Harlow everyone.. I'm back... but since i've been gone for so long i'm not sure if anyone would ever realise that i came back to update.
Well, Ramadan, had unfortunately left me for a month already. and i had also gone through a month of eating and eating while visiting friends.of course, celebrating Eid isn't just about eating. Importantly,its about renewing ties with your loved ones,seeking forgiveness and then extracting the essence of Ramadan so that i can be a better person for the rest of the years to come. insha allah.
The month of shawal has also just left. i thought back and realised that time is slippping awayy from me. felt that i've been doing enough as a muslim. felt that i haven't done enough to spread this religion of love and peace.i didn't spend more time with my parents and i did not spend enough time doing acts of ibadah towards God.
I have slackened. BIG TIME
and my computer has slackened too. that's why i'm now in a internet shop, updating my blog from a PC that moves slower than my fingers on the keyboard. i wish i had more time to write and post many interesting things which i encounter, sad things which i experienced and useful knowledge which i gained. but my PC chose to sabo me every now and then. and i do not have enough $$$ to upgrade any of my tech stuff at home because i'm still looking for a job. any headhunters reading this?
well, that's all for now folks. when i have the time, i will read all your blog posts and keep myself updated about you people.
it's time for my asar. gotta pay and log out. meanwhile, take care.
May God bless you always...
With LOve...
Friday, November 24, 2006
Monday, August 07, 2006
'chop chop' update
Its been ONE MONTH since i blogged. and many things have happened during this one month holiday.
First and foremost, i would like to apologize to Spongebib for replying her post so late. and i still haven't sms her yet.
And Fatihah too, for not responding swiftly. Thanks for your sweet little 'dress'.
Well,as usual time was spend on occupying myself with diving into the oceans of knowledge. insya allah(god wills) i would like to become an educator in islamic religious studies. to impart whatever that i have learnt to the non muslims. and to invite them to the truth by beautiful preaching...but just not sure if i'm up to the job or not. haha...
i'm looking forward to the month of ramadan. the month of blessings and favours that Allah swt has bestowed upon all Muslims.
that's about it for now. will write more when i have the time. keep on writing folks out there. u know who u are... (:
Monday, July 03, 2006
Interesting finds at the Library
I do have to admit that the libraries in S'pore have alot of things to be applauded for. but of course, there are also things which needs to be improved though.
The National Library had opened its doors for quite a while, and it was only recently that i finally found the time to drop by and say 'hi'.. looks impressive on the outside though. far fetched from how it used to look like at its previous location off City Hall area. Of course, times have changed, buildings have to look as sophiscated as how the world changed and developed...
back to the topic.. i heard there was a level that contained all reference books and it can't be loaned out. so obviously i went for the general section. and i head straight to the religion section, Islam(for obvious reasons). the books were perhaps, 'coincidentally located' at the lowermost bookshelfs.
the FIRST thing that i wanna APPLAUD is that this is not the first time i find good treasures(interesting books that were of great value for a muslim) in the library. These books really proved as good reads u can find in the library. i borrowed a book that was written by a Swiss convert named 'Gai Eaton' and the title of the book called " Islam and the Destiny of Man". You can find some meaningful exercpts at my other blog.(click onShafiqa corner)
the one and only FIRST AND LAST thing (i hope) that i wanna feedback is... sadly, the 'location of the books' were unfortunately found always at the lowermost bookshelfs and it only occupies either one or two rows of bookshelfs. Not just one library but MOSt of the libraries 'coincidentally arranged' in this way.
Like what my teacher always preached, to give the benefit of the doubt that the arrangement of the books are for their specific way of categorization.furthermore, i could actually find my 'bum' a place to sit since it's already at the lowermost shelf. besides that, i really wished that they could pump in more books so that more knowledge about Islam can be spread. not by sword but by KNOWLEDGE.
The National Library had opened its doors for quite a while, and it was only recently that i finally found the time to drop by and say 'hi'.. looks impressive on the outside though. far fetched from how it used to look like at its previous location off City Hall area. Of course, times have changed, buildings have to look as sophiscated as how the world changed and developed...
back to the topic.. i heard there was a level that contained all reference books and it can't be loaned out. so obviously i went for the general section. and i head straight to the religion section, Islam(for obvious reasons). the books were perhaps, 'coincidentally located' at the lowermost bookshelfs.
the FIRST thing that i wanna APPLAUD is that this is not the first time i find good treasures(interesting books that were of great value for a muslim) in the library. These books really proved as good reads u can find in the library. i borrowed a book that was written by a Swiss convert named 'Gai Eaton' and the title of the book called " Islam and the Destiny of Man". You can find some meaningful exercpts at my other blog.(click on
the one and only FIRST AND LAST thing (i hope) that i wanna feedback is... sadly, the 'location of the books' were unfortunately found always at the lowermost bookshelfs and it only occupies either one or two rows of bookshelfs. Not just one library but MOSt of the libraries 'coincidentally arranged' in this way.
Like what my teacher always preached, to give the benefit of the doubt that the arrangement of the books are for their specific way of categorization.furthermore, i could actually find my 'bum' a place to sit since it's already at the lowermost shelf. besides that, i really wished that they could pump in more books so that more knowledge about Islam can be spread. not by sword but by KNOWLEDGE.
Monday, June 26, 2006
Islam is for everyone
Becoming a muslim makes you come into terms with what other people have perceived negatively,especially of Islam and the race that was indirectly involved.(but if they really take the time to study about history civilisation, they wouldn't think like that). i was just like one of them too therefore i don't blame anyone but rather i choose, if i can, or have the time, to explain to them about what they have perceived is so loop-sided negatively.
Oh well, i do understand that in this region, many muslims are malays. they wear tudung in a traditional way and they can speak malay. but i wish to emphasise that this perception is not positive to islam because that will mean that if no one stands out to clarify, people will still continue to perceive that ALL muslims are malays,and all that negativity points out that Islam is,afterall, not a Universal religion.But it is, because there are so many chinese, indian, germans,british muslims all over the whole wide world...
i know it takes lots of effort to spread the goodness of islam and it just can't be done with barely just a pair of hands. it takes the entire ummah to spread the universal message that Islam carries and it ain't an easy task.
but first of all, i just hope that people give me a chance to explain that i'm a chinese muslim convert that wears the traditional tudung but that doesn't mean that i can speak malay. and when i can speak mandarin, that doesn't mean that i am a malay that studies chinese as a 2nd language. this is something that i've been wanting to tell them...
Oh well, i do understand that in this region, many muslims are malays. they wear tudung in a traditional way and they can speak malay. but i wish to emphasise that this perception is not positive to islam because that will mean that if no one stands out to clarify, people will still continue to perceive that ALL muslims are malays,and all that negativity points out that Islam is,afterall, not a Universal religion.But it is, because there are so many chinese, indian, germans,british muslims all over the whole wide world...
i know it takes lots of effort to spread the goodness of islam and it just can't be done with barely just a pair of hands. it takes the entire ummah to spread the universal message that Islam carries and it ain't an easy task.
but first of all, i just hope that people give me a chance to explain that i'm a chinese muslim convert that wears the traditional tudung but that doesn't mean that i can speak malay. and when i can speak mandarin, that doesn't mean that i am a malay that studies chinese as a 2nd language. this is something that i've been wanting to tell them...
Monday, June 19, 2006
emotional surge
Sometimes i have this feeling of emptiness in my heart... and no amount of material stuff that i can buy for myself suffice to fill up this emptiness...
so i have come to this conclusion that shopping doesn't cure the 'disease' in your heart permanently but just temporarily.. and for all you know, the permanent damage would be on the accumulation of unpaid credit card bills plus the interest incurred... so what's the point of fulfilling that surging moments of desire that tricked your heart into believing that shopping would help when you know it won't remove the problem permanently?
but of course, this statement only applies individually.(only myself for that matter of fact) and i do feel that, ever since i became a muslim, many worldly perspectives which i used to have, had already changed over a period of time.
and amongst the many classes which i had attended, the thursday class(worldview topics based on verses from the quran) and the saturday class (topics on science of human disposition;akhlaq) changed many of my perspectives in life. for good of course...
the thursday class made me be much more aware of the ever changing world that evolves around us and how is it related to islam and how are we to respond to the changes without changing the islamic values that a muslim should hold onto. it's about changing your worldview as a muslim but not neglecting the importance of this world and how to benefit from it to prepare yourself in the next 'world'.
the saturday class did more tremendous changes on me especially with regards to the way i respond to others. my true self. being aware of this self that i possess and how to perfect this self so that it doesn't get corrupted. because as times goes by, the goodness in every single life would be clouded by many many other factors around us.if we do not keep the good and kick out the bad habits, then the good side of us would get corrupted.
and thank God, i've come to know about this class and i've got help before this good side gets corrupted.
insya allah(God wills) i would love to share more with my readers but becoz i'm using my bro's comp and he's chasing me for it so i have to stop here...
Meanwhile, may everyone of you have a blessed week ahead. amin.
so i have come to this conclusion that shopping doesn't cure the 'disease' in your heart permanently but just temporarily.. and for all you know, the permanent damage would be on the accumulation of unpaid credit card bills plus the interest incurred... so what's the point of fulfilling that surging moments of desire that tricked your heart into believing that shopping would help when you know it won't remove the problem permanently?
but of course, this statement only applies individually.(only myself for that matter of fact) and i do feel that, ever since i became a muslim, many worldly perspectives which i used to have, had already changed over a period of time.
and amongst the many classes which i had attended, the thursday class(worldview topics based on verses from the quran) and the saturday class (topics on science of human disposition;akhlaq) changed many of my perspectives in life. for good of course...
the thursday class made me be much more aware of the ever changing world that evolves around us and how is it related to islam and how are we to respond to the changes without changing the islamic values that a muslim should hold onto. it's about changing your worldview as a muslim but not neglecting the importance of this world and how to benefit from it to prepare yourself in the next 'world'.
the saturday class did more tremendous changes on me especially with regards to the way i respond to others. my true self. being aware of this self that i possess and how to perfect this self so that it doesn't get corrupted. because as times goes by, the goodness in every single life would be clouded by many many other factors around us.if we do not keep the good and kick out the bad habits, then the good side of us would get corrupted.
and thank God, i've come to know about this class and i've got help before this good side gets corrupted.
insya allah(God wills) i would love to share more with my readers but becoz i'm using my bro's comp and he's chasing me for it so i have to stop here...
Meanwhile, may everyone of you have a blessed week ahead. amin.
Monday, May 01, 2006
A little surprise from a courageous girl
It's been a month since i feed my thoughts in here. many a times i have so much to blog and so much to share with my readers but i'm drained out and totally lethargic every night. it wasnt the classes that drained me, perhaps it was rushing from places to places for my classes.
I WANT TO BLOG!!!! I have so many things to say but not enough time. Allah has mentioned in the Quran that ' time is always leaving men behind'. how amazing that even the Quran that 'survived' through these years have such 'real value' of substance that is so very much applicable in this modern context of our lives. How can you not take heed and look at Islam from a different perspective?
Anyway, just a short note...
Recently, friendship has been given a totally new meaning into my life through a mail from my overseas convert friend in Kuching. I received a 'praying gown' called 'telerkung' via mail all the way from Kuching. I was very shocked and happy and delighted that I've got Mail!!!
Even though i had friends, which i made over the internet, never did i expect someone to send me a parcel when we didn't know each other so well. but strangely, when we exchanged emails, we just felt that we cliqued and somehow share so many similar things as converts to the religion.
I'm certainly looking forward to meeting you, sis Fathihah (:
I WANT TO BLOG!!!! I have so many things to say but not enough time. Allah has mentioned in the Quran that ' time is always leaving men behind'. how amazing that even the Quran that 'survived' through these years have such 'real value' of substance that is so very much applicable in this modern context of our lives. How can you not take heed and look at Islam from a different perspective?
Anyway, just a short note...
Recently, friendship has been given a totally new meaning into my life through a mail from my overseas convert friend in Kuching. I received a 'praying gown' called 'telerkung' via mail all the way from Kuching. I was very shocked and happy and delighted that I've got Mail!!!
Even though i had friends, which i made over the internet, never did i expect someone to send me a parcel when we didn't know each other so well. but strangely, when we exchanged emails, we just felt that we cliqued and somehow share so many similar things as converts to the religion.
I'm certainly looking forward to meeting you, sis Fathihah (:
Saturday, April 29, 2006
Chalet moments
I had wanted to take off from work to spend my holidays in Malaysia. and if possible to meet all my neighbour's blogger buddies(if i can call them this way). i still remembered Nawooz inviting me to chat over a cup of coffee. perhaps he's busy with his other half... (; but due to insufficient funds and nil availability of my friends, that plan was shelved off. instead i decided to rent a chalet and call my friends over for a BBQ. just a normal get-together instead of the usual cuppa of teh tarik after classes. wanted to find a bigger chalet to accomodate many many la. but again, not enough money. so the biggest i can find is at the east coast of singapore. just a single storey one as its well within budget. heh heh.. (though double storey would be better) and only 3 days 2 nights... like not enough.
I invited my 'new friend' as well. informing him about the location and the days we are spending there. insya allah he will turn up was his reply... but of course i was really praying that he would turn up insya allah. (God-willing) hoping that it would be the time to get to know my friend better.
He turned up when i was supposed to check into the chalet with another brother. somehow my heart started thumping very fast. was this a feeling of nervousness or excitement to see him??
after we got the key, we walked to our unit. 1st thing we did was to switch on the aircon. no movement. then we tried to switch on the tv. no picture either. then we check the switchboard. all switches were fine. so i called the reception and 5mins later, the technician came. climbed up to check the switchbox, everything was working. then suddenly, he asked: "did u guys insert in the key card?" we walked over to the entrance and saw this key holder, which was supposed to activate the electricity supply with our key. WAH KAOZ.... we really made a fool of ourselves. LOL (:
after my prayers, the other brother left. leaving me behind with him. i panicked. becoz he was shy. i was shy. i sure dun know how la. we chat for a while but there was many moments of silence. a while later, another sister arrived. pheww... at least there was someone.. after our asar prayers, he left for his work. so i went out with the sister to do marketing at a nearby supermarket. then i went off for my class at changi.
as most of the sisters who stayed back need to work on Friday, i was alone at the chalet. a little pathetic right? though i only slept for a few hours after my prayers, i didnt head back to recuperate my rest after they left. went out after my afternoon prayers as i wanted to cycle but that goondu bicycle shop never open, so i spent my afternoon strolling under the hot sun. i sms-ed my friend to come early but he had something on. so it was just Me. Me. Me and Me from 11am to 430pm. when he arrived as promised and as early as he can, this time round we spent more time talking to each other... heh heh... i'm really happi to see him
and together with another bro, we set up the fire to start the BBQ. it was not easy but nevertheless it was fun. the BBQ went on smoothly. a little toomuch on the food becoz quite a few didnt turn up for the BBQ. at the same time, we took the opportunity to celebrate a sister's birthday. after the birthday, everyone just sit back and chit chat..
at this point of time, he said that he wanted to have some hot drinks, that was when i was told to walk to the food centre with him to get the drinks. i was glad at the suggestion but at the same time apprehensive as i was worried that there would be silence all the way back. it's a long way back...he was reluctant but finally relented. on the way back, i took the golden opportunity given by Allah to ask him many many questions... Alhamdulillah. he was willing to share too.. (:
I really need His Guidance (Allah's) to show me the way. any way. an appropriate way for the both of us. Insya allah. Ameen
I invited my 'new friend' as well. informing him about the location and the days we are spending there. insya allah he will turn up was his reply... but of course i was really praying that he would turn up insya allah. (God-willing) hoping that it would be the time to get to know my friend better.
He turned up when i was supposed to check into the chalet with another brother. somehow my heart started thumping very fast. was this a feeling of nervousness or excitement to see him??
after we got the key, we walked to our unit. 1st thing we did was to switch on the aircon. no movement. then we tried to switch on the tv. no picture either. then we check the switchboard. all switches were fine. so i called the reception and 5mins later, the technician came. climbed up to check the switchbox, everything was working. then suddenly, he asked: "did u guys insert in the key card?" we walked over to the entrance and saw this key holder, which was supposed to activate the electricity supply with our key. WAH KAOZ.... we really made a fool of ourselves. LOL (:
after my prayers, the other brother left. leaving me behind with him. i panicked. becoz he was shy. i was shy. i sure dun know how la. we chat for a while but there was many moments of silence. a while later, another sister arrived. pheww... at least there was someone.. after our asar prayers, he left for his work. so i went out with the sister to do marketing at a nearby supermarket. then i went off for my class at changi.
as most of the sisters who stayed back need to work on Friday, i was alone at the chalet. a little pathetic right? though i only slept for a few hours after my prayers, i didnt head back to recuperate my rest after they left. went out after my afternoon prayers as i wanted to cycle but that goondu bicycle shop never open, so i spent my afternoon strolling under the hot sun. i sms-ed my friend to come early but he had something on. so it was just Me. Me. Me and Me from 11am to 430pm. when he arrived as promised and as early as he can, this time round we spent more time talking to each other... heh heh... i'm really happi to see him
and together with another bro, we set up the fire to start the BBQ. it was not easy but nevertheless it was fun. the BBQ went on smoothly. a little toomuch on the food becoz quite a few didnt turn up for the BBQ. at the same time, we took the opportunity to celebrate a sister's birthday. after the birthday, everyone just sit back and chit chat..
at this point of time, he said that he wanted to have some hot drinks, that was when i was told to walk to the food centre with him to get the drinks. i was glad at the suggestion but at the same time apprehensive as i was worried that there would be silence all the way back. it's a long way back...he was reluctant but finally relented. on the way back, i took the golden opportunity given by Allah to ask him many many questions... Alhamdulillah. he was willing to share too.. (:
I really need His Guidance (Allah's) to show me the way. any way. an appropriate way for the both of us. Insya allah. Ameen
Thursday, April 20, 2006
13 apr 06 - start of a new friendship
Ever since i became a muslim, the time spent on shopping & entertainment has greatly been reduced. Because out of the 7days that everyone is entitled to, i spent 4 days on attending religious classes. Maybe to the rest of the friends and colleagues that i know,they think that i'm in tremendous torture, having to put myself through so many classes.
Believe it or not, I am enjoying every single moment of nourishing my soul with knowledge to the very 'last drop'.
And with the help of another chinese muslim convert, i got to learn and acquire knowledge through her recommendation to a very good teacher, who can speak english. alhamdullilah (praises be to Allah). if i didnt get to know her, i would reckon that i might be a lost sheep... and through her, i get to know many many more other chinese converts, and then my circle of muslim friends expanded. i needed this group of friends because somehow, some way, i seldom spend time with my other friends. not that i didnt like them anymore but perhaps, when i go out with my muslim friends, i can get support from them in times of difficulties. that's important...
so, among the group of friends she exposed me to, there was a chinese male convert amongst the rest. i dont get to hear much from him because when i first knew him, he was a very quiet man. whenever i see him in the group, he seldom talk. hmmm, or maybe he didnt want to talk to me. his quietness got me attracted to him. i'm strange. i dun like men/guys who talk alot or actions which are very 'big'. anyway, i talked to him a couple of times but didnt really knew anything about him yet. subconsciously, sometimes i was hoping to see him if i do get to hang out with that group of friends.
so time passed... the excitement of wanting to be his close friend subside a little because i got to see him less often... well i thought perhaps he was busy with his gf. but recently, about 2months ago, my girlfriend told me that she talked to that quiet guy, wanting to introduce me to him. but he said that he would prefer to seek guidance from Allah swt. since then, i didn't hear anything about that.... till
3weeks ago, she told me that she had given my mobile to that guy without my permission. so in turn, i quickly got his number too on the pretext that i would not miss his call if i had to save his number into my phone memory. haha! what crap!
i held on to his number for a couple of days. no call. no messages. so i picked up the phone and started composing a message for him to read. and half an hour later he replied. and so the story of a new friendship began....
but knowing my own style, i was quite hyper when it comes to making friends, i'm very enthusiastic. so i kept on asking him questions. it was those open ended questions but he could answer it with short answers. and that made me quite worried.
am i too inquisitive?or going too fast for him??
Believe it or not, I am enjoying every single moment of nourishing my soul with knowledge to the very 'last drop'.
And with the help of another chinese muslim convert, i got to learn and acquire knowledge through her recommendation to a very good teacher, who can speak english. alhamdullilah (praises be to Allah). if i didnt get to know her, i would reckon that i might be a lost sheep... and through her, i get to know many many more other chinese converts, and then my circle of muslim friends expanded. i needed this group of friends because somehow, some way, i seldom spend time with my other friends. not that i didnt like them anymore but perhaps, when i go out with my muslim friends, i can get support from them in times of difficulties. that's important...
so, among the group of friends she exposed me to, there was a chinese male convert amongst the rest. i dont get to hear much from him because when i first knew him, he was a very quiet man. whenever i see him in the group, he seldom talk. hmmm, or maybe he didnt want to talk to me. his quietness got me attracted to him. i'm strange. i dun like men/guys who talk alot or actions which are very 'big'. anyway, i talked to him a couple of times but didnt really knew anything about him yet. subconsciously, sometimes i was hoping to see him if i do get to hang out with that group of friends.
so time passed... the excitement of wanting to be his close friend subside a little because i got to see him less often... well i thought perhaps he was busy with his gf. but recently, about 2months ago, my girlfriend told me that she talked to that quiet guy, wanting to introduce me to him. but he said that he would prefer to seek guidance from Allah swt. since then, i didn't hear anything about that.... till
3weeks ago, she told me that she had given my mobile to that guy without my permission. so in turn, i quickly got his number too on the pretext that i would not miss his call if i had to save his number into my phone memory. haha! what crap!
i held on to his number for a couple of days. no call. no messages. so i picked up the phone and started composing a message for him to read. and half an hour later he replied. and so the story of a new friendship began....
but knowing my own style, i was quite hyper when it comes to making friends, i'm very enthusiastic. so i kept on asking him questions. it was those open ended questions but he could answer it with short answers. and that made me quite worried.
am i too inquisitive?or going too fast for him??
Sunday, April 16, 2006
The agonising and sinful rituals
This post describes my experience of going through the rituals as a muslim in a 'traditional chinese and traditionally-orientated' funeral procedures.
*Disclaimer: does not represent or discriminate any other race or religion whatsoever*at the sole discretion and rights of the writer.
10.4.06
The first night of the wake. i even went for my dinner with my colleagues before i went there. no prayers were performed.Pheeww... but i was summoned up to the altar to offer my last respects. held the joss stick in my hand and mumbled some prayers. was told to kneel down infront of her and bow 3 times. did as told but was feeling terribly inside. My mum said i can go back and clear my work tomorrow before applying for compassionate leave. i called up and sought consolation with my mentor.
11.4.06
My aunt gave me a lift after work to the wake. took my dinner first. prolonged my arrival at the wake so as to avoid the ritual. thank god. i managed to skip that one.
12.4.06 ~ 13.4.06
my official 2 days of my c/leave. horror begins... i was forced to wake up early. got shouted to wake up when i slept till 11am. was told that the prayers would begin at 2pm. sharks!!!!
quickly packed all my necc stuff (prayer mat, scarf,compass,towel) into my bag.
During these 2 days,there was no way to avoid those rituals and prayers that were arranged by my mum's friends. i prayed and prayed to allah that i could get myself away from such situations but i didnt. perhaps because this was meant to teach me a lesson, provide me with an everlasting sinful experience!
The gist of it was, i had to hold sutra books, kneel down, bow and walked around the coffin and the altar for 3 consecutive times. but of course, while they were singing away in the 'namo amitabha' chorus, i was frantically submerging myself into acts of praising God and glorifying Him. constantly repeating my shahadah statement (La ilaha illallah) THERE IS NO OTHER GOD WORTHY OF WORSHIP EXCEPT ALLAH S.W.T
In my first encounter with the ritual on the first afternoon, i did as i was told but i felt really terribly guilty. the 2nd and 3rd and the 4th days during the wake when rituals were unavoided, i 'discounted' myself. i went through all that i was 'commanded' to follow but becoz i hid myself towards the last row of the procession, i carried out a fake act of kneeling down but not literally kneeling. i held the joss stick and also carried a fake act of bowing down but only casting my eyes at the bottom. i wasnt sure if anybody saw this but i couldnt care less anymore. at this point i need to stress that, by doing this doesnt mean that i'm not being unfilial to my grandma. there are logical reasons for avoiding these rituals. will explain shortly...
i remembered running away on the 3rd night for my asar and magrib prayers, purposely coming back late so that i could avoid the night prayers. but was reprimanded by my mum that i was no longer allowed to leave the wake unless emergencies occured and require me to do so... (does kidnapping by my colleagues constitute an emergency?)
the funeral procession was due to take place on Friday afternoon and cremation to take place about 2pm. those cousins, including my brother that were unable to make it for the early part of the funeral turned up for the morning rituals. it was only during this ritual, i cried. but nobody saw it.. because i was sitting in the last row...
random thoughts ran through my mind...
about burning away my grandma. about the terrible feeling of doing something i dread to do. about my cousins following blindly things which by logical sense doesnt make any dollars or cents about what they were told to carry out. about my immediate family members being involved in shirik acts, engaging in acts which doesnt do any good to their life in the Hereafter. about how long do i need to take to 'convert' my family into muslims. about the fear of sending my parents in this way i most hate to send..
in my next post, i will then elaborate why i'm kicking such a big fuss about the rituals. got to go and finish my notes for tomorrow.
*Disclaimer: does not represent or discriminate any other race or religion whatsoever*at the sole discretion and rights of the writer.
10.4.06
The first night of the wake. i even went for my dinner with my colleagues before i went there. no prayers were performed.Pheeww... but i was summoned up to the altar to offer my last respects. held the joss stick in my hand and mumbled some prayers. was told to kneel down infront of her and bow 3 times. did as told but was feeling terribly inside. My mum said i can go back and clear my work tomorrow before applying for compassionate leave. i called up and sought consolation with my mentor.
11.4.06
My aunt gave me a lift after work to the wake. took my dinner first. prolonged my arrival at the wake so as to avoid the ritual. thank god. i managed to skip that one.
12.4.06 ~ 13.4.06
my official 2 days of my c/leave. horror begins... i was forced to wake up early. got shouted to wake up when i slept till 11am. was told that the prayers would begin at 2pm. sharks!!!!
quickly packed all my necc stuff (prayer mat, scarf,compass,towel) into my bag.
During these 2 days,there was no way to avoid those rituals and prayers that were arranged by my mum's friends. i prayed and prayed to allah that i could get myself away from such situations but i didnt. perhaps because this was meant to teach me a lesson, provide me with an everlasting sinful experience!
The gist of it was, i had to hold sutra books, kneel down, bow and walked around the coffin and the altar for 3 consecutive times. but of course, while they were singing away in the 'namo amitabha' chorus, i was frantically submerging myself into acts of praising God and glorifying Him. constantly repeating my shahadah statement (La ilaha illallah) THERE IS NO OTHER GOD WORTHY OF WORSHIP EXCEPT ALLAH S.W.T
In my first encounter with the ritual on the first afternoon, i did as i was told but i felt really terribly guilty. the 2nd and 3rd and the 4th days during the wake when rituals were unavoided, i 'discounted' myself. i went through all that i was 'commanded' to follow but becoz i hid myself towards the last row of the procession, i carried out a fake act of kneeling down but not literally kneeling. i held the joss stick and also carried a fake act of bowing down but only casting my eyes at the bottom. i wasnt sure if anybody saw this but i couldnt care less anymore. at this point i need to stress that, by doing this doesnt mean that i'm not being unfilial to my grandma. there are logical reasons for avoiding these rituals. will explain shortly...
i remembered running away on the 3rd night for my asar and magrib prayers, purposely coming back late so that i could avoid the night prayers. but was reprimanded by my mum that i was no longer allowed to leave the wake unless emergencies occured and require me to do so... (does kidnapping by my colleagues constitute an emergency?)
the funeral procession was due to take place on Friday afternoon and cremation to take place about 2pm. those cousins, including my brother that were unable to make it for the early part of the funeral turned up for the morning rituals. it was only during this ritual, i cried. but nobody saw it.. because i was sitting in the last row...
random thoughts ran through my mind...
about burning away my grandma. about the terrible feeling of doing something i dread to do. about my cousins following blindly things which by logical sense doesnt make any dollars or cents about what they were told to carry out. about my immediate family members being involved in shirik acts, engaging in acts which doesnt do any good to their life in the Hereafter. about how long do i need to take to 'convert' my family into muslims. about the fear of sending my parents in this way i most hate to send..
in my next post, i will then elaborate why i'm kicking such a big fuss about the rituals. got to go and finish my notes for tomorrow.
Tuesday, April 11, 2006
A regret I would live to remember
Previously about few months back, on my grandma's birthday, she looked perfectly healthy to me. but of late, i received bad news from my mum about my grandma.
she was diagnosed with lung cancer and had to go through an operation. told me the name of the hospital and wanted me to go and visit her. i was busy, i told my mum. nonetheless, i still thought about her. the very moment i had the intention to visit her, she got discharged.
then when i heard from my parents that she had temporarily stayed at one of my uncle's place, they gave me the address and told me to make time to go and see her. again, i told her i was busy. to me, i thought i was busy only for that 3 weeks. but when i finally made time and promised myself to go the very next day (10.4.06), i thought i was still early. but i was wrong.
that morning, i had the intention to wake up early for prayers but shaytan was sitting on my eyelids, and i couldnt get up. subconsciously, i know somehow i was awake and something was on my mind.
Immediately, the phone rang. my resident phone rang at 0445 hours!!! my sixth sense told me something must have happened to my grandma. Indeed, my aunt was on the other line. She exclaimed: "Grandma body is cold. Think she might have stopped breathing." i was in a total shock! Simply dazed!! and definitely regretful and remorseful that i had no chance to meet her till the moment she breathed her last. I didnt get to whisper to her, if i could, by the will of God, to acknowledge our kalimah shahadahtain.
i can't bear to break the news to my parents. my mum was awoken too but somehow she acted as though she was prepared. i wanted to follow her to my aunt's place but she said she wanna go there first and told me to go to work. I informed my brother via a sms. Apparently, today is his birthday. An unfortunate 'collision' of good and bad memories.
I went to work and applied for leave for the next couple of days. i still couldnt imagine that i have to bear this regret for the rest of the hours, days, weeks or months or years... but besides this, what frightens me most was to go through the rituals of 'praying to the dead person'.
as a muslim, i am not able to perform those rituals. but that doesn't strip me away of being a filial granddaughter to my grandma. i still have my ways of paying respect to her in a islamic manner.
unfortunately, my mum wouldnt understand that. neither would my dad. May Allah relieve me of the overwhelming challenges i need to face for the next couple of days during the funeral wake procession...
she was diagnosed with lung cancer and had to go through an operation. told me the name of the hospital and wanted me to go and visit her. i was busy, i told my mum. nonetheless, i still thought about her. the very moment i had the intention to visit her, she got discharged.
then when i heard from my parents that she had temporarily stayed at one of my uncle's place, they gave me the address and told me to make time to go and see her. again, i told her i was busy. to me, i thought i was busy only for that 3 weeks. but when i finally made time and promised myself to go the very next day (10.4.06), i thought i was still early. but i was wrong.
that morning, i had the intention to wake up early for prayers but shaytan was sitting on my eyelids, and i couldnt get up. subconsciously, i know somehow i was awake and something was on my mind.
Immediately, the phone rang. my resident phone rang at 0445 hours!!! my sixth sense told me something must have happened to my grandma. Indeed, my aunt was on the other line. She exclaimed: "Grandma body is cold. Think she might have stopped breathing." i was in a total shock! Simply dazed!! and definitely regretful and remorseful that i had no chance to meet her till the moment she breathed her last. I didnt get to whisper to her, if i could, by the will of God, to acknowledge our kalimah shahadahtain.
i can't bear to break the news to my parents. my mum was awoken too but somehow she acted as though she was prepared. i wanted to follow her to my aunt's place but she said she wanna go there first and told me to go to work. I informed my brother via a sms. Apparently, today is his birthday. An unfortunate 'collision' of good and bad memories.
I went to work and applied for leave for the next couple of days. i still couldnt imagine that i have to bear this regret for the rest of the hours, days, weeks or months or years... but besides this, what frightens me most was to go through the rituals of 'praying to the dead person'.
as a muslim, i am not able to perform those rituals. but that doesn't strip me away of being a filial granddaughter to my grandma. i still have my ways of paying respect to her in a islamic manner.
unfortunately, my mum wouldnt understand that. neither would my dad. May Allah relieve me of the overwhelming challenges i need to face for the next couple of days during the funeral wake procession...
Friday, March 31, 2006
How much do u know?
Enough of football right?
I wanted to blog and share some knowledge of what i've gathered from my classes to everybody but because i've delayed my 'blog posting' , hence my mind now is in a blank.
And furthermore, my PC is blinking away. macam it is going to die on me soon... I really can't wait to get a new PC for myself...
Oh btw, i hope to implement some changes for myself about the way i present my thoughts here.
Got to write lesser of sad stuff, Linus* stuff, goondu and silly stuff, more of inspirational or events i would love/need to remember stuff etcc... so actually, i've edited some posts previously... esp of Linus* since that chapter is already closed....
i'll be back soon folks!!!
I wanted to blog and share some knowledge of what i've gathered from my classes to everybody but because i've delayed my 'blog posting' , hence my mind now is in a blank.
And furthermore, my PC is blinking away. macam it is going to die on me soon... I really can't wait to get a new PC for myself...
Oh btw, i hope to implement some changes for myself about the way i present my thoughts here.
Got to write lesser of sad stuff, Linus* stuff, goondu and silly stuff, more of inspirational or events i would love/need to remember stuff etcc... so actually, i've edited some posts previously... esp of Linus* since that chapter is already closed....
i'll be back soon folks!!!
Wednesday, March 22, 2006
Celebrate Victory!
RAFA TARGETTING FA CUP GLORY IN MAY Mark Platt 21 March 2006
Rafael Benitez spoke of his burning desire to see Liverpool lift the FA Cup in May as he basked in the glory of the club's emphatic 7-0 quarter-final victory over a beleaguered Birmingham City at St Andrews.
The Reds romped to their all-time record away win in the competition thanks to goals from Sami Hyypia, Peter Crouch (2), Fernando Morientes, John Arne Riise, an Oliver Tebily own goal and Djibril Cisse.
They now await Friday's semi-final draw with eager anticipation and a clearly satisfied Benitez said afterwards: "We have already won one cup this season, the Super Cup, and we hope the FA Cup can be the second. "We always want to do well in the cups and this competition is no different. The FA Cup is very important for us. We have confidence and will try to do the same things again in the next round but we have to take one game at a time and see what happens. "I am delighted with the final result and the performance of the players tonight. They worked really hard and it is the first time in my professional career that I have won by seven goals. The players wanted to keep scoring and were determined to keep a clean sheet. "I was particularly pleased with the return of Momo Sissoko. This was really good news for us. He showed great character." Asked if he had any sympathy for his under-fire Birmingham counterpart Steve Bruce, Benitez added: "Games like this are difficult for a manager. I thinkBirmingham worked hard but to start a game and then suddenly find yourself two down after five minutes is never easy. He can be proud of the effort his players put in and I do feel some sympathy."
p/s: Guys up there in the picture, pleaseeee keep up the peak performance against the match with Everton okie?
Tuesday, March 21, 2006
A day of discoveries
Today I discovered the power of 'taqwa' (consciousness of God). My recent lessons were mostly emphasized on developing taqwa, so that we could attain a level much closer to God. Because the consciousness of God in our self isn't just about thinking of Him when u deem u need help but consciously, effortlessly and constantly, every single thing that you do, you Remembers Him. He is everywhere. and He is closer than man's jugular vein. He also tells us that when we call out to Him in prayers, He hears and He answers.
as we all know, sometimes work carries us far far away from the remembrance of God, but if we practise 'taqwa', no matter how busy you are, God should always be constantly remembered. in every single step you take or every stairs you climb, in the back of your mind, you would always remember that God is watching over you. and has knowledge of all your words and actions. and so because i was constantly fed with all those verses from the Quran by the ustaz, i'm beginning to be much more aware of what i think or act. and that every action or thought should be inline with what a muslim should do or should not. very cautious and conscious. knowing of the consequences of incurring the wrath or punishment of God, i was coming quite close in slowly reforming of how i treat others. I'm trying my best becoz maybe i need to kick off some hard core habits.
so now, this is the power of Taqwa. this is the beauty of Islam.
Today is also Linus* birthday. and i think Allah swt sent me a reminder today. about what i did. about what had happened since 2months back... Previously, i had made plans about what to give him for his birthday present. i had also planned a sumptuous date and dinner for him in advance. but Allah decrees that i should lose him way before his birthday comes. Allah decrees that hurtful words should come out from his mouth to tell me that i was never considered becoz no outcome would come out of us since no decisions could be made between us. and there and then he left with someone new by his side. i had a hard time and i struggled through. alhamdulillah (all praise belongs to God) i survived. friendship between us survived through. and we continued keeping in touch. friends had laughed at how foolish i was to 'cling' on him since he had already clarified his position. and i was to stop contacting him at all. i knew i couldnt do it. maybe he could or probably he would. Just One fine day. so am i gonna be thrown aside when he decides to do that act again?
so i met him and passed him his presents. in a huge box. with several surprises inside. a day before his actual birthday of course. (my priority was of course downgraded) he thanked me in millions for my effort. and i replied 'oh, dun mention. you are welcome.' blah blah blah.... then later part of the night, struggling to keep my eyes open, i recorded a stupid video clip of me singing a birthday song for him from the inspiration i got when he first gave me a birthday video clip in 2004. come 0000 hrs, i send out the MMS. no reply. hmmm... okay, he must have fell asleep. so i went to bed as well.
As usual i would send him a sms to ask about his day but he 'suddenly disappeared'. two sms went out. three. No reply. kinda worried at first, so i called him. Phone was ringing but no one picked up. Okay i thought. 3 possibilities.
1. in meeting.
2. didnt hear.
3. with GF.
*most prob, is number 3 possibility*
so of course i stopped sms-ing liao... but later when he replied, he didn't want to answer any single question about where did he go for celebration etc... well, yes he has the right not to reveal and what more, the right to go out with any pretty girl right??
Chapter closed.
as we all know, sometimes work carries us far far away from the remembrance of God, but if we practise 'taqwa', no matter how busy you are, God should always be constantly remembered. in every single step you take or every stairs you climb, in the back of your mind, you would always remember that God is watching over you. and has knowledge of all your words and actions. and so because i was constantly fed with all those verses from the Quran by the ustaz, i'm beginning to be much more aware of what i think or act. and that every action or thought should be inline with what a muslim should do or should not. very cautious and conscious. knowing of the consequences of incurring the wrath or punishment of God, i was coming quite close in slowly reforming of how i treat others. I'm trying my best becoz maybe i need to kick off some hard core habits.
so now, this is the power of Taqwa. this is the beauty of Islam.
Today is also Linus* birthday. and i think Allah swt sent me a reminder today. about what i did. about what had happened since 2months back... Previously, i had made plans about what to give him for his birthday present. i had also planned a sumptuous date and dinner for him in advance. but Allah decrees that i should lose him way before his birthday comes. Allah decrees that hurtful words should come out from his mouth to tell me that i was never considered becoz no outcome would come out of us since no decisions could be made between us. and there and then he left with someone new by his side. i had a hard time and i struggled through. alhamdulillah (all praise belongs to God) i survived. friendship between us survived through. and we continued keeping in touch. friends had laughed at how foolish i was to 'cling' on him since he had already clarified his position. and i was to stop contacting him at all. i knew i couldnt do it. maybe he could or probably he would. Just One fine day. so am i gonna be thrown aside when he decides to do that act again?
so i met him and passed him his presents. in a huge box. with several surprises inside. a day before his actual birthday of course. (my priority was of course downgraded) he thanked me in millions for my effort. and i replied 'oh, dun mention. you are welcome.' blah blah blah.... then later part of the night, struggling to keep my eyes open, i recorded a stupid video clip of me singing a birthday song for him from the inspiration i got when he first gave me a birthday video clip in 2004. come 0000 hrs, i send out the MMS. no reply. hmmm... okay, he must have fell asleep. so i went to bed as well.
As usual i would send him a sms to ask about his day but he 'suddenly disappeared'. two sms went out. three. No reply. kinda worried at first, so i called him. Phone was ringing but no one picked up. Okay i thought. 3 possibilities.
1. in meeting.
2. didnt hear.
3. with GF.
*most prob, is number 3 possibility*
so of course i stopped sms-ing liao... but later when he replied, he didn't want to answer any single question about where did he go for celebration etc... well, yes he has the right not to reveal and what more, the right to go out with any pretty girl right??
Chapter closed.
Thursday, March 16, 2006
She touched my heart
Ever since i began blogging about my stories of my journey in islam, i had received numerous comments on the blog that i've created for this special journey. some were sweet and some were intriguing, and at times sarcastic too. but never mind, it didnt hinder me from writing more...
one or two stayed and the rest were just passer-bys... the max that i did was to link those who seemed interested to make friends with me, with no bounds on race or religion or colour. but never had i come so far as to exchange email address with the people whom i never met till this very recent blog that i created ever since i moved my house from blog.com
well, she's a convert too when she first visited my weblog. i was ecstatic. totally fantastic!! much later, i got hold of her weblog too and i began reading her writings ... and so it got started and we exchanged our stories of conversion. and from her stories that she re-told to me, she touched my heart and moved me to tears. really. i admired her courage. i feel that i got so much to learn from her.
i think i want to meet her. insya allah. if we really meet, 24hours would not be sufficient for us. right??
i have lots and lots of good things to tell you about her but for the meantime, i'm keeping the 'cat in the bag' first since we only exchanged it among ourselves. unless she give permission. but the least i could tell you that she's a got beautiful name and this is herlink
one or two stayed and the rest were just passer-bys... the max that i did was to link those who seemed interested to make friends with me, with no bounds on race or religion or colour. but never had i come so far as to exchange email address with the people whom i never met till this very recent blog that i created ever since i moved my house from blog.com
well, she's a convert too when she first visited my weblog. i was ecstatic. totally fantastic!! much later, i got hold of her weblog too and i began reading her writings ... and so it got started and we exchanged our stories of conversion. and from her stories that she re-told to me, she touched my heart and moved me to tears. really. i admired her courage. i feel that i got so much to learn from her.
i think i want to meet her. insya allah. if we really meet, 24hours would not be sufficient for us. right??
i have lots and lots of good things to tell you about her but for the meantime, i'm keeping the 'cat in the bag' first since we only exchanged it among ourselves. unless she give permission. but the least i could tell you that she's a got beautiful name and this is her
Tuesday, March 14, 2006
Just right behind you Stevie!!!!
STEVIE: WE HAVE TO WIN ON WEDNESDAY Paul Rogers 13 March 2006
Steven Gerrard believes that nothing less than three points against Fulham on Wednesday night will do for the Reds if Liverpool are to maintain their grip on third place in the Premiership.
Defeat at Highbury on Sunday cut the gap between Liverpool and the Gunners to just eight points but a win against Fulham at Anfield this week could see the Reds restore their 11-point advantage. After the pain of the Highbury loss, the game against Chris Coleman's side is simply one we must win, claims the skipper. - yes, indeed that was yet another heartbreaking and painful match to watch after their defeat against Benfica.
"As captain, I'm deeply disappointed for the supporters," Gerrard said of Liverpool's final ever game at Highbury. "I thought we played a lot better in the second half, but we didn't do enough to win the game. "It's been a disappointing week and now we need a big reaction. We've got Fulham at home and we need to win to ensure we stay in this top four. We've got to get maximum points. There's still a lot to play for. - you better be disappointed Captain Stevie. there's so many supporters all over the world supporting for LiverpoolFC. Pleaseeee motivate your fellow mates in the team.. i would suggest u talk to Rafa, to get Milan Baros back, better still if you need to trade Morientes to get him back. i'm all hands and legs to support your decision.
"We want to reward the fans with the FA Cup and qualify for the Champions League. It's not all doom and gloom, but I need to pick myself and the team up." believes that nothing less than three points against Fulham on Wednesday night will do for the Reds if Liverpool are to maintain their grip on third place in the Premiership. - you better hurry captain!!! We are not gonna let you suffer any humiliation and defeat. no action and talk only just makes the supporters worried about your 3rd place positioning.
Defeat at Highbury on Sunday cut the gap between Liverpool and the Gunners to just eight points but a win against Fulham at Anfield this week could see the Reds restore their 11-point advantage. After the pain of the Highbury loss, the game against Chris Coleman's side is simply one we must win, claims the skipper. - Captain, once again the LFC supporters must say that, we not only must WIN but we DEFINITELY have to WIN!!!!!!!!
Saturday, March 11, 2006
time
Its been a long long time since i blogged out here...
How's everyone doin'? Busy?
the reason for my disappearance was due to the fact that i had been so very busy of late. with projects, classes and more classes, catching up with friends etc... so busy that getting home after 11pm is the norm thing nowadays... my mum is questioning my late noshows too... i hope she's not assuming something negative though.
somehow 24hours never seemed enuff, esp when sleep is insufficient. ironically, the hours that i spend sleeping is lesser than what i've spend on working (or is it meant to be like this?) so by the time i get home, after i finished my prayers, i go straight to bed. didnt even read my books. been missing out too much on them. bad... real bad... and i missed blogging too...
i'm sure u people do share the same sentiments. as u grow older, the more responsibilities u carry on ur shoulder, the more things u need to get committed, the lesser time u have for yourself. now that i'm not attached with anyone right now, i've been thinking that prob Linus* is busy with gf most of the times liao. wonder how's everything for the both of them??
whatever it is, i hope everyone who comes to my blog often think about the most cherished people around you... spend time with them, let them know that you cherish and value them (whether is it gf or bf, husband or wife, parents etc). dont let time take them away... i also hope that in the near future, when this project that i'm involved is pretty much settled down, i would have time to accompany my parents often...
if preferably, STOP my mum from going to the temple more often. haha...
that's my ULTIMATE GOAL....
How's everyone doin'? Busy?
the reason for my disappearance was due to the fact that i had been so very busy of late. with projects, classes and more classes, catching up with friends etc... so busy that getting home after 11pm is the norm thing nowadays... my mum is questioning my late noshows too... i hope she's not assuming something negative though.
somehow 24hours never seemed enuff, esp when sleep is insufficient. ironically, the hours that i spend sleeping is lesser than what i've spend on working (or is it meant to be like this?) so by the time i get home, after i finished my prayers, i go straight to bed. didnt even read my books. been missing out too much on them. bad... real bad... and i missed blogging too...
i'm sure u people do share the same sentiments. as u grow older, the more responsibilities u carry on ur shoulder, the more things u need to get committed, the lesser time u have for yourself. now that i'm not attached with anyone right now, i've been thinking that prob Linus* is busy with gf most of the times liao. wonder how's everything for the both of them??
whatever it is, i hope everyone who comes to my blog often think about the most cherished people around you... spend time with them, let them know that you cherish and value them (whether is it gf or bf, husband or wife, parents etc). dont let time take them away... i also hope that in the near future, when this project that i'm involved is pretty much settled down, i would have time to accompany my parents often...
if preferably, STOP my mum from going to the temple more often. haha...
that's my ULTIMATE GOAL....
Tuesday, March 07, 2006
Just the right kind
Today i'm gonna relate a story. an experience which left me quite sad and disappointed.i've always been taught to have a good impression of others and never be judgemental so bear in mind this isn't a stereo-typed version. Its my personal lesson and something i would like to share in view of what the non muslims would think when this scenario happens:
there were a group of colleagues meeting up to have lunch together. it was a mixture of muslims and non muslims and i happened to be one of them. they were gathered at an 'ulu' shopping centre with 2 fast food joints, a hawker which hasnt operate and a food court with only a halal foodstall. they contemplated for 4 minutes, finally deciding on the food court upstairs. while making their way up, unexpectedly another muslim spotted a thai seafood restaurant. everybody including her was pretty excited and started looking at me to seek approval.
i stared at the signages with pictures of the food for 2mins.
a non muslim exclaimed:" see, there's no pork. you can eat the chicken."
the other muslim said: "you can eat prawns, and there's vegetables."
to avoid all the attention, i told them okay okay. just before we stepped in, the waiter at the entrance prompted: 'this is not a halal restaurant.' they nodded and walked in. i suddenly realised that i cannot succumb to such desires of thinking that this restaurant is halal to proceed. i sat down and opened the menu.
one big word appeared: PORK
and i told myself: NO WAY!!!! so i went ahead and tell them to go ahead and i would go buy my own food elsewhere. the muslim said to me; 'the waiter told me that the rest of the items are safe.' hmmm.... when pork is cooked together with rest of the dishes, its safe?? as there were other non muslims around, i didnt want to embarrass her like that but i indirectly told her that it's haram. and she continued anyway... i could also sense that the people around were carrying 'strange looks' at the both of us.
i could see that they are confused. perhaps they would view me as being rigid or extremist while the other muslim was much more flexible with food regulations. would this scenario destroy the originated message to dawah that all muslims should avoid places where pork is cooked???
i didnt laugh at her but somehow i felt sad and disappointed. sad for her and disappointed with myself. previously on another occassion when i went out with her, i actually got carried away and neglected my prayers. i was afraid of letting her wait for me to finish my prayers when i actually should be afraid of Allah for missing my prayers without valid reasons. i didnt set a good example to her. and today, this had to happen. i reprimanded myself for not emphasizing but yet hesistant because i might not be wise enuff to use the correct approach. aarrgghhh....... i hate myself
nonetheless,insya allah i hope that she continues to read the Quran translation i gave her and wake up soon enuff. (put it abruptly) or maybe she could be able to start somewhere by beginning to change her 'haram menu' slowly.
and i remembered what the ustaz always said about people having strange thoughts about this strange religion. i dun know how he phrased it. will tell u guys next week.
sometimes i wish i could find and spend more time with the people 'with the right kind of religious priorities'...
there were a group of colleagues meeting up to have lunch together. it was a mixture of muslims and non muslims and i happened to be one of them. they were gathered at an 'ulu' shopping centre with 2 fast food joints, a hawker which hasnt operate and a food court with only a halal foodstall. they contemplated for 4 minutes, finally deciding on the food court upstairs. while making their way up, unexpectedly another muslim spotted a thai seafood restaurant. everybody including her was pretty excited and started looking at me to seek approval.
i stared at the signages with pictures of the food for 2mins.
a non muslim exclaimed:" see, there's no pork. you can eat the chicken."
the other muslim said: "you can eat prawns, and there's vegetables."
to avoid all the attention, i told them okay okay. just before we stepped in, the waiter at the entrance prompted: 'this is not a halal restaurant.' they nodded and walked in. i suddenly realised that i cannot succumb to such desires of thinking that this restaurant is halal to proceed. i sat down and opened the menu.
one big word appeared: PORK
and i told myself: NO WAY!!!! so i went ahead and tell them to go ahead and i would go buy my own food elsewhere. the muslim said to me; 'the waiter told me that the rest of the items are safe.' hmmm.... when pork is cooked together with rest of the dishes, its safe?? as there were other non muslims around, i didnt want to embarrass her like that but i indirectly told her that it's haram. and she continued anyway... i could also sense that the people around were carrying 'strange looks' at the both of us.
i could see that they are confused. perhaps they would view me as being rigid or extremist while the other muslim was much more flexible with food regulations. would this scenario destroy the originated message to dawah that all muslims should avoid places where pork is cooked???
i didnt laugh at her but somehow i felt sad and disappointed. sad for her and disappointed with myself. previously on another occassion when i went out with her, i actually got carried away and neglected my prayers. i was afraid of letting her wait for me to finish my prayers when i actually should be afraid of Allah for missing my prayers without valid reasons. i didnt set a good example to her. and today, this had to happen. i reprimanded myself for not emphasizing but yet hesistant because i might not be wise enuff to use the correct approach. aarrgghhh....... i hate myself
nonetheless,insya allah i hope that she continues to read the Quran translation i gave her and wake up soon enuff. (put it abruptly) or maybe she could be able to start somewhere by beginning to change her 'haram menu' slowly.
and i remembered what the ustaz always said about people having strange thoughts about this strange religion. i dun know how he phrased it. will tell u guys next week.
sometimes i wish i could find and spend more time with the people 'with the right kind of religious priorities'...
Saturday, February 18, 2006
the egg story
if i had a decent PC where i can upload pixs, i would definitely show u guys what happened to my egg... anyway it's not my 1st time okay, i'm not that lousy!!
since Linus* left, i had less one dinner companion. so one evening i came back home after work, bought a half dozen of eggs and decided to cook a packet of tom yam maggi for myself. unknowingly, my mummy had left over porridge and so i had to 'make use' of the left over as my dinner. and since there wasnt much choice of dishes left, i decided to mix 2 eggs together and fry them. tom yam mission had to be abandoned. *sad*
after i poured in a small teaspoon of oil, i waited for it to get heated up. then i poured in the egg mixture.and i covered the pot. a while later i came back for it and turned it over. it was still alright. i covered back and scooped up my porridge and the vegetables from the other pot. i went back to my fried eggs and saw that it was okay liao. i turned off the flame and covered it back. lazy characteristics occupied more areas in my blood, hence i left half of what i fried inside the pot, while i took the other half out.
unfortunately,due to my laziness, the egg got burnt inside and created a 'burning' smell in the kitchen. my mum started nagging at me. nag nag nag and nag... i let her nag but occassionally, i kept defending myself. at one point of time, i said; " Ok ok". and SNAP! She gave me this angry look and continued nagging at me, now in a different tone. she said i didnt allow her to let her correct me which actually i did. i only wanted to cut short the nagging that's all.
so that was it, our little cold war started and only ended after 2 days then we kinda resume back to 'friendly skies'... ironically, it was AN EGG that caused all this commotion. of course, lessons were learnt la.
1. never to repeat such an act again.
2. that however, the nagging would continue after 15mins, i need to bear with it for another 15mins.
3. that i should at least choose something more creative than 'an egg' to stir up such a commotion. maybe some 'kangkong' or 'kailan' next time since she's a vegetarian.
good nite folks.
since Linus* left, i had less one dinner companion. so one evening i came back home after work, bought a half dozen of eggs and decided to cook a packet of tom yam maggi for myself. unknowingly, my mummy had left over porridge and so i had to 'make use' of the left over as my dinner. and since there wasnt much choice of dishes left, i decided to mix 2 eggs together and fry them. tom yam mission had to be abandoned. *sad*
after i poured in a small teaspoon of oil, i waited for it to get heated up. then i poured in the egg mixture.and i covered the pot. a while later i came back for it and turned it over. it was still alright. i covered back and scooped up my porridge and the vegetables from the other pot. i went back to my fried eggs and saw that it was okay liao. i turned off the flame and covered it back. lazy characteristics occupied more areas in my blood, hence i left half of what i fried inside the pot, while i took the other half out.
unfortunately,due to my laziness, the egg got burnt inside and created a 'burning' smell in the kitchen. my mum started nagging at me. nag nag nag and nag... i let her nag but occassionally, i kept defending myself. at one point of time, i said; " Ok ok". and SNAP! She gave me this angry look and continued nagging at me, now in a different tone. she said i didnt allow her to let her correct me which actually i did. i only wanted to cut short the nagging that's all.
so that was it, our little cold war started and only ended after 2 days then we kinda resume back to 'friendly skies'... ironically, it was AN EGG that caused all this commotion. of course, lessons were learnt la.
1. never to repeat such an act again.
2. that however, the nagging would continue after 15mins, i need to bear with it for another 15mins.
3. that i should at least choose something more creative than 'an egg' to stir up such a commotion. maybe some 'kangkong' or 'kailan' next time since she's a vegetarian.
good nite folks.
Thursday, February 09, 2006
One year anniversary as a new born...
In the Islamic calendar of year 1427, 10th Muharram which is today.... is exactly ONE YEAR into my conversion as a new born Muslim!!!
as my blog address implies, today is my birthday!!!
Happy birthday to MYSELF!!!!!!
besides telling you people that it's my birthday, there are also other major significant events that happened during the Prophet (s.a.w) era.
it has been a year. only a year but so many things have happened. and so many things have changed due to my conversion. there's so many things i wanna say but i dun have the time... becoz here i am sitting infront of a PC that belongs to a place where internet surfing is chargeable. haha... so lame rite?
instead of finding company to have a nice chat over dinner, here i am alone in an internet cafe. how pathetic..... the only person i hope to have dinner with was my mentor BUT BUT BUT....my mentor has desserted me for his P.E.S.L with his girlfriend. long goneeeeeee.
Goneeeeee with theeeee winddddddd............ whewwww...........
Last year i had a chance to let an ustaz to be one of my witness through a female chinese convert. she said that if i need a witness, i could call her and get them down to my conversion. but becoz my mentor had already called his fren, i wasn't sure if it was okay to take up ustaz's invitation. if only i had made proper decisions on my own (if i knew how to then), i wud still have a ray of light/hope to having someone to guide me on this path as a new convert. (i'm still considered new rite?)
previously, my mentor was already spending lesser and lesser time to coach me due to his packed schedule. and the other witness was someone i wasn't familiar with in the first place. so now, since the two witness have done their 'disappearing act' way before i touched one year, i've got to find teachers myself so that i won't get lost and be 'kidnapped' by shaytan.
i noe it's not an easy path to travel on especially when i'm all alone. just have to look out for 'boogie traps' along the way.
as my blog address implies, today is my birthday!!!
Happy birthday to MYSELF!!!!!!
besides telling you people that it's my birthday, there are also other major significant events that happened during the Prophet (s.a.w) era.
it has been a year. only a year but so many things have happened. and so many things have changed due to my conversion. there's so many things i wanna say but i dun have the time... becoz here i am sitting infront of a PC that belongs to a place where internet surfing is chargeable. haha... so lame rite?
instead of finding company to have a nice chat over dinner, here i am alone in an internet cafe. how pathetic..... the only person i hope to have dinner with was my mentor BUT BUT BUT....my mentor has desserted me for his P.E.S.L with his girlfriend. long goneeeeeee.
Goneeeeee with theeeee winddddddd............ whewwww...........
Last year i had a chance to let an ustaz to be one of my witness through a female chinese convert. she said that if i need a witness, i could call her and get them down to my conversion. but becoz my mentor had already called his fren, i wasn't sure if it was okay to take up ustaz's invitation. if only i had made proper decisions on my own (if i knew how to then), i wud still have a ray of light/hope to having someone to guide me on this path as a new convert. (i'm still considered new rite?)
previously, my mentor was already spending lesser and lesser time to coach me due to his packed schedule. and the other witness was someone i wasn't familiar with in the first place. so now, since the two witness have done their 'disappearing act' way before i touched one year, i've got to find teachers myself so that i won't get lost and be 'kidnapped' by shaytan.
i noe it's not an easy path to travel on especially when i'm all alone. just have to look out for 'boogie traps' along the way.
Wednesday, February 01, 2006
First CNY as a *chinese*muslim
The reason why i emphasized the word 'chinese' is because i had this experience of talking to a fellow chinese old man, about me not being able to celebrate CNY because i've converted. i got a little worked up that day. despite telling him that race has got nothing to do with my conversion and I am WHO I am, he still insist that i cant celebrate. Madness. anyway, let's forgive him. he doesnt know that much.
3 days of CNY celebration is finally OVER... sigh... 6 more hours i'll be back to work... 6 more hours and i'm still awake. i'll look like a panda bear tomorrow. here's a round up to what have i been doing these 3 days of CNY:
Epilogue: Last year before CNY, i was still a non muslim but was already 80% practising the religion with the help of my mentor. practising mean i've learnt to cover myself with appropriate attire and abstaining myself from non halal food at all times even how tempting it may be. not many people within my relatives zone know about this.
28th (Eve of CNY) : went to my aunt's place for reunion. since now even my aunt know about it already, she got for me some fish items for steamboat. cant guarantee for the chicken so i decided to avoid it althogether. better be safe than sorry. though i know the utensils arent that clean but i've got no choice leh... make do lor...
29th (1st day) : went out quite late becoz brother didnt wake up early. first house we went was my grandma's place. got 4angpows from just one place. then we proceeded to my mother's grandma place. this place consists of many brothers and sisters and their families plus their kids. it's a very crowded place. biggest place of angpow collection. collected more than a dozen from here. but on my mind wasnt about collecting angpows. i'm already quite old. feeling quite 'malu' collecting for 20 odd years liao, people will start asking why havent got boyfriend. my worries were not being able to perform my prayers!! around 4plus, we were summoned to another grandma's place. collected another 4. when i saw time was running out, and since my parents were 'staking out' on the gambling table, i said a white lie and told them that i wanna go central and meet friend. so this was it, i sneaked out to pray asar and magrib at a nearby mosque.
30th (2nd day) : everybody woke up late today. and gues what, we left house around five and i got to pray my asar at home. i was very happy. don't have to worry about finding a place to pray. after visiting my dad's sister place, we went back to my aunt's place again. i liked this place because i get to pray but on the other hand, sometimes i cant help but doubt the quality requirement of the food tat has to be consumed.
31st (3rd day) : after i finished my zuhur prayers, i left for my friend's place at sengkang. i got lots of shocking faces when i turned up with my tudung. not much questions were asked about the reason for conversion but i know after i leave, people would talk. they cant speculate that i would get married soon because my bubble of love just burst! after that, i rushed off for another colleague's house at sengkang too. stayed there for less than an hour and we left. i didnt had any place to go so i headed for a mosque near my house for my asar, magrib and isyak prayers. i had a terrible day today. can't help but feeling sad when i think about Linus* again. cried during my prayers again (since zuhur till isyak). wanna sought help from my mentor but he's just like Linus*, also busy with girlfriend liao.
Enough said about Linus*.
though i may not know how long i would take to climb out from this hole but i hope i can recover soon. Hope that God will guide me and forgive me for whatever evilish or undesirable thoughts that i've harboured arising from this test that He had decreed upon me..
3 days of CNY celebration is finally OVER... sigh... 6 more hours i'll be back to work... 6 more hours and i'm still awake. i'll look like a panda bear tomorrow. here's a round up to what have i been doing these 3 days of CNY:
Epilogue: Last year before CNY, i was still a non muslim but was already 80% practising the religion with the help of my mentor. practising mean i've learnt to cover myself with appropriate attire and abstaining myself from non halal food at all times even how tempting it may be. not many people within my relatives zone know about this.
28th (Eve of CNY) : went to my aunt's place for reunion. since now even my aunt know about it already, she got for me some fish items for steamboat. cant guarantee for the chicken so i decided to avoid it althogether. better be safe than sorry. though i know the utensils arent that clean but i've got no choice leh... make do lor...
29th (1st day) : went out quite late becoz brother didnt wake up early. first house we went was my grandma's place. got 4angpows from just one place. then we proceeded to my mother's grandma place. this place consists of many brothers and sisters and their families plus their kids. it's a very crowded place. biggest place of angpow collection. collected more than a dozen from here. but on my mind wasnt about collecting angpows. i'm already quite old. feeling quite 'malu' collecting for 20 odd years liao, people will start asking why havent got boyfriend. my worries were not being able to perform my prayers!! around 4plus, we were summoned to another grandma's place. collected another 4. when i saw time was running out, and since my parents were 'staking out' on the gambling table, i said a white lie and told them that i wanna go central and meet friend. so this was it, i sneaked out to pray asar and magrib at a nearby mosque.
30th (2nd day) : everybody woke up late today. and gues what, we left house around five and i got to pray my asar at home. i was very happy. don't have to worry about finding a place to pray. after visiting my dad's sister place, we went back to my aunt's place again. i liked this place because i get to pray but on the other hand, sometimes i cant help but doubt the quality requirement of the food tat has to be consumed.
31st (3rd day) : after i finished my zuhur prayers, i left for my friend's place at sengkang. i got lots of shocking faces when i turned up with my tudung. not much questions were asked about the reason for conversion but i know after i leave, people would talk. they cant speculate that i would get married soon because my bubble of love just burst! after that, i rushed off for another colleague's house at sengkang too. stayed there for less than an hour and we left. i didnt had any place to go so i headed for a mosque near my house for my asar, magrib and isyak prayers. i had a terrible day today. can't help but feeling sad when i think about Linus* again. cried during my prayers again (since zuhur till isyak). wanna sought help from my mentor but he's just like Linus*, also busy with girlfriend liao.
Enough said about Linus*.
though i may not know how long i would take to climb out from this hole but i hope i can recover soon. Hope that God will guide me and forgive me for whatever evilish or undesirable thoughts that i've harboured arising from this test that He had decreed upon me..
Tuesday, January 31, 2006
Thank you bloggers' buddies!
Thank you all bloggers' (Shan and Fatihah) !! Thank you thank you! You all have been most kind to give the moral support and encouragement. the healing process would be alot easier with having you people around... *Mmmuuacckss*
consolation words had been pouring in since i blogged out my sad love story. i had friends whom i neva met concerned about me. what about Linus*? where have he been?
18 Jan 06. etched in my memory. including all that we have gone through. locked up inside my head.. getting it removed is hard because of the amount of time spent and the accumulation of memories we had together. on 18 Jan, this very day, i saw a vehicle with his initials on it and i saw many many Ford Ms around. the numbers neva went down even though i have stopped looking at cars travelling on the road.
Since 18 Jan 06, Linus* had repeatedly told me that all this that happened wasnt simply what he could foresee or plan in advance. with God's will, we need to accept that anything that He wills to happen, nothing can change it. and this fact of us not coming together as a couple testifies that God has the power to will what He wants and what He doesnt want.
I'm a muslim. i truly believe that God has powers none could mimic or possess. i truly believe that if He wills it, no one could stop Him.
Now I wonder has he heard my prayers? i prayed every day hoping that Linus* could be with me through God's blessings. but this isn't happening and i still haven't got over it. Do i really have to resign to what He has already planned? if He had better plans for me, did He also plan that i had to take on such burden of hearing those sad parting words from Linus*?
Since 18 Jan 06, i had been going round and round circles, thinking whether am i wrong not to accept what God has willed? sometimes i really dont feel like accepting. is this sinful?
i hear a voice shouting within: "I dun wanna accept God's will. i dun wanna accept that He has taken him away from me."
i simply cant get myself out from this black pit hole.
consolation words had been pouring in since i blogged out my sad love story. i had friends whom i neva met concerned about me. what about Linus*? where have he been?
18 Jan 06. etched in my memory. including all that we have gone through. locked up inside my head.. getting it removed is hard because of the amount of time spent and the accumulation of memories we had together. on 18 Jan, this very day, i saw a vehicle with his initials on it and i saw many many Ford Ms around. the numbers neva went down even though i have stopped looking at cars travelling on the road.
Since 18 Jan 06, Linus* had repeatedly told me that all this that happened wasnt simply what he could foresee or plan in advance. with God's will, we need to accept that anything that He wills to happen, nothing can change it. and this fact of us not coming together as a couple testifies that God has the power to will what He wants and what He doesnt want.
I'm a muslim. i truly believe that God has powers none could mimic or possess. i truly believe that if He wills it, no one could stop Him.
Now I wonder has he heard my prayers? i prayed every day hoping that Linus* could be with me through God's blessings. but this isn't happening and i still haven't got over it. Do i really have to resign to what He has already planned? if He had better plans for me, did He also plan that i had to take on such burden of hearing those sad parting words from Linus*?
Since 18 Jan 06, i had been going round and round circles, thinking whether am i wrong not to accept what God has willed? sometimes i really dont feel like accepting. is this sinful?
i hear a voice shouting within: "I dun wanna accept God's will. i dun wanna accept that He has taken him away from me."
i simply cant get myself out from this black pit hole.
Saturday, January 07, 2006
Resolute or resolve?
Courtesy from Webster's New World Pocket Dictionary:
Resolute: firm, determined. resolutely.
Resolve: 1.decide 2. solve 3. to change.
Thanks for the contributions, LadyLee and Spongebib. Now its my turn. the reason for me introducing the meanings of the abovementioned words has a significant purpose in determining how determined i am to understand how resolutions work.
Does resolutions come from the word resolute? i ponder....
if that's the case, i would live to say that i would only resolve to do the following:
1. not to be too sensitive when Linus* reacts to me indifferently.
2. stop myself from asking too many emotional questions fearing that he will give me the cold shoulder again.
3. to be a better friend/pal/buddy for Linus* to rely on (if my wish of being his girlfriend fails)
And, i would resolutely say that;
1. i want to be a better muslim, adhering to the 'way of life' as close as i can.
2. to earn opportunities for myself to gain more islamic knowledge.
3. to encourage my mentor to join in for classes so that i could get additional assistance and motivational support in my search of the truth in islam.
4. improving relations at home and with the people around me through the knowledge i gain from islam.
God wills. as Muslims called it, Insya Allah.
Resolute: firm, determined. resolutely.
Resolve: 1.decide 2. solve 3. to change.
Thanks for the contributions, LadyLee and Spongebib. Now its my turn. the reason for me introducing the meanings of the abovementioned words has a significant purpose in determining how determined i am to understand how resolutions work.
Does resolutions come from the word resolute? i ponder....
if that's the case, i would live to say that i would only resolve to do the following:
1. not to be too sensitive when Linus* reacts to me indifferently.
2. stop myself from asking too many emotional questions fearing that he will give me the cold shoulder again.
3. to be a better friend/pal/buddy for Linus* to rely on (if my wish of being his girlfriend fails)
And, i would resolutely say that;
1. i want to be a better muslim, adhering to the 'way of life' as close as i can.
2. to earn opportunities for myself to gain more islamic knowledge.
3. to encourage my mentor to join in for classes so that i could get additional assistance and motivational support in my search of the truth in islam.
4. improving relations at home and with the people around me through the knowledge i gain from islam.
God wills. as Muslims called it, Insya Allah.
Wednesday, January 04, 2006
what's in for 2006?
Guys and Gals,
We've entered 3 days into 2006? Betcha you have already come up with a thousand and one resolutions for the new year yeah?
Care to share?
I'm still thinking about it though... perhaps meanwhile someone could take a shot at it?
A start of a new year also mean that i gotta say some thanks to certain people around me that brought me this far... still going through...
anyone wanna start the ball rolling??
We've entered 3 days into 2006? Betcha you have already come up with a thousand and one resolutions for the new year yeah?
Care to share?
I'm still thinking about it though... perhaps meanwhile someone could take a shot at it?
A start of a new year also mean that i gotta say some thanks to certain people around me that brought me this far... still going through...
anyone wanna start the ball rolling??
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