Tuesday, June 28, 2005

human relationships

Why are human to human relationships so difficult to handle? Do we always have to put on a mask or be a hypocrite front but deep down you just don't like that person? do you have any persons/colleagues you don't like and you are actually doing the above as indicated? why is that we are living in such a pretentious society where everybody isn't truthful? what are the factors that mould how we behave towards another opinionated individual? how do you handle communication with another individual you don't like?

for me, i try not to create any hatelist though naturally some people would just wanna try their luck on you, no matter how good you are, the list would be there in no time. trust me, especially when u become popular, or when something bad happens la. i neva thought i would have any problems with friends or even colleagues. actually, i dun even have the slightest idea to how would this happen in the 1st place? it all began when i came to a point of changing my beliefs. a good friend impressed on me her idea of my conversion as trying to be with this guy Linus*. 'Your love won't be requitted, don't be silly la. he's not worth you doing so much you know.' to her and the rest of the people i know, the decision to convert was only about converting because you have to marry into the family. but hey guys, wouldn't u want to know the beautiful picture?

hmmm... and so i was subjected to many eyebrows raised, doubts not clarified,and misunderstandings created all due to the fact that nobody wants to know the 'real picture'... and soon me & this friend drifted further and further. she didn't call me on my birthday so i guessed she's still mad at me. and about a month or two ago, colleagues that used to be close to me began giving me the cold shoulder. i neva knew why the sudden change of attitude. the worse i could think of, might be due to the fact that i've converted to a Malay. (instead of using the proper word called Muslim) Do you know the difference? well i thought it might be just sensitivity on my part, so i try to abort the negativity. i tried to strike conversations, make eye contact, greet people, smile at them, but only today i felt i was being 'slapped'. she turned away. reality bites... Oouucchh... If it was about hanging out with the 'unpopular ones', then why other people hang out with them have no problems? if it was about religion, then again why other people of my same religion got no problems?

i'm not blogging because i need someone to empathise with the amount of support i get on choosing this religion but just channelling my frustrations out here. yeah, even if i wanna ask for a listening ear, who would volunteer to lend me his/her time? that day, i couldn't help it and i teared in the place of worship after my prayers. i wasn't sure if it was alright to do so. i talked to Him in tears with my heart. shortly after, i felt a little better....

*name has been changed to protect their privacy*

Monday, June 27, 2005

my birthday

It was my birthday on 25th June. Sigh... age is catching up... i wish i will always be a sweet 17 year old teenager. time had no been on my side ever since i hit 21years of age. people would always say to me; ' you will become 22, 23, 24 soon the moment you get your 'keys of freedom'. sigh... how true is that statement. i wasn't planning for any big birthday bash but i was hoping that i could spend this special day with my special one, haha if possible with special special gifts too. (;

Last year i got a birthday kiss from him. the memory still lingers fresh in my head. yeah, i was hoping for the same this year. but unfortunately, all i got was just handshakes... nothing else... i was a little disappointed though. we went for a dinner just like last year, but this time, he treated me to a sumptuous dinner. it was an awesome spread of local dishes from the malay, indian, chinese communities. there was also a okay-not-too-bad spread of sweet desserts but our stomachs just couldn't take in all of the goodies spread infront of us. a pity. but i'm thankful to the person that made it possible for me to enjoy the food and the atmosphere and of course his company as well. so when we finished dinner the time was close to 1045pm. so no time for quiet moments. hopped onto his car and alighted along a bus stop to take a bus home myself.

that was how i spend my birthday. in year 2005. no fireworks. no birthday bash... quietly going through the 2Xth phase of life...

but just a few hours ago before i went for my dinner date, i spend my birthday at the beach with my cousins, nephews and nieces and his friends. they bought a cake and sung a birthday song so loudly that i got stares all around me. though the cake wasn't from an independent and reliable source but anyway, it was a kind and sweet gesture from them. thank you everyone.

Friday, June 24, 2005


Today i have taken half day leave from work because i've been submitting resumes to companies i wish to work with. and thank God, two haf responded back.

So after clocking out from work at 1230hrs, i took the bus to chinatown. i have already planned my journey ahead of time. my footsteps hastened the moment i was done with my errands. sweat was trickling down my blouse. hmm... better pour more perfume on myself so that i can 'smell' nice and sweet. (: as i was walking and looking around at the same time, trying to figure out which way should i proceed when i reach the escalator.... i heard an old uncle's voice. it went; 'ah ah ah' and i just missed two flight of the steps and 'ThUmppp' i went straight down on my knees. almost hit the pillar right infront of me. ha..ha.. ha.. i quickly got up on my feet and ran as fast as possible away from the 'scene of embarrassment'. omg!!! it was painful but yet worried that i might sprained my ankle. but it was painful.tGod, i wasn't vain that day. no high heels. pPheww...

when i finally reached the place, i began to sneeze... i was thirsty. wet. sweat was trickling down my spine... oh man... i was early. but i was made to wait for almost 35minutes before the panel of interviewers arrived... alright, interview over and i was told to wait for their call if i am shortlisted for the job. 2weeks the least... wow, that long i have to wait. wait la, what to do...

pray and supplicate for the best...

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

me at work

Everyday i come to work, there isn't anything that i was looking forward to. No pleasant colleagues, no sense of togetherness, no sense of colleague-ship.but thank God i have not waken up to the feeling of dragging my feet here.i think sooner or later someone else has to take this seat. becoz i am seeking to pursue greener pastures. the workload here isn't heavy all the time, but some time last minute jobs can actually make you very busy. so recently, life at work seems pretty relaxed because i have finished almost all of my work and deadlines have been met. and i get to slack around today because the 'CCTV' is not on duty today so i can afford blog so openly...

hope someone out there can bring forth a light or at least a dimmer of hope into the darkness i am experiencing now... i'm currently stuck in a situation whereby the colleagues that sit around me seems not quite willing to talk to me anymore. i had even apologised to the ones whom i think i might have done injustice accidently but they chose to ignore my apologies and continue giving me the cold shoulder. they have this expression on their face as though i owed them tens or millions of dollars.and this had reached the 'other clique' and in turn,i've got another group of colleagues not talking to me. this had sometimes lead to some inconvenience at work. sighh... and surprisingly, male colleagues don't give me such problems. arrgghh, just don't understand lor.does it always involve or start with women? is this due to the improper balance with hormones, with the approaching of the 'big aunt visit' every month or is it an inborne thing in women that they always find so hard not to start politics or gossip about people when they gather? so you see, if i don't change the mentality, their behaviour will soon drive me up the wall and i just wouldn't feel like coming to work.

but thank God again, i have managed to 'change' my perspective towards them. and this change was for the better of course. for myself. that i do not have to depend on how they behave towards me at work. that i can still survive without their 'colleague-ship' . who would want to be friends with people who just do nothing but gossip about other people all the time. all i can conclude is 'They Are So free for those silly stuff '....

anyway, when you speak less, you sin less...

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

relationship woes

Now that i have found a new 'hiding place' to vent out and since it had been quite a big load off my chest. he knows that i had a blog. becoz he reads them, sometimes i was afraid that he might get affected by what i write. he used to response to them sometimes but when it comes to matters he don't wish to elaborate or give details, he stops asking and he keeps quiet. and so i made the decision to keep this away from him as much and as long as i can...

and despite reading about the stuff that i write about him, he chooses not to communicate with me. the impounding question of 'am i really your girlfriend or just a companion in a 'domestic partnership'?

Relationships.relationships and relationships. does it drive you crazy?does it drive you up the wall sometimes?I came across this saying; 'The course of true love never runs smooth,' i bet many of you would have heard about that. In a boy-girl relationship, if you are a guy, do you make known to the girl that she's the one for you? or do you as a girl take it upon yourself to 'assume' that the guy that you like is your boyfriend? Do you have any tips or secrets to share when it comes to handling your emotions in your relationship with your special one?

Tuesday, June 14, 2005

skins on my blog

Colours. style. design. font type. cool, classic or contemporary?

What kinda of design or template do you look for when designing your blog?do you go for skins which you like or go for skins which are easier for your readers to read?Fanciful or just plain-jane looks?

i'm still in search of the template that would go along with my taste. my style. my kind of blog which i can identify with. Oh,its not that i detest the templates on blog.com but sorry to say that, the templates available here blogskins.com are wider in variety. Greedy being. and the options are better. maybe the regulars on blog.com might wanna consider 'hopping' onto this wagon too? The 'regular nawooz'??nawooz had somehow changed the layout of the blog too. noticed it. *hint hint*

and when you set up a blog,do you 'advertise' your blog to your friends? close friends? special friends? i did. and with the very first blog i started, i offended a good friend. think i might even lose this friendship... tried resolving but failed. and yes, with the guy mentioned in 'emotional management', the guy was reading it too. and i felt i couldnt maximise my thoughts to the fullest. so the idea of migration became the great escapade for me.

they wanna read and felt sad i didnt inform them that i was migrating. but well, if reading blogs would only confine to this 'internet arena' and never go out of bounds, maybe emotions would not get built up unnecessary.

Tuesday, June 07, 2005

Start with the letter J*

Once in a while,i can't help but found myself comparing with other beings. always wondering whatever things that other people own or had been given, why wasn't i be treated the same, or somewhat close to it? the worst and the last thing that i do not wish to think about is to be jealous about people.

Chemistry lessons: Comparisons mixes with envy leads to the eeevilll product of the two: JEALOUSLY!!!

Guess afterall, human beings are human beings... who doesn't get jealous right? When it gets overboard, you get extremely miserable if you can't get over it... Now, i'm in this pithole... Everyday at work, I had to face my colleagues who simply think I’m invisible, a few were even more ridiculous as they behaved that they liked being ‘manipulated’ by opinions given by the stereotyped ones.... Acting childishly but still wouldn't admit that they are. Come on, will you gals grow up and think like adults?

Politics. I wish I had the answers on how to cope with them...