failed mission

One of the afternoons, while i was waiting for my bus to 'mark my attendance', two of my supervisors came back from lunch and saw me standing there alone. they started asking me why i havent been wearing skirts for so long.i replied that i was no longer into skirts. wanted to shelve off that image of being stared or ogled by men.(should help men restraint their desires) both of them are the 'buayas' in the company, always disturbing women with their disturbing thoughts. and they replied that by covering up entirely, 'entices' them to stare even harder! can you actually imagine such theology? confirmed, chopped, guaranteed BUAYAS (real life term called CROCODILES!!!) so our talk suddenly headed into the religion arena. their theologies are nonsense anyway. dont wish to elaborate and corrupt your minds but basically, they are totally 'submerged' in their own selves, that religion to them are nothing but a waste of time! and i was called a fanatic by them. NOPE i'm not a ZEALOT!Christianity, buddhism, Islam, taoism DO NOT work for any of them. they choose to rely and believe only in themselves. yes, no doubt you need to believe in yourself BUT bear in mind that everything that they use do no belong to them. and they should be thankful that continuous supply of OXYGEN are given to them 24hours a day, without fail! (n.b:no personal attack on any religion. i'm into ecumenism) yes, every religion teaches good. it teaches you to keep away from bad vices (lying, backbiting, stealing etc). but on the other hand, human beings are given that extra present from God which animals don't have: HUMAN INTELLECT. Why? so that human beings are able to identify which are the things that are good for your body, and which are not. we have IQ to go look for jobs we want, to search for the people we want to love and to distinguish between the right and the wrong. so with that intellect, you need to go find the religion that has been completed and perfected for mankind. the religion that is required to keep your mind and soul purified. cleansed. from the thoughts that the two buayas have.

earlier part of that saturday morning, i wanted to impart some 'general knowledge' of the creation of this universe to my mum. but she was not happy about what i said and told me to give up. FAILED

and later part of the day, i met another two friends. they were interested about my sudden change of belief. i shared a little about our beginning. and the reason behind my change. SUBJECTIVE. (no major disagreement but can see from their expressions, they still have doubts.)

well, i did my best. i ain't no saint or preacher. i'm not going round to preach religion but just doing my part to impart the TRUTH which my wise advisor had also done for me. maybe only we know the difference.

life = a rollercoaster ride?

Do you think so?

Life has many ups and downs. similarly, the roller coaster ride gives you the highs and lows. and perhaps some rollercoaster gives you sharp bends at corners. and i liken that to moments in your life, when you suddenly experience major changes that you might not know how you would feel till you reach that bend. so when you anticipate the sharp bend during your ride, you prepare yourself. but in life, you know that, there are many things that are happening which are beyond your spectrum of anticipation.

sharp bends in life could bring many different meanings to different people. to sportsmen and women, the world would come crashing down on them if some freak accidents would make them handicapped. think that would def be a big blow to them. to the people living in luxurious lifestyles, having to face the cold hard fact that one day, they would need to live a frugal life would be a sharp bend in their lives. there are many many examples of how each and every single one person out there experiences the sharp bend in their lives. Do you have any sharp bend moments in your life, you wanna share?

i reckon that the decision to convert and become a Muslim would equate the definition of a sharp bend in my life. never would i expect or anticipate at any one point of my life that this decision would affect how i live for the rest of my life. a new me has evolved. priorities have changed. perspectives are different. whether good or bad, only the people surround me would notice the difference. but this aint no performanceand i aint putting up any acts. I choose this path becoz i was given the freedom to choose what i want to believe in.

i took part in a video shoot for the converts' association. for the ladies session, the topic was what reaction would you have if your partner tells you to embrace islam to prepare for marriage with him/her. initially i was only acting as an extra but later on i was 'called in' becoz the director felt that my speech was more articulate that the other lady. oops. i'm sorry. don't mean to snatch your role. becoz the role that i portrayed in demanded a stronger 'voice of anger', i became nervous. stressed. head aches. frankly, i think i can cry better than being angry. haha. so inorder to prepare for the angry side of me, i tried to think of the recent spate of things that happened. but instead it triggered the sadness. after several rehearsals, the director wanted me to express more anger by changing the script again. yeah, i think this was far easier. thank god. the director was an easygoing guy. he kept calling out my name, not becoz i forgot my lines but becoz he wanted more anger from me. some juice of the conversation goes like this:

Befriendee #1: actually i was quite surprised. we've been going out for sometime. we could get along very well. but this would mean that having to change who i am, drawing a different person altogether. as though the present me is not good enough.
Befriender: you sounded quite upset, and you still choose to come for the class?
Befriendee #1: well, its like not much of a choice to me now.besides the religion issue, we kinda of hit off quite well so i thought i might as well accomodate him.
Befriendee #2(that's me): WHY MUST YOU ACCOMODATE HIM? its like we are being forced to convert. is there a way out?
Befriender: u sounded like you were really being forced. but the choice is eventually up to you right?
Befriendee #2: i guess so. and as much as i love him, i think conversion is the only way out.
Just a short script though. when the 'reel take' was over, my headache also went away. phheww... but later on, the director wanted another take of a more relaxed and real session of the befriending class. so we get to talk about our real life opinions of that topic. and we shared about our fears, feelings and thoughts. i will think about it and blog it when it comes back.

its getting late, my 'friend' is calling me to bed... good nitez... sweet dreams to myself again. hehe (;

its a battle out there!!!

For the past two days, my colleague (who is sitting right infront of me) and my goodself had been battling out on MSN Messenger (silent mode). Why did i say silent mode is because, as you know we haven't been talking to each other like we used to and misunderstandings or some stereotyped opinions have been accumulating... it had been extremely 'heated up' especially after i sms her friend.

on tuesday morning, i overheard that they wanted to buy macdonald's breakfast but didnt know what to do when their order was way off the minimum amount to order so that they could avoid the $5 surcharge below $25. well, i would expect that they wouldn't want to chip me in at first because they were contemplating what to order so that they can avoid that. surprisingly, it wasn't my back and front neighbours but their friend who was sitting further away from us. she called me and asked if i was interested to buy any mac breakfast. so i said okay because i also hadn't any breakfast, and didnt want to deem as anti social.

before the order came, i asked another unnecessary question from her through sms. i told her if initially they wasnt very keen to chip me in, don't force. i just wanted to be sure because it's 'displayed' on their faces that they were just unhappy about something. so the friend shrugged it off by replying that they REALLY want me to chip in. okay, rest the case then i replied to her. haha... and guess what, later part of the day, when i logged into my MSN messenger. i saw this message as her displayed message :

'We are not forced to approach you, but out of good will. u'r thinking too much.'

and then i responded by putting this also:

'Perhaps. but just wanna be sure that i do not incur any wrath unnecessarily.' (i actually wanted to add somemore behind by saying, ' before someone throws documents in my tray.') i didnt actually quite enjoy such games, shall i deemed it as childish, because that would only sour the working relationship more. and that's not what i wanted. i want to be a good girl not a girl that picks up arguments with people. seriously. shouldn't colleagues be working hand in hand and be amicable towards one another? aiya, anyway this didnt just happen to my dept but someone else's too(still in the same company) .

so today, i didn't want to log in because i want to curb those desires of putting all those childish comments in there. after the second display message, i actually changed it to something more artificial. just to lay it off. rest and close the matter. so what if you have a beautiful face, beautiful friends but your heart just couldnt accomodate to forgive and forget?

before this, we exchanged not so friendly stuff as our displayed messages in MSN like she calling me 'spy' to me hinting, 'free style buffet style, let them choose'...

journey of thoughts

This is a path, which to many find it absurd to embark on. it took me alot of courage and effort to come this far. went through many struggles and tribulations just to embark on this path. but this journey embarkation has triggered many changes in my life. at times, these trials proved to be too overwhelming for me and i had broke down many times becoz of them.

to some, it might just be a case of changing a religion less desirable by many. but to me, it is a journey of finding my purpose of existence and the reason why God created me, the Universe, the heavens and the earth. but in moments like these, muslims at large seemed to be going through a crisis. a crisis which God has sent. but i guess, to see it from a different perspective, it could just sound like 'blessings in disguise'. a test sent by Him, to create awareness among the non-muslims in the light of 9/11 and the recent London bombings.
Pros: non muslims would get curious or interested in the religion.
Cons: media might inadvently create conflict or worse still, a stereotyped report of muslims all over the world.

This is unfair. Muslims are amicable. Muslims are peaceful people and we do not go to war unless people are under extreme conditions to fight for their honour,for food, or for peace. and if the people do really go into a battle, they are instructed not to kill women and the children. there were never any commands to kill people recklessly! it is not so difficult to believe that there is GOD. I had doubts about what i used to believe in and that's why when i had this conversation with my mentor (was a good friend actually but later became a mentor to me, but now maybe we might just not be friends anymore) anyway, he took the trouble to explain about the creations in the universe(ant being the tiniest), the planets, the sun, moon etc etc... it was these significant and yet so reliable objects on planet earth that got me hooked on finding the truth. that was how i got started. food for thought for you....

the country that i've dreamed to venture in has been hit by another round of bombings. i hope the city that i'm actually heading to will be safe and sound from such attacks... looking forward to a place to live big dreams and rest my painful heart and soul...

wrong bus

This morning, as usual i left the house for work. waited for the same bus at the same time at the same bus stop. from a distance i saw a bus approaching the bus stop, but the number was blocked by another bus. I saw it ended with a 5 and i presumably thought that it was 25, and i boarded the bus. i didnt even take a second glance before i board. quickly found my way to a seat but i didnt quite like that position because it was facing the rest of the passengers in the bus. i was very sleepy so i closed my eyes and rest for a while. and when i opened, i saw another seat available and i quickly shifted.

finally got a good seat. time for siesta. i think i opened my eyes for a couple of times to check if i had arrived at my destination. because many times i always miss my stop. and sometimes i could only get up when the bus driver is parking his bus at the interchange. so when the final time when i opened my eyes, i was in a vicinity that i never came across. scenery which looked so different. i looked around trying to figure out which area is this. phew. i was still in amk. so i asked the lady sitting next to me if what bus number is this. and you know what she replied me: "I don't know." wah kaoz... funny answer. board a bus that doesnt know the bus number. do you have such experience?

i was only left with half an hour to get to my workplace. so i quickly got up and tried to squeeze my way out of the super crammed bus. when i alighted, i think i was still in a daze. but i still had the cheek to laugh at myself. for taking the wrong bus. as far as i could remember, the times when i took the wrong bus are the times, when i was really really tired and sleepy and since i didnt had my glassess on, i misinterpreted the bus numbers totally. and this occurence happens once in a blue moon. for about 3 times already.

luckky thing i was quite near to my workplace already. otherwise i think i can forget about coming to work. because clocking in after 8am or even 8.30am with your right index will land myself in the manager's room for questioning. haha... when i transferred to another two buses to get to work, i quickly took out my glasses so as to ensure that i reach my destination CORRECTLY.

bad attitude

I see people voicing their unhappiness about their bosses' in their blogs. so far, i dont have this problem. but i wish to blog about my working colleagues. especially the one that sits behind me. i dun usually give people names but for her, i really got no choice. she forced me to give her one. not literally forced but rather through the way she's treating me. I call her the 'CCTV'(closed circuit television). yes, she is one damn bad tv.like a corrupted brand you know.oh yes, and there's another one sitting infront of me. they are actually a clique, with one other colleague, which is the much better one.

we were on good talking terms before. not until when she claimed that she was doing more topics than the rest of the committee. this project normally runs like 3 times peryear and its for an internal circulation. and so the issue of her being overloaded with articles to work on had caused everything to turn sour. instead of voicing out, she displayed her unhappiness on her face. she had also decided to shun me and the editor. she didnt tell me at first but i got to know this through her friend(the better one). so of course i felt bad about it and i apologised to her that she was feeling that way. through an email la, cos i know confrontation dun quite work on them. but she ignored my email and continued to show her displeased look everyday. for 5 days in a week. 9hours everyday. for a week, its a total of 1080hours. wah kaoz... can you imagine my life here in my cubicle surrounded by people who dont smile and carry their sly look at me. miserable. she would show this 'look' to the people she doesnt like. i think probably only the editor and myself had got this venomous look from her.

if only i could snap a few pixs and post it up here to let you take a look at how she throw documents in my tray. its just very very rude of her. not once or twice but everytime. Can you tolerate such behaviour from your colleague? nope i can't. but i wont kick up a big fuss because i'm not that kind of person to go round telling tales. it's really terrible.INCORRIGIBLE BEHAVIOUR OF A WORKING ADULT. SHAME ON YOU.

maybe someone needs to teach her the proper way of putting documents in another person's tray. she needs some ettiquette brushing up. no joke. if she needs my help i would always be readily available. she would need to go through from orientation level again:
1. ensure that paper (A4 for eg) are properly aligned according to the tray.
2. all 4 corners of the document should fit into the tray.
3. do not 'throw' sideways, upside down or simply resembling as though you are trashing rubbish.
i really couldnt understand why she could perform these acts. have i really did something so bad that incur her wrath to behave like that? and no matter how she threw my papers, never at any time i had the intention to do it to her.... must remove her from the system.... haha

and the other one talked to me as though i owed her thousands of money. she never even want to look at me when i talked to her. no basic courtesy. she talked like young hooligan but sound sweet only to people she like.but at least she treats paper with respect.

Ah, what is all this behaviour man? does this only relates to women (unfortunately)? being branded by men to be 'gossipers, petty' and 'bitchy. right? but sorry to say i'm not. only just a little sensitive and overly concerned when relationships go wrong. ha.and last two months, i purposely 'restructure' the position of my pc so that the monitor will not be in a 'bird's eye view' of the 'CCTV'. better get out of here fast before i would cloud myself of thoughts that would put myself in a sinful state of mind. eh yar, can't imagine myself being a person of devilic nature... yucks!!!

dont come near me

From Monday to Thursday, i would frequent this neighbourhood mosque near my office. sometimes i rush like a mad woman especially when the bus is late and the timings of prayers got later and later recently.

occassionally, i would be able to join in the congregation prayers. otherwise i would need to join in only when the imam has already finished 2units of the prayers. initially, i didnt had the confidence to join in the congregational prayers because i would always be afraid that i would miss out this, or miss out that or even afraid of doing something which isnt correct. i remembered once i actually didnt even finished my Al-Fatihah and the imam already going to do his bowing 'subhana rabbiyal azimi wabiHamdi' . sharks. i screwed up my prayers. after some time, i finally got it clarified with my mentor. he came up with a table for me and tried to explain how it works. so ever since, i had no problems doing my congregation prayers. then later on, i had another kind of problem. i wasn't sure if i was following correctly if i were to join in half-way. okay got it clarified as well. Finally i can do my congregation prayers in full confidence. Alhamdullilah.

when i do my noon prayers, this regular group of women would also be praying there. there is this lady who recites her prayers loudly at certain point. and many times , i would always get disturbed by her. i tried so hard to concentrate on my own recitation but her 'loud and soft' recitations been affecting me. there were a few occassions i was reading halfway and then she got louder, next moment i was lost. and i had to start all over again. so just now, she sat next to me again. oh my god. not again... i tried to close my eyes and read my recitations but unfortunately i suffered the same fate again but this time was worst. i was almost finishing when she turned up the volume.

i think i better run far far away from her. perhaps if i see her the next time i would go to the other side of the row. haha...

Desperate Housewives

I am an avid fan of this drama. aired every mondays, 10pm. never failed to return home early to watch it. i remembered there was one time i was rushing home to watch, only to realise that 'supply unable to meet demand'. in our household, there were 3tv sets. but only ONE is working. and that night, everyone was pressing 3 different channels' buttons frantically. amazing right? so i went to the living room hoping to watch it despite the distored images. my mum was furious. she said: "everyone is having fun snatching each other's channel 'in harmony' and you strangely choose to behave as a loner, sitting here to watch a tv set which isn't working." Sigh... watch tv programme also kena. anyway, just wanna share how crazy i was for the show in the beginning.

but ever since i took up this language course, and unfortunately for me, it falls on monday because i couldnt schedule it on other days as i have other classess to attend on tuesdays, thursdays and fridays. and so my 'desperate night' would have to be sacrificed. alright, better stop grumbling.

so last night, it was said to be the finale. but a not so great ending. there was an abrupt end. felt that it wasnt complete. hope there would be a season 2. nonetheless, these housewives, i wouldn't consider them desperate by nature. but literally, developed this 'characteristic' due to their husbands infidelities. (but not all 5) i think desperation is not something inborne but something created due to external factors. depends how u look at it actually. the saying goes, ' it takes two to clap'. Bree loved her family, loved her husband and loved to create this perfect setting and style for everyone in the family. she would use housework to cover her sadness, and pretend as nothing has ever happened. her husband had a weird taste for sex and bree later realised that her husband went elsewhere to satisfy this 'unique thirst'. she was devasted and upset and vowed to do the same to her husband. but time and time again, she proved otherwise. forgiving what the husband had did and continued to love him. but it was only when the husband had a heart attack, her husband rex knew that it wasn't quite true afterall. he was alright before the operation but when the doctor announced some shocking news about his diet which could lead to the situation he is in right now, he left a note: Bree, i understand. and i forgive. and with that he passed away. The hospital rang her and told her the bad news. she sounded calm as usual. and even continued to polish her cutlery after the call. but when she was done with it, she just broke down and cried.

yeah, its hard to control your tears and emotions when you have lost someone you loved. it could never be easy to cope no matter how strong you can be. and the other housewife. the sexy gabrielle. she realised that her husband no longer pay attention to her and eventually seek excitement through an extra marital affair. but this will eventually cost her marriage.

the morale of the story is no matter how you choose to love or hate the partner, you will need to know the consequences of whatever actions you decide to take. for you know that, we are all DIFFERENT. God made us different from one another and so that's why opposites attract. positive with negative.

a simple religion

Felt that there was a need to clarify.

The first thing that one should know and clearly understand about Islam is what the word "Islam" itself means. The religion of Islam is not named after a person as in the case of Christianity which was named after Jesus Christ, Buddhism after Gotama Buddha, Confucianism after Confucius, and Marxism after Karl Marx. Nor was it named after a tribe like Judaism after the tribe of Judah and Hinduism after the Hindus. Islam is the true religion of "Allah" and as such, its name represents the central principle of Allah's "God's" religion; the total submission to the will of Allah "God". The arabic word "Islam" means the submission or surrender of one's will to the only true god worthy of worship "Allah" and anyone who does so is termed a Musim. The word also implies "peace" which is the natural consequence of total submission to the will of Allah.

Hence, it was not a new religion brought by Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) in Arabia in the 7th century, but only the true religion of Allah re-expressed in its final form. Islam is the religion which was given to Adam, the first man and the first prophet of Allah, and it was the religion of all the prophets sent by Allah to mankind. the name of God's religion Islam was not decided upon by later generations of man. it was chosen by Allah himself and clearly mentioned in His final revelation to man.

In the final book of divine revelation, the Quran, Allah states the following: "This day have i perfected your religion for you, completed my favour upon you, and have chosen for you Islam as your religion." (Surah Al-Maaidah 5:3) "Abraham was not a Jew nor Christian; but an upright Muslim." (Surah Aal-imraan 3:67)

Nowhere in the Bible will you find Allah saying to Prophet Moses' people or their descendants that their religion is Judaism, nor to the followers of Christ that their religion is Christianity. in fact, Christ was not even his name, nor was it Jesus! the name 'Christ' comes from the greek word christos which means the annointed. that is, christ is a greek translation of the hebrew title "messiah". the name Jesus on the other hand is a latinized version of the hebrew name Esau. as for his religion, it was what he called his followers to. Like the prophets before him, he called the people to surrender their will to the will of Allah; (which is Islam) and he warned them to stay away from the false gods of human imagination. According to the New Testament, he taught his followers to pray as follows: "yours will be done on earth as it is in Heaven."

A place to relieve yourself

Nope this isn't anything about holiday destinations or places where you can destress yourself. the so-called place to relieve yourself is actually otherwise commonly known as the TOILET, or to put it nicely is the RESTROOM. while some might call it a place of 'business transaction'. sounds pretty logical. think about it as i'm gonna skip the details.

Anyway, you may wonder why of all things blog about the filthiest place on earth. but of course, there are thousand and one things for me to blog but this issue of 'flushing' had really got on my nerves. i have wanted to blog it down since the problem came up. well, i work in a company situated not in the business district area where there's big offices or skyscrapers but rather in a suburban area. and this company is also located amongst low rise industrial parks, workshops and old housing estates. oh yes, next door's occupants are companies offering casket and funeral services. (sometimes you hear crying and familiar songs that 'aid your passing away') this is a company that deals with customers coming in for accident reporting. one of my colleague actually said; "not bad la. your area offer one stop services. from accident reporting to workshops and then to casket companies. customers no need to run to so many places. all within reach." alamak, what a thing to say. anyway, my point is the building has probably occupied this plot of land for more than 2o over years. so relatively, the building looks worn out and boring pinkish. and with your common cents, the facilities in the building would of course not function too well already la. and i pity the people working in the maintenance department because they are paid to DO almost EVERYTHING (practically) on their own, unless budget is approved to outsource the job to someone more pro. its not an easy job and i have always look up on them.

and when it comes to visits to the toilets, i've always preferred the squatting to the sitting position bowl because that makes your 'transaction' more speedier and smoother. so unfortunately, there was only one cubicle offering this 'service'. and die la, one day, that particular squat bowl flusing facility decided to break down. yes, not the others but the one i preferred. and mine you, before i made that preference, i've used all 3 cubicles before. their flushing system already giving way. sucks big time man. and so since the day it broke down, which might be probably be almost 2 months already, but no one has come to get it fixed. and the other two flushing system don't looked stabilized. and so what we are left with are two cubicles serving 16 ladies in that same level. and imagine the 'peak hour' rush at about 5.20pm, when everyone rushes to the toilet before they pack up to go home. i would try and avoid the 'peak period' as much as possible, not wanting to meet with the people i dont like. i really dont know when can they fix up the toilet. probably not so soon, or probably they would never get it fixed.

there was this time when i was inside, and the lady next to me actually flushed for more than 3times. what if the toilet system EXPLODES??

hey comm'on, leave some water for me leh. i'm in the midst of an important transaction. i need water!!!!!!!!!

Tragic!!!

London bombings on7.7.2005.

No one would expect this to happen after being voted by the IOC that London would be organising the Olympics in 2012. why did this had to happen? they were still rejoicing over the news and 'bang'. several explosions ripped off trains in the underground network and buses on the streets. same like how the 9/11 happened. terrorists took the opportunity of tearing them apart during the morning rush hour. news spread everywhere that these were terrorists attacks. and fingers were pointing towards the Al-Qaeda militants group. Tony Blair condemned. Mayor Ken Livingstone condemned the terrorists too.

if you have a sound mind, you would not relate the religion Islam to this terrorist group who named themselves as Al-Qaeda. no one knows why did they act in the name of calling themselves as muslims, and then carry out these sadist acts, and staining this beautiful religion called Islam. no one knows except Him. i didnt enter this religion long enough to debate the issues of terrorism carried out by this Al-Qaeda group but nevertheless, i have tried my best to clarify when my friend asked me this question: ' If this religion is so good then the rest of the others, then why would these muslim terrorists start war like this?' I just told him that ; "though i may not know the religion very long but as far as i've learned, Islam never taught us to behave like that. whatever they did, its never in the name of Allah." ever since 9/11 came about, it was recorded that there were people who were curious about this religion in the United States and have seen a high number of people converting to Islam. i have heard stories about them. maybe i can put them up here and share it with you guys. and ever since 9/11 started, all eyes turned to Islam. media did not do a good job because they only portrayed and broadcast the bad stuff but kept the beautiful facts. here are some extracts of what was written and splashed all over the papars:
Asia's press Friday condemned the London bombings, with many newspapers contrasting the bloody destruction of the attacks with the unifying spirit of the Olympics and the G8 summit. In Taiwan, a China Times columnist suggested that Britain carried part of the blame by going to war against Iraq. "The United States, Britain and some other countries waged an unjustified war against Iraq, and it did not award them greater security," the column said. "Anti-US sentiment in the Muslim world has risen ... This has put the US and its allies in greater danger," it said. LONDON - Prime Minister Tony Blair pledged to work with Muslims in Britain to promote the "moderate and true voice" of Islam, as the spiritual leader of the Church of England warned Monday against finding "scapegoats" for the London bombings. "We were proud of your contribution to Britain before last Thursday. We remain proud of it today," said Blair in a statement to parliament, four days after the worst attacks on British soil since World War II. He said it "seems probable" that the bombs were planted by "Islamist extremist terrorists" like those who were behind the September 11 attacks in the United States in 2001 and those in Madrid in March 2004. "Fanaticism is not a state of religion, but a state of mind and we will work with you to make the moderate and true voice of Islam heard as it should be," he said. "Together we will ensure that, though terrorists can kill, they will never destroy the way of life we share and we value and which we would defend with such strength of belief and conviction." Rowan Williams, the Archbishop of Canterbury, told the General Synod of the Anglican Church in the northern English city of York that Muslims must not be made "scapegoats" for the terror blasts. The plea came as Iqbal Sacranie, secretary general of the Muslim Council of Britain, the faith's most respected lobby group, warned "unscrupulous elements" could use the London bombings to attack Muslims and their institutions. Williams said that visits he made to Islamic institutions on Monday were an opportunity to stress the good state of relations between Christians and Muslims across Britain. "Routine friendship and cooperation remains the best hope we have in any conflict of finding ways forward," he said. Police said four mosques in different parts of England had been targets of attempted arsons in the wake of Thursday's bombings in the capital which killed at least 52 people and injured around 700. Police also reported cases of verbal abuse against Muslims in the street, as well as criminal damage to cars, businesses and homes. Sacranie urge mosques and other Muslim organisations to report any such attacks or abuses to the police. "We know that there may be some unscrupulous elements in our society who may look upon Thursday’s carnage as a morbid opportunity to attack and undermine British Muslims, their institutions and mosques," he said. "We must not allow anyone to succeed in fomenting strife and disorder.... Those who planned and carried out these heartless attacks -- whoever they are and whatever faith they may claim to profess -- are surely the enemies of us all, Muslims and non-Muslims."

the need to convey the islamic concept of Tawhid to the world at large in clear unequivocal terms has been and shall remain the Muslim's first duty. now that there is renewed worldwide attention towards Islam, it has become even more urgent to convey its core concept, without which there is no religion: the Oneness of God. Let us, Muslims all pray that every single passenger hurt in the explosions would recover soon, pray that London would not suffer any more similar tragedies. Let us hope that they would be able to unite together as a country and find the culprits of crime and give them the appropriate punishment for such sadist acts.

Pillar of support

I can't sleep. questions. tears. heartaches. Where is my pillar of support, i ask myself. converts need support and encouragement. alot of it.... nobody came to my resue just when i needed it most...

People talk about how good and impressive i have become as a convert through blueskies.blog, but they noticed that i had my share of bad times too? havent they remembered that im a human too, with heart and soul, with feelings and emotions... though out of foolishness and stupidity, i might have acted too smart for myself to declare statements without realising the consequences, thus hurting and damaging friendships... My conversion to Islam,to some might think that i have disappointed and hurt my parents' heart...

i remember i used to go to my mum when i had problems at work or with relationships... i wish i could hug and cry my heart out in her arms. but i cant. because if i do, this would prove her point that islam is not good for me and it doesnt help me solve my problems. i do not want to show any signs of weakness to her. she will try and convince me back to buddhism. the second closest is my best friend but i cant go to her because of some misunderstandings. and my last option cant be utilized because he cant hug me. these 3person closest to my heart seemed like so distant to me now...

but anyway, just when i feel that i'm all alone and hopeless, Allah opens up this verse to me in Surah An-nisa, verse 45: "Allah has full knowledge of your enemies. Sufficient is He as your Protector, and sufficient is He to comfort you."

But with this verse, where and how do i go about getting comfort?

not recovered yet

i wanted to cure my stress with shopping and so i met my friend for shopping after work. oh yes, he turned up at my office but he didnt make himself 'loud' enough to be heard or seen. anyway, thanks for coming all the way to my office for me. he's a cheerful guy with lots of nonsense. and sometimes quite noisy too. well i hoped that his character would help me forget my worries and problems for this period of time i'm gonna spend with him...

we went straight to G2000 boutique. as he browsed around, my eyes were roving around at the guys section too. nope, i wasnt oogling at guys but at their shirts. and guess what, my mind just switch to 'thinking of buying him stuff' mode again. after helping my friend with the choice of shirts to buy, i called him to ask if he needed any pants. he said he needed to try them on before buying. after that we walked to another shopping mall. after we went to zara, timberland and mango he decided to take lunch. i was waiting for the right time to tell him... shortly after the food came, i let out the cat from the bag. i took out my conversion card and showed it to him. first few words from his mouth: Xiao ah you. really xiao. You okay or not, do this kind of thing?

i would have been able to control my sadness if he hadnt said that. i turned away and the tears just welled up in my eyes. he quickly changed topic but i didnt stop crying. i told myself i need to stop because i wanted to talk and let it out of my chest. he asked me why am i still so emo since it wasnt a recent thingy. so i told him roughly about the spate of incidents that came shortly after i converted. he asked me if since i had already made the decision, i should have anticipated such response from people. people should train you to be able to control or be in charge of your emos when it comes to handling all different kinds of response from people. of course, i anticipated. but they are just anticipations, arent they? but in reality, they wouldnt happen just like how you anticipated it but rather His will if it should happen like how you have expected it to be.

He related his 'misconceptions' about islam. about islam connecting with 9/11. terrorism. war. if Islam was really that good, then how come i dont see people around me convert from buddhism or taoism to islam but to christianity. i told him about the comfort and truth that islam has brought about to me and i also explained to him simple facts, wanting to clear the air about the 'misunderstood religion' but of course i know this cant be an overnight thing. but anyway, he respected my decision and said that religion are afterall just beliefs. if you think this is good for you, then nobody cant change your mind about it. he asked me if i had any cellgroup or buddy to tag along, so that understanding of the religion is guided correctly just like how his Christianity cellgroup did with 'newcomers' into the religion. buddies? mentor? cellgroup? nope i dont belong to any cellgroup. i used to have a mentor to guide me but i think i'm losing sight and grip from him soon...

emos still not quite stabilised yet. shopping didnt helped as i didnt really went into the shopping mode. was feeling worse, how could i simply anyhow spend my hard earned money right? aarrgghh... should have gone to the beach... haha... i dont know how much time i need. i dont know who can get me out of this. but i know the person that i've always wanted to depend on getting support didnt offer to console or comfort me... well, never mind. sometimes in life, you would just have to learn your lessons the painful way, just like 'falling' out of love. its painful.

it does help a little

This morning i woke up to a feeling of not wanting to come to work. sigh... feeling stagnant at work. bored. learning nothing new for the past 6 - 8 months. dead end. sharks.

oh yes, i used to enjoy my work here. colleagues are friendly, cooperative and cheerful. but recently, as previously blogged i didnt understand the nature of that 'coldness' emanting from them. they seemed to be misunderstood about something i guess. my friendship with that male colleague had also taken a DIP for the worst. probably he's affected by it the gossips too but didnt want to communicate that feeling to me though how good friends i am to him as claimed to be . well, lets just hope one day he will open up. though i can't claim myself to be a very good friend but i've always been a good listener. i would always offer to listen to all his problems or frustrations without any slightest complaint that he never listens to mine.all my friends know that. they always come to me when they wanna talk but when i wanna talk, everybody so busy. get the point? maybe i wasnt that popular afterall i guess... and guess what, my other nice colleague asked me why didnt i try and ask him about it. i told her i tried so many times but he just refuses. then she said; ' wouldnt you feel insecure about him not communicating with you?' yeah babe. You got it right on target. the keyword here is INSECURITY. that's the vocab women fear most. Men hear this. make notes. put it in your diary. do not create that vocab in your love life if you wish eternal peace and harmony in your relationship.

and so as usual, i start off my day at work by clicking on one of my regular link : channelnewasia.com .need to know what's happening around the globe. as i scrolled through the categories, some header about blogging caught my attention. the headline went like this: don't blog if you fear backlash
the article was about two bloggers. they disliked their supervisors and they blogged about how much hate they have for them. and our dear mr miyagi actually advised that we do not blog them down if we fear that our posts would be read. or probably lock up your posts with passwords. or hell with it and blog it anyway. well, i think the last one would be the common 'attitude' among bloggers worldwide. as chances of your blog getting read by the people you hate might be only 0.009%, even though you might have given them a new lease of life by giving them nicks. well dont forget, you are the Editor what. just delete it and deny all the way la.

and so i went through the blogs he recommended. funny and humourous. of course, mr miyagi is so popular and famous, for sure the blogs that he introduced are good stuff man... when i go through these blogs, it kinda lightened my mood for the day... and then i reflected back on my blog and realised that i could have injected humour too, afterall people say i got a good sense of humour. then probably, my perspective towards life would not always be so 'dark' and lonesome.

new blog skin

I change my blog skin again. haha. i prefer my old blog skin as it's so much sweeter,and the design is better. but a pity the previous one didnt allow me to use a tagboard or something. the more changes i make, there seemed to be a permanent error on the page everytime i call out my blog page. so i decided to make a change.

recently, nothing is going smooth at work. bad happenings. the worst thing that i could imagine and hate most is to be the topic for gossip discussion. and this had been dampening my mood, affecting my temperaments. slowing down my brain activity. sigh... got caught in some rumours with a male colleague. speculations had it that i was going out with him. that i was going to get married to him. there were gossips, and disappointment to some that we were an item... another close colleague of mine told me that she felt her brain cells were degenerating after she worked here due to the culture and nature of her working environment. no excitement, no new things to learn, and people had not been treating her nicely. where have all the nice people gone to?

with the recent spate of incidents that happened, we told each other that we would be there for each other and that we will look out from the back for each other. she had also shared with me that her neighbours were 'moonlighting' openly at their workplace...sigh... dont they care about their ricebowl?why let other people know that you have been doing personal stuff at work and risk your career?would u be wise and smart enough to do it discreetly? aarrgghhh.... dread coming to work already, wished i had taken mc for today and for the rest of the week. haha. bad sign.

so i decided to take half day from work tomorrow and go cure my problems with shopping. how nice if shopping(or any of your desires) could actually be cures and solutions for any problems you face in life. and hopefully, my newly called upon boyfriend could dilute and get me out of this 'gossip hole'. i told him to come here and pick me. told him to drive into my office compound and then whack his stereo as loud as he can. he asked me if he should fetch his lamborghini here... no need for that, but probably a Peugeot 307CC would be perfect. hehe... that has been a vehicle i had been longing and desiring to own.... hmmm...

i've painted a picture of how it would be for tomorrow. all up to God if He wills it to happen...

belated birthday presents

I received his presents 6 days later after my birthday. a little late due to his busy working schedule.

When Linus* passed me the paperbag he took from his boot, i quickly glanced throught the bag. i was looking out for my birthday card. i loved giving & receiving cards. to me, words can make a whole lot of difference to me. words are as important as actions. i'm a words and action person, not a 'NATO' person. so i've always been able to express myself freely when i send sms, write emails, cards, notes etc... to people.

nothing else matters but the birthday card. when we parted, the very 1st thing i was anxious about was the card only. i took it out. it was a purple envelope. quite a big one. but actually i dont like big cards because normally the words written by the 'editor' would be minimal as the card would have expressed most of the words intended. and that's what i dont like.

there were 3 pictures with a few wordings of 'For Your Birthday' , the joy of celebration, the happiness of sharing, the promise of a perfect day, and it opens up to 'That's what you're wished for on your birthday and always!' He closed up the chapter with 3 lines and signed off as "happy birthday" followed by his signature and my birthday date, 25/6/05.

i put back the card in the envelope and then i took it out again, repeated the process for 5 times on the night itself. going bonkers already man. i thought by doing this repeatedly could 'magically' add some more beautiful words into my birthday card. a sign of disappointment and discontentment. i'm not being ungrateful. of course i'm grateful. at least there's a card from him this year. last year i got none. nil. zero. nothing. i kept stressing it this year one week before my birthday. imagine my desperation. it has come to a stage where there's no more redemption for me. dead end. any revival skills or secrets to share with me?

vain or what?

Looked myself into the mirror this morning after what my bro has just said to me last night. freckles. he said they were becoming more and more obvious. yeah... my freckles had been growing due to the extreme sun exposure at the beach last weekend. i was busy having fun that i forgot to apply sunblock on my face.

used to love sun tanning on the beach. but i stopped after hearing and knowing the damages caused on the skin and the prohibitions that followed along. but i really missed whacking the beach every weekend. even applied for the islander card so that i could save lots on the admission charges. i just loved the feeling of slacking on the beach, enjoying the nature and the earth wonders...

the sun & me. me & the sun. we are the inseparables.

but well for the sake of beauty, just have to forgo that kind of enjoyment. oh yea, and i liked swimming too. after a few laps i would just lay down by the pool and get a little tan. as usal. (; but because i was tied down by work and studies, swimming trips has also decreased. basically, i'm a very outdoor person. like to follow the sun wherever it goes.

my teacher once asked; 'Ever wonder why the sun is always at its zenith (above our heads at noon?)

know the answer?

Cure

I'm trying to find a cure for lovesick. i miss that very same person that made me fall in love the first time i got attracted to him. but somehow, he isn't just as sweet and nice like he used to be. we used to share very good times together before i began to make some changes in my beliefs. i hope that his change of attitude towards me has got anything to do with that.

is change necessary?as a matter of fact, according to a friend, change is inevitably unavoidable. i know that. what is it that made him change, i ask myself. or have i dis-illusioned myself to a point of no return? nope. i'm trying to get my feet back on track but its always harder than what you think. you might be laughing at me as how silly i conduct myself when i fall in love with someone i was attracted to, but nevertheless i enjoy the feeling of loving that special one in my life. enjoys looking at him when he's talking, when he dresses up for occassions, and when he watches his favourite soccer matches... mesmerized by that 'powerful-look-that-could-blow-everyone-way' look. he maybe someone i dreamed of being with in my life, but i think i'm far from what he wants in his life...

Would the cure for lovesick be food or shopping?hmmm....