead. the basis being you only pray and worship One God. because if you do, you are acknowledging that there are people Higher than Him, or that you believe that there is someone who is more Powerful and Sovereign than Him. the first person i thought of approaching to clarify my doubts was my mentor. but hmmm, it's a holiday man. so for sure he wont be available for me. so the next person i looked for was another sister who had converted for more than 10years. i text her but at the same time, i sms-ed another sister who had converted since last Sept 11. She replied first, stating that we aren't allowed to consume any food that had been already offered to the idols or the dead. so i've come up with several options:

Option 1: run out of the house as soon as possible. fork out a white lie, saying that i've got a lunch appointment already. skip all the food.
Reaction 1: she would be very disappointed.

Option 2: stay at home and face the music. try to explain things and see how it goes. but things might turn out ugly though.
Reaction 2: she would be very angry and upset. wrong impression created and the peaceful image of islam that i was trying so hard to portray would be tarnished...

Option 3: scoop out the 'clean servings' directly from the pot as those aren't offered yet. at least i tried to eat her food. then if she ask, i'll try and tell her nicely about my restrictions.
Reaction 3: SCREAMinggg... FUMIngg mad with me... ShOUTIngg at me: " I totally cannot accept your reasons. How can you ever say such things? How can you ever live harmoniously with us in this family?"

okay. so take it or leave it. do also die, dont do also die. just pray hard lor.

i decided to take option 2 and stay put. before i could scoop out the vegetables, she came back home. sharks la. but surprisingly, when i told her that i would be eating those from the pot, she didnt make noise, neither did she asked why... hmmm... she did cut some 'vegetarian fried ham' and offered to me. i quickly rejected. she said; 'aiya, why don't eat? i know u at home, that's why i buy and bring go and pray?' pointing to my mountain of rice and vegetables, i excused myself on the pretext of having so much in my plate already. by the time i finished my plate of lunch, no questions were shot at me. strange. hmmm....

later on, when i went out with her, she asked me what would i do if i were to meet a guy who doesnt want to embrace the same faith as i do. what would you think be my answer?

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

Happy Birthday!!!

Happy 40th Birthday Singapore!!! Oh yes, you have come this far. as you mature from a young seedling sprout to a mature and sovereign nation tasting four decades of independence. i might not be as patriotic as i used to be during my school days but i do love this country who have sheltered and shielded me from big torrential downpours and thunderous storms. and because i am proud to be where i am as a singaporean, i wanted to re-affirm that special identity so i joined in the 'sensually fervent' pledge taking in the comfort of my home.

singapore. a little red dot with big hopes and dreams as quoted by our PM. maybe for a small minortiy, singaporeans do have big dreams and goals. some wanted to achieve on a personal level and some for the country.i'm sure u guys have read it in the papers about the many aspiring sportsmen and women alike, wanting to climb the highest mountains or break a world record etc... just like the recent 26year old student who attempted the English channel swim. when he completed, he pointed to the singapore flag and exclaimed that he did it for Singapore. he got the courage. he dared to dream and he made it. Congrats, PJ!

in the N-day message, PM has also emphasized his concerns about building a solid and perfect education system, assisting the people with rising medical costs, creating jobs and providing training for the unskilled people, and bringing in more talent for economic growth etc. The government cares. TOO MUCh, some might think and TOO PERFECT also. but how perfect it can be, over a period of time, flaws can be visible. just like harline cracks on the wall. i overheard a smoker complaining in the kopitiam: "aiya, government terok la. this one also cannot, that one also must control. smoking in kopitiam also want to can? and you know what, the person who came up with this ruling.i saw his son smoking." How ironic. frankly, it all boils down to each and every individual to ponder or fend for their thoughts, actions or initiatives. government can only do that much. but consider 'that much' of work they have done, bear in mind afterall YOU decide how you can make things work for yourself. individual or cohesive effort?

and talking about tolerance level, irregardless of race, language or religion as what our pledge commands, a minority of singaporeans are still far off from what they pledge. because racists talks are dominant and on the rise in a company populated with more chineses over the malays or indians.if the malays can tolerate the 'ashes' flying around in the air during this month, i'm sure the chineses can also tolerate the 'call of the prayer' too though, undeniably, the frequency is higher than that of yours. maybe adults would excuse themselves because they no longer need to pledge this anymore during morning assemblies. if not for the annual affair of reaffirming your identity and love for your country, i think it would soon be deemed forgotten by many. so much for a 'one united people'.

back to my own portfolio.this year, a second time for me.together with my other colleagues,we have to participate in a national day observance jointly organised by the three major network transport companies in s'pore as an effort to commemorate the nation's independence day. this year, i wasnt quite looking forward to the day. i had the intention to take mc on that day. i would briefly explain that participants consists of many personnel from different departments and different subsidiaries. like last year, he participated in this national day observance too. we had to sit in a chartered bus heading for the stadium. he was seated next to his most beloved and favourite neighbour. and worse still, they were seating behind me. i was with another colleague. this year, i would be alone. and i dread going through pangs of poignant isolation growing day by day as my relationship with my colleagues soured... i do not want to go through any 'sour grape' feeling or witness any actions or moments that i might be 'isolated' from the group.thank God. i got another meeting to attend elsewhere. a big sigh of relief!

Disclaimer: this blog is not 'racist-tested'. and no personal attacks against race, religion whatsoever.

Sunday, August 07, 2005

almost there...

The weekend is going to be over soon. in a couple of hours. and the rest of the night is to spent to sleep away the rest of the sunday. and that dreaded workplace would be the very first spot i hit when dawn breaks...

saturday came.i skipped my exercise regime. guessed i was totally burn out throughout the week, thus the lethargic momentum hits me so badly that i slept through till 1100hours on saturday. first thing i did after i washed up was to rummage through the whole refridgerator to find food for my famished soul but nothing found. went down to get food but nothing much was left. at this point, i just felt that even if you have plenty of money, you still cant cure your hunger. what does this tell you? money cant do wonders all the time.

a call came in about 1300hours asking to meet some friends from HK. was actually quite tired and sleepy but still dragged myself out. mingled around with them. there were some Pakistanis who could speak very fluent cantonese. Impressive! took photos with them, and exchanged email address to keep in touch. then i left for the market to get some necessities. when it was about time, i took a bus to a convert's friend place for dinner and movies. she cooked japanese ramen with lots of vegetables. there was red, green, beige colours. really appetising. and i mistook the fish slices as garlic. haha. and i actually picked them out and left them at the side of the plate. she might have thought i was a fussy girl. haha. and the strange thing was i had lots of fish bone in the plate of noodles while she had none?? we watched 'The Message' and then she had this brilliant idea of hoping that some great directors could bring this to the big screen again, especially in times when the second largest religion in the world is greatly misunderstood by many and its reputation is at stake. its a great story. just like troy and kingdom of heaven.

today i skipped my exercise again. but i was awaken by Linus* at thought it was a breakfast call? fat hope. woke up feeling famished again. wanted to cook brunch but was only left with chicken hotdogs. the feeling is great when you can slack at home so i continued with my reading. ironing. spring cleaning. the only plan i had was to go to MacDonald's for twister fries. ain't i behaving like a kid? i know i'm not, because i ain't interested in any Happy Meal (:

the numbers have gone down although i did saw at least 5 on saturday itself. but on sunday, i have been staying at home all day, i'm pretty safe from seeing too much F.M. but i guess without the cars, there's still the 'voice' in the MP3 which i had no choice but to hear, the sms-es in my phone which i cant resist and the memories that were triggered from reading them. anyway, i could feel that i'm much better now compared to the day of 8/7 when it happened. Happier. perhaps i'm coming to terms about having to face this test decreed upon me.

a test of faith perhaps?

Friday, August 05, 2005

Post movie update

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. this is the movie we watched it yesterday. it was a free movie preview for privilged policyholders.

Chocolates recently has stirred up quite a bit in nawooz's blog. why does indulgence in chocolates is sinful? and women have always exclaimed; ' Oh no! sinful desserts again! chocolate brownie, chocolate truffles, chocolate mousse cake, chocolate chip muffins and much much more... yummy... why would we categorise it as sinful when everybody just love chocolates? well, it could be linked to the ingredients found in chocolates(trans-glyceride fats, skimmed milk, cocoa mass powder etc) that aren't easily digested and it only goes to one place: the waistline! but besides that, i would like to add that the basis of what Mr Willy Wonkar has said. chocolates releases endorphines, and this causes you to feel happy as though you are in love. i totally agree with this.

back to our date.i enjoyed his company more than the movie. ha. if only i could lean much closer. if only they could start the movie earlier. by the time it finished it was almost 2330hours and i knew i had to go home myself as it was getting late and due to my 'experiences' i had a few times, i forked out quite a bit of money on taxis and midnight charges. but fortunate i know i was last night, he send me home. but i felt kinda bad because he stayed in the northern and i was in the eastern part. furthermore his family called him up about 2300hours, probably worried about him. to make matters worse, we got lost in the carpark because we had forgotten where we parked the car. so that was it. no goodnight kisses. no goodnight hugs. when he reached home, he informed me. a weird looking sms with no 'huney'. "I'm Home".

maybe he would enjoy Fantastic 4 more than this. nowadays, movies based on marvel comics are much more exciting though the storyline are very basic. baddies fighting with the heros. heros win, baddies go to jail or get transformed into some metallic form and gets locked up.

now, more good movies seemingly are 'akan datang'. i wonder has he close up all the doors to the possibilities of me asking him out for more movies. watching movies these days have become an expensive affair. it is just not as affordable as it used to be.

Thursday, August 04, 2005 beautiful today?

Linus* gave me 3 surprises over the last few days.

on 31.7.05 @ 1343hours, he called me. (previously, i grouped him under this caller group, and when he buzz me, my fav song 'Close to you' will be played. but i have changed that so that i wont get sad. but actually, i dont have to get sad when it plays, because he never calls!haha) so i thought it was one of my friends (friends are grouped under this song, 'Yellow') and when i saw his name displayed, i couldn't believe my eyes. maybe there was something wrong with my phone or the operator.Thank God, when i opened the flip of my phone, i saw the picture that i tagged onto his number. the picture made me smile in my voice but our conversation lasted less than 10mins.

the second surprise was on 1.8.05 @ 1310hours, he asked me for lunch.sharks. bad timing. i had just utilised my lunchtime to sleep, otherwise i could have taken this opportunity to lunch with him. too bad. right now, simple things like these would delight me like as being on cloud nine.

and this last surprise is going to happen today. on tuesday, he invited me for movies. woww... of course i was elated.i thought it would never happen anymore. so i put on my best suit and got dressed up for the date, like as though i'm really going out on a date with him. my colleagues asked me why was i so beautifully dressed up today and i told them i've got a date. hehe... i always put on my best clothes so that he would look nice too while walking with me, but i never got the chance to get complimented by him like how he complimented on 'the swan'. maybe my face value still not up to the 'swan' standard so i'm not worth praising.

just hope that God can give me only the beautiful things for today. wait for my good news.

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

it was a truly a learning experience

Yesterday i learned lots of wise advisor took out some of his precious time and enlightened me on some issues related to the dos and donts in the religion. he felt that he wasn't talking logic but from experience. so i told him i'm new so anything that i have never come across, i would definitely take it as a logical advise or information. i even told him i dont have many referrals whom i can seek help with, and he suddenly kept quiet.wonder what will he do to help me?

yesterday was also my tawhid lesson. tawhid lessons have always been one of my favourite subject. tawhid= oneness of God. and i never failed to miss any of the lessons. uh-ah, not because of the teacher but because of the invariable amount of knowledge that the teacher has shared with the class with his style of teaching. he always ask intriguing questions. questions that will spur your mind to think hard for the answers. and even though i was already so tired by the time the class starts at 8pm, i would sit up straight, listen attentively and actively participate in answering his questions. i'm into module 2 already. so sometimes he would bring up questions he had asked before in module 1. so when my classmates and i had recalled his examples, and throw similar answers back to him, he was so surprised that we would still remember what he said.

every ustaz would seem so concerned about the welfare and development of converts, because every now and then, they heard stories about them embracing islam because of marriage. he felt that this reason would not suffice or provide a solid foundation of Islam in their hearts. because if the man is found to be unfaithful, the wife would probably be also 'unfaithful' to islam, and would head back as an unbeliever again. this of course is very bad and unhealthy he said. and my fiqh teacher would always get so agitated whenever he talks about converts that do not pay attention to issues like not performing prayers as required after conversion, or covering up the aurat as required etc... he caught one of my class mate removing her scarf the moment she left the school. when the teacher said that, she and her boyfriend and me looked at each other...

everytime when they talk about these converts, i'm thankful that i'm not one of those converts who dont take religion seriously.i'm really really grateful, thankful and in full deep appreciation towards God for giving me this opportunity to learn about islam in my life. because of his mercy and his guidance, i've learned to love, study and follow his teachings wholeheartedly. alhamdullilah. i've embraced islam because i want to, not because i need to do it for marriage. the teacher then relates an example between a born muslim as a person who has won a car and a muslim convert who bought a car with his hard earned money.for the owner of the won car, even if there are scratches, he wouldnt care.and to the person who works hard to buy the car with his own means, would treasure the car with so much love and care. we know how important the truth is for us and we really are serious about keeping and strengthening our faith.

nonetheless, no one is perfect. human beings are created weak as quoted in the Quran. human beings are also prone to desires. It is the freedom of choice that God gave that creates 'accountability'. with the freedom of choice given, any individual is given the freedom to choose whatever religion they want, and whichever idol they want to worship. you just have to be responsible for the choice that you made for yourself. so Al-Fatihah has this verse that says: 'Guide us on the straight path.' because the path would always be laden with boogey traps, tests and tribulations, we must always seek guidance from God to maintain, sustain our faith on the right path. we will just have to remind ourselves everytime.

anyone can have their own beliefs. so i'm not influencing anyone with my choice of belief. just take it or leave it.

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

mixed emotions

I'm not sure if its a good choice to settle down there. and i do not know how long would it take for the london bombings to cool off. probably while waiting for the bombings to clear off, i could use this time to save up for my upcoming living expenses.

i wonder how would it really feel like when you are far away from home Sweet home, in a distant, foreign land? How would it really feel to be all by yourself away from all your friends and your loved ones? i'm sure i would definitely miss my family members and the ones close to my heart. ahh... you know who you are... maybe i might be misunderstood as a gal who runs away from problems and a pessimist who cant stop herself from assuming things. though answers were not provided after many pleas, but somehow or rather i got the answers through your actions.

though the past always seemed so enduringly attractive to go back and reminisce about the good times we shared together, but we cant be living in the past forever. and the clock wont stop ticking away. i can see that you have already discarded them away and had started moving forward. those memories are precious to me so i would never discard them. i would bring these sweet memories into a totally new environment, starting afresh, then perhaps i would be happier.

fears do struck in my heart, about not being able to cope on my own. but nevertheless, this is one of the challenges i have right now. and the other challenge is to be able to heal the pain and sorrow in my heart and climb out from that shell...

Monday, August 01, 2005

plain coincidence or arranged?

For 2 years in this current company, i have at least seen more than a thousand vehicles in and out of my daily routine of emails. as i'm in an automotive industry that deals with accident vehicles and photographs are taken on the damaged vehicles and later to be emailed to the insurance companies. so for these 2 years, i have not seen a single vehicle of his similar make and model. NOT a single one until recently it kept appearing. and for these past two weeks, i have seen them on the road, on the internet and even in my line of work which seldom occured. sharks man.

is this plain coincidence? or the work of God? i think this would normally happens to people who have just fallen out of love. because everytime when you try so hard to forget about the one that breaks your heart, the memories will flood your mind non-stop whenever you see something that reminds of him/her. for me, it had never been an easy task to forget about the person you loved and cherish. everynow and then, memories just flood me. 24/7. the only way to get out of this cycle is to keep myself busy with strangers, friends. objects. toys. food. shopping. aarrrgghh... but lately i felt that the harder i try, the harder it becomes. i thought that i could finally rest my heart with him at this final stop, but i guess i need to run another round of marathon. or maybe i wont run any more. its so tiring to get yourself involved with relationships. one after keep guessing what they want. what he wants. what she wants. all that guessing games adults play... sigh. i wonder if i could consult him about how he deals with his emotions? or maybe he doesn't have them at all?? aiya, i forgot he won't answer my questions... guys. they simply drive you crazy.
that saturday i went shopping with friends after dinner. saw a sale going on in G2000 boutique. shirts. pants. socks. all on sale for up to 70%. after i was done with mine, i went over to the gents section. the socks were on sale at 40% off. hmmm... after some calculations, okay quite cheap. i got a pair. no la, they were not unisex. i bought it with the intention to give it to him but later remembered about what he said, i realised that i could no longer have any excuse to pass it to him. die la.
one bunch of bananas. one of them is rotten.spolit. but that doesnt mean that you would throw away the whole bunch. you still can try your luck at the other bananas in the same bunch right? though that bunch of bananas might not offer a variety of tastes(brown, fried, marinate or original )but i think it's still worth trying... just like if a single tree in the forest is 'sick', doesn't mean you have to burn down the whole forest right? get the picture?