Inspirational feeds for the heart

In the wee hours of a Thursday, i struggled with much difficulties to get my eyes open because there's LIVE TELECAST of Liverpool against Chelsea for the UEFA Champions League title. 2.35 hours. the previous night, i set 3 alarm clocks. in the end, i failed to hear a single one of them till about 3am, i received a call from Linus informing me of the match. after he hung up, i sat up, walked around in my bedroom, moved my limbs so that i could enjoy the game. but strangely, after every movement, i'm back on my bed.

watched for about 35minutes of play, this time the performance was slightly better than the rest of the games they played (i think la). anyway, you can read the full report here. i might not do a good job. so you guys just self service la hor. no goals were scored in the first half. PHeeww... i struggled again, to keep awake. then after, the match has started. again, i was struggling to keep my eyes open. when time was up, it was a goalless match. Thank God. but i had a problem. the match ended at 4.35hours. and i need to wake up at abt 5.35 am. omgosh! hack it i thought. go to bed la. haha. true enough i opened up my eyes at abt 6.15am. Late! Late! Late! sharks! ! ! I should have not slept and go for a breakfast with Linus before we head for work. but greediness to sleep distorted my much-awaited macdonalds' breakfast.

i began to fell sleepy during the middle part of the noon. lucky for the journey, i tried to recover some rest on the bus because i need to. my die-hard habit. and because Thursdays are tasfir lessons for me, i need rest in order to be attentive. so we learn in class about the meanings and interpretations of the Holy Book. and the teacher would quote examples of how we can inculcate God's simple teachings into our daily lives. the dosage that the ustaz gave is always the right amount to 'bring you back to the shore', to make you realise the many things you have done, could have been done better etc. and it would be open to discussions the real life examples we will quote to get a better understanding in improving the situations we are in.

Ustaz quoted this particular chapter titled: LIGHT 24:12~17
" when you heard it, why did the faithful, men and women, not think well of their own people,and say:'this is an evident falsehood'? Why did they not produce four witnesses? If they could not produce any witnesses, then they were surely lying in the sight of God.

But for God's grace and mercy towards you in this life and in the life to come, you would have been sternly punished for what you did. You carried with your tongues and uttered with your mouths what you did not know. you may have thought it a trifle, but in the sight of God it was a grave offence.

When you heard it, why did you not say: 'it is not right for us to speak of this.God forbid! this is a monstrous slander?' God bids you never to repeat the like, if you are true believers. God makes plain to you His revelations. God is all-knowing and wise."

Basically, it is to tell us to guard our hearts, minds, tongues and mouth. to be wary of backbiting,slandering,or gossiping about other's shortcomings. we should reflect upon ourselves to not distort or even spread bad words if unless proven otherwise that we have brought forth the truth about other people.

perhaps, everyone would have their personal view about this. feel free to comment if necc. i hope through little excerpts i quoted from the Book, you would be able to comprehend and not misinterpret islam as something very bad...

would it be over soon?

Everytime i face problems at work, i dont know why but i would prefer to go to my 'ex-huney', which is Linus* of course to vent, complain or to find solace. that's because he used to care more about me before the saga began. probably the difference between then and now, might be the lesser gifts he received, so would the attention and concern be reduced as well. but since he's gone, i would probably put up a notice like this to find him back.

so before he responds to the ad, (praying for miracles)i would probably hold my tongue about the misfortunates that i've once again landed myself in during the course of my work. i thought i could free myself from the clutches of my marketing manager since i've changed my scope of work recently but due to her jealously or selfishness whatever you wanna call it, she reprimanded me for silly things. things which were of no significance. but because its coming from her, and additionaly with the scarring of my previous BAD experiences with her, i had an emotional outburst because i just could take it lying down that she would take her chance at me for every stoopid little detail she can think of to get back at me.

it might sound so silly of me to resign just because of the incident. but even though i do not have to report to her anymore as of 19.9.2005, i am still getting the shi** daylight out from her! i should have snapped at the very first job offer i was given. but now,i've got to work much harder. even if it meant sending 50 resumes per 30minutes. 1 hour = 100 resumes. 8 hours = 800resumes x 5days per week = 4000 resumes. i will still need to do it.

i think it would be more silly to stick my face around and think that money could be traded with happiness. i don't wanna become aperson who has been afflicted with so much fear that i've become a gal who became so fearful and so low in confidence about myself and the things around me. i still remember there was an occassion. i was in the toilet. there were 3 cubicles. one was 'rosak' so left with two. lunchtime was usually crowded. i was almost done when i heard that high pitch voice of hers. i was contemplating to exit because she was passing comments outside:
Monster manager:"aiyo, why so long? lao sai ah? aiyo, fainted ah?"
someone else then asked; " when are they going to repair the toilet?"
Manager replied:" no spare parts la. aiyo, why still havent come out?" stuck ah? anybody knows who's inside?"
She complains like this with more rude remarks for like 7minutes. would you come out if you were me? maybe u would. but i wouldnt. because i know i'm gonna get more than just shi**y h** if i were to exit. i had to wait till the 'coast is clear'. i was in such a sorrow state. that i had to hide in the toilet like this.

okay,i need some sleep. almost 3am liao. i'm gonna turn out to be a big Panda bear tomorrow.
good nitez...

busy... busy... busy...

Did you noticed that my posts were all back-dated? if you had visited my blog for the past few days, you might not have seen any updates since 20 Sept. but tah-dah, when you come back on 24 Sept, "eh! how come i din see this one on 22 Sept?" no cause for alarm though. that's because i was EXTREMELY BUSY for the past few days. SO BUSY that i simply do not even spare 20minutes of my lunch to blog. and as i've mentioned before the PC at work really suxs. big time. pointless to blog using that PC. cant do much.

and usually, besides setting aside the time for prayers, i am left with nothing of the 45minutes given to get a proper lunch. oh please dont assume that i need so much time for prayers people. but i felt more comfortable praying among my fellow sisters at the mosque then to pray at this area where it's a little eerie, dirty and abandoned. so henceforth, i need time to travel to and fro the mosque. and transport needs money too. so if i travel to the mosque most of the times, either i skip lunch or i munch biscuits. and i realise that biscuits can cause constipation if water consumption is low. haha.

and also, as of 19.9.2005, i had a new staff to coach because she's taking over my duties. and as i've mentioned earlier too, i'm taking over somebody's else duties. suddenly i felt that i became the busiest personnel in the company. running to and fro my desk to hers. handling the cases which had been pending since my time. mentoring her at the same time. and then to cope with the new job responsibilities i'm entrusted with now. arrrgghhh... i hope my boss understands if i am not able to hand or complete any job on time but i'm doin' my best. really.

so recently, i didnt want the new mentee to think that i've isolated her during lunch, i accompanied her and had no choice but to pray within the time i was left with after our meals. and because i havent told her that i was a muslim and i need to go to the mosque, she wanted to follow me too. omigosh! i told her i would accompany her for lunch the next day. and so i brought her with me when i lunched with other colleagues the next day. and the following day, my other colleagues told me not to bring her along..... hmmm... well, we'll see how it goes from here. meanwhile, back to mentoring again...

repentance

That was the key word i picked up from my lesson on Tuesday.and that was also my last lesson of the second module.

REPENTANCE.derived as being aware of the mistakes you have committed and seek forgiveness from God. and that you would not repeat the same old mistake again.

In Islam,we are taught not to transgress the prohibitions laid down by God.simple things such as gossiping,slandering or backbiting about another person behind his/her back without their knowledge is considered bad. and this is totally discouraged. because Islam doesn't just emphasize on the 5 compulsory acts (pillars of Islam)required by any muslim, banking on building good virtues, nurturing good actions and thoughts towards fellow muslims and non-muslims as well. unlike what my mum says about islam, that muslims are so rigid la, they build a wall among themselves by restraining themselves etc etc... well, all i can say to her is that you cant judge a book by its cover. understanding the basis of the teachings first before you make baseless assumptions about it. many things can't be measured or judged by its surface. i wont be saying that i'm a good practising muslim but nevertheless, as vicegerent on earth, i'm making use of every moment here useful by applying what i learn in islam to my daily routine. may God grant me wisdom to do so...

so henceforth, i was repentful with the previous post that i wrote about my colleague. and had even given her names. of course, the treatment she had given me was uncalled for. and i really dont like it. and i dont know what to do with the attitude she displayed towards me. but after my class on tuesday, it made me realised that no matter how bad she treats me, i should never ever reciprocate the bad feelings she have towards me and return the same to her. i should not entertain the notion of the latter part of this phrase :'good begets good and bad begets bad.' and therefore, i sincerely repent that i would never write or think anything bad about her. it's true some might tell me, 'but angel, what's the point of being good and nice, and everyone still treats you like shit? aren't you doing something like 'finding a needle in a heap of hay?' well, perhaps i hope that one day (to the will of God) her heart will be melted by my kind hearted gestures i offer at work. and because i want to set a good example that muslims behave amicably and not 'foolishly declaring JIHAD (misconcepted word) in the name of Islam.' muslims behave intelligently by learning to live in harmony regardless of the different races and religions amongst all of us.

though she might not know that i have said bad things about her and thereafter i had sincerely repented, i guess only i know myself if i can perservere and strive to cross this hurdle at work. and remember this people:

Change and reform can only comes from within.

slow but steady but *tak shiok*

that's the performance of my PC at my new desk. used previously by the ex male operations staff i am taking over with IMMEDIATE effect from 19.9.2005. sigghhh... i don't get to shift my computer from my old desk, neither do i get to shift the keyboard or the screen protector. and mind you, though it's a Pentium III, but the operating system as well as the IE, its so backdated. never mind if its windows 98 but because the IE runs on version 5, my blogger webpage doesnt come in the true complete package because the screen 'shrunk'. and the 'edit post' page wasnt loaded with icons that enable me to upload images. this is so saddening. i can't blog as how often if it meant sacrificing my beauty sleep.

so here i am. 0230hours. sitting right infront of my home PC. trying to update my blogs and risking losing my freshly written post on the internet using the old conventional method of a 'dial up modem'. slow, sometimes steady but yet risky also. many times i kena, i type and type. the juice of thoughts keep flowing and i keep typing. suddenly, the system decides to 'phunk' on me. or if not, the internet would just disconnect itself. and if it happens simultaneosly, whahaha... best of luck then. start all over again.

that's it folks. i need to sleep now. or risk falling asleep in the bus, office or in my class. probably i'll get myself to sit next to my classmate so that he can pinch me when he sees me dozing off. bwahahaha... or perhaps, do a 'coffee drip' instead of a glucose drip.

Let the coffee runs in my blood stream for a day or two. then you will probably see a HYPERACTIVE gal jumping and hopping and laughing till the coffee runs dry.

to resent or to regret?

I've decided to stay put in my current job. after much contemplation, i'm still back to this black and lonesome pit.

Why black? because this clique of colleagues in the same subsidiary as i am, shows me the black face 5/7 (5times per week). as though i owed them a hundred millions bucks(SGD $1,00000000). and the way they carry their speech towards me truly reflects 'discrimination'. and one colleague in particular talks to me as though she comes from a black gangster triad. her motto: Rudeness is my middle name. if not for the numerous classes i went through, i might have confronted her long long time ago, wanting to find out 'WTHack' is this attitude towards me all about. she needs anger management classes much much more than i need. period. and since i couldnt improve the situation and i didnt want to suffer from high blood hypertension by working under 'the same roof' as her. so obviously and honestly speaking, she and the hostile environment was the contributing factors to my hastiness in submitting my resignation letter to my boss. sometimes i would like to 'psycho' myself that if i were to overcome this big challenge, perhaps i would come out as a winner. but no la, i don't want to waste my time here anymore as i believe that i can deliver better results elsewhere. in a more conducive environment.

and why lonesome? because, there is hardly anyone that you can form a clique like them to make your live less lonely at work. but this excuse is lame la. you go to work to earn a living, not to make friends and make noise in the office what..

and actually,before i submit my resignation, i was offered another position but this also mean that i will continue to work under the same boss, in the same company and with that 'mobster' around. i rejected it almost immediately. no hesitation. but rumours landed into my operations manager's ears and he 'sabo-ed' me to my GM that i was leaving WITHOUT a JOB. i was henceforth, persuaded to stay on because of their appreciation of my contributions these 2years++ and also unfortunately, by the cold hard fact, that i still haven't got a job offer yet. so in the end, i'm still gonna bum around for at least another month or so.

resentment?or regretful of my decision? whatever it is, i'll try my very best. not just in my new position but my very best in finding myself another job. Sorry boss. can't blame me.

Lessons in life not taught in school

There are many valuable lessons that you learned in life when it comes to dealing with your setbacks, disappointments or the dreaded feeling after a relationship fails.textbooks doesnt cover them, teachers don't include them and the school doesnt talk about it during your assembly. maybe most of us would only experience this when we have stepped out from school,out into the 'real working world'.

the strangest thing about learning through lessons is when you have felt somewhat painful, hurtful through the experience that you realised; 'Oh yeah, this shall be a lesson for me. i would always remember this experience and learn from it.' and you swear by it, never to repeat that mistake again. then the sorrows, tears and emotions accompanying you throughout the lesson make you think again; 'Why me?? and not someone else?' at this point of time, we find ways to release our pent up frustrations, our sorrow, our emotions. we find means to make us feel better. one of the natural way is either you hate the person for letting you go through this torture or you thank the person for letting you learn some lessons as a living being and becoming a better person the next time. this process is inevitable. we are only human so we experience all kinds of feelings. hatred or love, you decide.

and then, ultimately you change. now, how you change it depends on your perception of things. for good or for worse, it is your call too. no one can ever be a busybody to decide how you shall change. you either let your head control your heart, or let your heart control your head. which many scholars say the latter option would be the better choice.

we need to perceive that change is good and it is part and parcel of our life.and change will only be beneficial if only it improves your mentality of perception towards life, and the course of your actions that best reflects your attitude in life too.... i think most importantly is to take charge of your priorities in life.and to maintain a positive mindset towards the things that had already happened. And whatever that you do, always remember that our freedom of choice given in this life is accompanied by the price of accountability through your actions.

i'm not a big philosopher. but just sharing some thoughts as i change my perception into a different phase in life. my decision to divert my faith has led people to think that i've embraced a religion deemed to be the most commonly misinterpreted 'extremist religion or a religion deemed as the compulsory process for a non-malay girl/boy to be married to a malay girl/boy. this would definitely need to be clarified but it would take time. nevertheless, how hard it would be but i'll do my lil' part in promoting the correct message of Islam. (with the will of God). this could probably take away readership on this blog but hopefully the curious ones will be here to stay...

BECAUSE, i've reached my 1,000 mark! whahaha... thanks to the faithful readers out there. You know who you are. *grin* (if you are not on the 'favourites link list', get a blog and i'll link you)

surprises from Linus*

Tick-tock tick-tock. the time on my watch ticking away slowly after my lunch. there were a couple of things needed attention but i was confident that i could finish it before the deadline hits me. so i simply surf my time away,reading people's blogs,gaining inspiration and thoughts..

every tuesday are as usual,i am supposed to attend my tawhid lesson.translated called 'concept of Oneness of God'. and i am always anticipating (not complaining) that my study companion would be around. anyway, Linus* was willing to have dinner with me. *grin*^_^

because i was wearing a new blouse to work. it was a tailor made blouse. it cost me $49 and it was one of my favourite colour, white. so i was telling Linus that this blouse's cutting was kinda of too loose fitting though it was tailor made according to my S size. and you know what he says?Linus* said: 'But it still looked NICE on YOU what?' woww... in my heart, i was thinking. am i dreaming or not? He complimented me leh, for the two years i've known him. this is the FIRST TIME i hear compliments about my clothing from him. but i kept it to myself but right now, i'm blogging it out. haha.

so with the dinner companionship and the compliment, i dived upwards. skyhigh. on cloud nine. *still grinning* ^_^ that's the little things that get you going. makes me happy even though i might sound silly actually... and this coupon on the right certifies that i had dinner with him on this day and at this time... more silly right?

Blogging:a new phase of perception

When i first started blogging, the trend of owning one has already began to grow a long long time ago.mrbrown and mrMiyagi were the pioneers of the pioneers. Blogging have since taken off to a new direction. to a whole new era of bloggers who can write very well and have even won awards for Best Blogger 2005 etc... i wont say they are the best among the millions on the internet but locally speaking, their popularity have gained enormously. and i feel that when people tend to get famous, some might tend to be boastful and start writing sh**** stuff on their blogs. but amazingly, the two common folks on this red dot island own blogs which displayed their musings on political and controversial issues have always been tackled witfully with a pinch of humour in it, not traumatising any other race or religion. i think that should be the ettiquette.

about this recent hoo-haa of bloggers charged over racist remarks in their blogs. yeah no doubt, the internet has vast millions of space for freedom of speech, you can't deny the fact that the internet is also a powerful tool for millions of people to defame or insult someone else with just a mere click of the mouse. but in the first place, have they ever asked themselves why are they doing this? is it a mere clash of wrath incurred with exceptions that it's only your personal perception of 'one tree that kills the whole forest thingy'? or an act that you carried out foolishly and impulsively without even considering the consequences of your actions? by giving them the benefit of the doubt, in my personal view la, since the blog had been removed, that it could be the first or probably both. (for the sake of my 'foreigners bloggers' across the causeway , here's a rundown of articles and comments relating to this issue of Two bloggers charged under sedition act over racist remarks and another featured blogger post and the comments made.

so here's the moral of the story(subjective): we are all adults already. and we should write responsibly. act responsibly. perhaps singaporeans might need to try and practise our tolearance level before we really become a nation of 'anti-chinese' or 'anti-malays'. it would be a laughing stock for others. and it takes two to tango. always. in any kind of circumstances. ever wonder if this issue is only taken lightly with slaps of fine or warnings or maybe none at all, the malays who own personal blogs might also start defaming the chineses as well. we are a nation made up of many races with an assortment of colours. why let your personal conflict of interests or experiences make you be branded as a 'racist'? this news would definitely be a wake up call to many bloggers out there, specially those who are backlashing your fellow mates of a 'different religion or race'. i think if you really do need to vent out your anger, such sensitive issues might probably be better in a place called your 'personal diary' and not the weblog. if that two bloggers want limelight to be taken away from mr brown or mr miyagi, maybe they can consider the upcoming my star idol or the super host on channel U. no, i dont wish to get any limelight whatsoever.

it's an expensive lesson isn't it? and painful as well as it hurts your pockets. deep. real deep.

the dreaded capital 'C'

Okay guys and gals... i know this is too teeny weeny small to read the article is all about and nope,i'm not asking you to spoil your eyesight. but focus on the title of the article: 5 reasons he wont Commit YET. this article would mostly be applicable to guys only as i think i have yet come across any gals who are afraid of committment. well i think there might be some ladies out there, still looking around and not wanting to commit unless 'He' is the one for her. i wont talk about those gals. i will talk about myself since this is my blog.

oh yes,i used to be falling head over heals in love with Linus*. i had this hunch that 'He' is the one that i wanna spend the rest of my life with. i thought i would be the one for him too. though i never heard a second time(just one time only but i'm not sure if was it my hallucination or not) that i was his 'gf' or was ever introduced to anyone that i was his 'gf'. so if calling 'huney' was one of a tell tale sign that i was his 'gf', then i would have something to worry now. because the 'huney' phenomenon has become HISTORY. so since its history then i wont dig up the past anymore. i'm looking forward into the future:

1. a standby group of 'options' as what my good sister has recommended should there be no hopes coming from Linus*.

2. a miracle that Linus* would still be the same old huney i first met. which is why i call it a miracle, and since only God can perform miracles. (;

and so back to the article. to summarise, it was saying that guys are actually thinking :

1)that if they were to commit, they would be doomed. yeah, doom because they think that it would close all doors from other 'openings or invitations'.

2) guys have aplenty of time at the back of their hands to wait and wait, then the cleverest thing is also to make you wait, not knowing that your 'system' doesnt wait for you.

3) guys want the best for you, so he's still saving for the big day. if they cant deliver what you wished for, they would rather save more. just in case.

4) they were terribly 'burnt and hurt' before. so their healing process takes longer than women, which explains why they would still want to wait for a little while.

5) they are not sure if you are the one and yet they are so shy to tell you in the face because they can't bear to hurt you. so time drags again. and the editor said that afterall, the guy was really a coward.

hmmm... what say you? any guys unhappy with what the article says?

And i stumbled upon these few quotes from the internet. amazingly, they were from the questions and answers page of this website :

a.True love is never afraid of venturing into a committment.

b.Love without loyalty is merely infatuation, if not flirtation.

c.Love transcends all boundaries.

I am now convinced that i have fulfilled all the above:

i. im not worried of committments so of course my love for him* is true.

ii. since i'm committed, of course there's loyalty. (cannot apply multi-tasking here,because in relationships, its a theology of 'one-at-a-time')

iii. i've crossed so many boundaries. even without the help of his moral support but only from God.

so after going through the quotes, do you think you have what it takes to be a good partner to your other half? this blogger has lots to say. view his article if you have the time.

and do share if you have thoughts especially JoeBloggs or probably nawooz...

the trial of blueskies's mentor

Chief Justice Chew had been called back from his retirement to be the judge in court for this trial of 'blueskies's mentor' because several appeals had been made to the High Court.finally it was approved. Hearing was adjourned due to some unforeseen circumstances. there was a queue formed outside the room. everyone was impatiently waiting for the hearing to start. mostly were made up of women.reporters from Channel m and Channel t and channelnonews were also present outside.

"Court rise" someone shouted. everyone stands up. "Hearing begins".

The plaintiff being 'blueskies' was being summoned to the deck. after taking the oath, she was told by her lawyer to describe whatever that has happened for the past 6 months. she started crying when she mentioned about her conversion and all that had happened to the two male witnesses of her conversion. she said:

"nobody has the time to care or be concerned about my development as a newcomer to the religion.my friends had left me.i was misunderstood.and i had no attention.worst still,my mentor had no time for me."

the lawyer asked for the judge's permission to summon the witness and the accused.

Mr Mutton chop:" not my fault la. i was just being asked upon as a favour to sit in because my friend asked me to. i dont know who she is. Not my fault, not my fault. why you never ask my friend to come also?"

CJ Chew interrupted and said: "but since you made that promise to sit in as her witness then you should do your part as a witness. that's the responsibility of the witnesses." at this point, the lawyer then summons the second accused. Blueskies's mentor appeared in a timberland tee, timberland pants and his Rockport shoes. eh, no. its the 'made in uk' timberland shoes. and he appeared solemn.

CJ Chew told the lawyer to proceed with his questionings. the lawyer asked him to explain his absence from the classes that blueskies were attending. and despite the appeals she made, there was no attendance from him.

Blueskies mentor:"I did attend the beginners' course halfway through i was sent away on a company assignment."

Lawyer asked:" what about the subsequent courses? Didn't she asked you along too?Didnt she tell you that it would be easier for her to ask questions if you, an important mentor in her journey, failed to encourage or the least be concerned about the curriculum of her development in the religion? what have you got to say about this?"

Blueskies's mentor: "but my life dont just revolve around one student. i got loads of them and some are my girlfriends.(pointing to the big group of women sitting behind him with timberland tees too) and i've got my own family committments too."

Lawyer asked: "but you had made that committment to volunteer as her witness, then you must be able to fulfill your duties as a guardian or mentor to her too. even if you have to juggle many girlfriends at the same time.did she demand lots of time from you? was she unreasonable ?"

Blueskies's mentor: "Not really. but eerrm errmm..."

Lawyer: "Eeerrmm what eerrmm?? *tehh* times up." Judge, he did not fulfill his duties as a mentor to the poorly, unattended newcomer to the religion. he left her in the lurch to attend classes on her own and did nothing motivational in her path of learning. People in the court, how can you bear to see such an interesting and eager to learn person struggling on her own? i have enough of this liao. hey CJ,can you pass sentence now?

(there was hurling and swearing in the courtroom.) "Silence. dong. dong. dong. (sounds like the bell) the hammer was hit 3times by the judge.

CJ Chew: "no need for the jury. I shall now announce that this what funny name,Blueskies's mentor be sentenced to
1) 24/7 availability for any kind of questions relating to religion.

2) automatic registration and attendance is compulsory for all the courses she had signed for.

3) payment of all the course fees, but of course.

4) to upgrade your skills and knowledge so that your mentee can come to you for any kind of questions. no such thing as 'i don't know' or 'but i can check for you asap.'

5) to subsidise for the books she has bought because you are to read them too.

With this sentence, no appeals would be entertained in the near future. and hey you,blueskies, stop irritating us or face stricter fines from the government.

after the trial has passed, the mentor was sobbing and hugging his wailing girlfriends at the dock.

at one corner, Blueskies was smiling cunningly*evilish grin*.

*Legend:words in colours are depicting the main characters of this trial*
*Disclaimer: the above enactment is purely for entertainment purposes. names of the characters are fictitious. should they clash with the living or dead are purely coincidental.*

Reflections #2

Prophet Muhammad (s.a.w) had this advice:

"Virtue will never disappear and sins are never forgotten and the Glorious One who cherishes us all never wanes. So do what you will.... but rest assured that you will be held accountable for all your deeds."

Your Lord, whose love and care has sustained you since you were a drop of 'mingled water' is immensely kind and gracious to those who believe and put their trust in Him. If you are sincerely trying to avoid sin, He'll replace the blunders you make with the good deeds that are part of a Muslim's everyday life.He understands all our imperfections and failings, and what He, in His unfathomable mercy, requires of us is not perfection but sincerity. For He knows. and He cares. Let each mistake be a lesson, and a reason to move ahead with greater fervour. For this is what Taubah means: returning.

Even if a true believer commits a serious sin incidentally, he should remember that the doors of repentance and atonement are always open. and i saw this from the hadith that says, the gates of paradise are open on Mondays and Thursdays. Here's another verse from the Book:

"Those who avoid great sins and shameful deeds, only (falling into) small faults,- verily thy Lord is ample in forgiveness. He knows you well when He brings you out of the earth, And when ye are hidden in your mothers' wombs. Therefore justify not yourselves: He knows best who it is that guards against evil." (53:32)

Reflections #1

Contemplating God's creation from the beginning until the day of Judgement can lead one to the knowledge that the globe and all it contains represent but an insignificant atom in the infinite domain of God. this realisation should draw one's attention to the greatness of Allah (swt) and the minuteness of human beings compared to the creator for those who choose to contemplate. in most cases, this should result in the reaffirmation of one's faith through the appreciation of God's creation, thereby qualifying the process of contemplation itself as an act of worship.

contemplation as a form of worship can also be a double edge sword in that one should be careful not to go overboard by contemplating the unimaginable essence of God, which constitues a grievous sin. Said the Prophet (s.a.w); "Reflect on the signs of God and do not reflect on His essence, for you will never be able to give Him his due."

A man who reflects at length to know God, and has had unveiled to him even the minutest portion of the secrets of His kingdom, will find in his heart such joy and unveiling that he will almost fly, and he will be amazed at his own steadfastness and firmness.

Gadget Addictions

Currently, i'm holding onto this phone X70. I remembered when it first came out, it cost more than$400. everyone at my part-time job was going ga-ga over this phone. it has a external led and if you set them according to your caller list grouping, it will light up to an array of rainbow colours and can show the picture of the person that was calling because it has a camera attached to the phone as well. very very nice... and because it's a compact flip phone, it slips out of your hand if you are not careful, and that happened to me many many times. drop on carpet, no scratches. but once it hit the cement floor. die la. but though i dropped it on the floor for many times, the phone still work quite well. except for the 'imitation' battery that i bought. it died on me for less than 6months.not because i cant afford the original but the stock has run out in most of the shops. hmm... so its time to upgrade my phone before it decides to 'die on me'. below are a few of my choices: any comments or suggestions?
a black Nokia6230. mysterious. just like me. many functions like radio, bluetooth, new games,downloadable themes, many more...

a new kid on the block. a flip phone too but a little bulky. buttons are big too. for the cork-eyed.(always sending to the wrong people like me).prices have dropped quite a bit since its launch. maybe i'll wait till it drop till $0/= haha...
i held this for about 2 weeks. much much MORE functions. has an organiser, bigger memory for your contacts,internet & email on the go, MP3 player, games, synchronization with your PC etc. but then again, i'm not that busy. i dont have so many appointments to store. so the pda's functions go a little wasted in my hands. so i sold this off.

so i better think of the more 'down-to-earth' phones. can call. can take pictures. sms-friendly phones. if there's a phone that has a BIG umbrella around the screen, whereby it can shield off staring eyes, maybe i'll introduce to Linus*. i noticed that when he sms-ed people if he's next to me, he will tilt his phone. like so afraid i will peek at him. actions like these make people more suspicious. haha... jko!

P.M.S

Pre Menstrual Syndrome. happens when its 'nearing' that time of the month. some called it the 'bloody mary' month. others termed it the 'pre-ovulation' month while Sammi Cheng actually called it 'AV'. stands for auntie visit.

If you are a husband to your wife, by now you would understands her emos already. If you are a boyfriend to your girlfriend, if she gets angry with you over something insignificant or being simply unreasonable, for sure that 'time of the month' has arrived. this is the TIME when we are feeling a little more sensitive and emotional about every minutest thing. even my mum is not spared. she has not entered menopause so she's extremely fierce when it's nearing... haha. lucky she doesnt surf my blog.

and recently, everything seemed to be moving in the wrong direction. i just longed for someone close by my heart to be concerned, to be asking about my journey on this straight path. longed for support. sometimes i found myself asking; "would i fare better if the reason of conversion was because of a partner or would i be worse than now?" and sometimes i cant help but envied those couples in my class. but being envious of someone else is not a good thing from a religious perspective because it would stir the 'satan' in you. we need to create more goodness than stirring up the 'satanic' desires. i knew there's only one thing that could help me. because i didnt quite get better after my '2nd call'. because the moment i reached the office, i became low-spirited, sad, teary, emotional and all my problems started flooding back again. off-peak PMS = no peer support, never mind. peak of PMS = why am i all alone? that's the cycle. i need to spin myself out of that. but i know i cant because i really felt lost at times but just never showed it. and suddenly, my heart yearns for the hugs i used to get from Linus*. but since it's impossible now, no point dwelling on the impossibilities.

but still, i spend 20mins on it before i focused my attention on trying to 'revive' myself. so i click and surf the links onmy sidebar and saw this verse that best suits anyone at any time of the day, month, year... here's how it goes:

If you do not deceive your Lord and turn back to Him, you’ll find Him welcoming you with open arms. In this is indeed a reason to rejoice. So, never lose hope and never stop trying. ‘The Lord is your shepherd. You shall not want. He shall make you lie down in green pastures: He shall lead you beside the still waters. He shall restore your soul: He shall lead you in the path of righteousness for His name’s sake. Though you walk through the valley of the shadow of death, fear not; for you are with Him. His rod and His staff shall comfort you.’

So hasten people.... return to Him.... (:

A guessing game

Show you guys a photo i've been relinquishing this few days...


You may ask:
a. Linus*?
b. me?
c. my baby?
d. my brother?
e. my mum when she's young?

Give me your answers, quick! If you guessed it correctly, there's a one night free stay @ my home sweet home abode.... anyone interested??

the odds & the bits and pieces

Today's blog topic is to plagiarize from myfavouriteblogger of his current 'hot' blog post called 'defining moments'. it was a homework sort of thing. each of his ardent fans are to drop comments about the moments in our life that had shaped the present us. but having lived for more than 20odd years, i find it quite hard to get the 'defining moments' out as probably some might be so painful that i've erased it from my memory. but anyway, pleased to share some here with you guys:

1) dad was diagnosed with nose cancer. whole family's appetite changed from meaty diets to herbivorous diets to accomodate him. everyone was feeling down. and seeing him grew skinner each day after his chemotherapy breaks my heart. promised myself to take care of him whenever he's sick. or at least be concerned.

2) first experience of 'sending' my paternal (deceased) grandfather off till his last breath. sob sob... spent most of my mum's & me time from the hospital to his comfort zone and next to his deathbed. never experienced such close contact with a dying person before. swore to cherish every single moment with my loved ones.

3) failed my science in my o'levels. wanted to study this special diploma in food and science technology in temasek poly. haha. couldnt believe that i was actually weak in science instead of maths. so i changed my interest to hotel management.

4) jumped onto the SHATEC bandwagon. the once popular school to learn about hospitality managment. sounds pretty cool right?was interviewed before i got selected to be enrolled. and i heard from my bro that my mum had kept the letter and changed her mind about letting me go there. threatened to leave home. but didnt bring out my belongings.

5) at the age of 19, stepped into the 'working world' at singapore changi airport. a gateway to the world. flew to at least 5 different countries each year. repeating two countries in two years over a period of 7 youthful years served. marvellous experience gained as a staff and as a tourist from all walks of life. all that made possible by the free ticket given by the company every year. matured faster than my classmates who spend their time in classrooms.

6) then when u think u have met the right person in your entire life, and is ready to commit yourself, you realised that the person is 'also ready' to accomodate another women in his life. worse than a bad hair's day. 100times more powerful than the wasabi nuts. never to trust men again. period.

7) then i met another guy(Linus*) through a 'special kind of experience'. but after two years of spending our time together, he decide to end it off. took me lots of effort to pick myself up and made myself to believe that God would send someone better along. soon i hope. and i've almost used up all my plasters.

8) met my mentor (currently crowned the greatest and the nicest since i've not met anyone better). he has taught me lots of things.lessons in life,love etc.

9) and through my mentor, i got to know about the 'completed and perfected favoured religion' for mankind sent from God.went against all odds from family and friends to embrace islam because i trust what i believe. but i almost lost the shelter over my head. perservered and won my family over about accepting my decision. i guessed this has been the biggest turning point in my life because i had to adapt myself with so many changes in my lifestyle. more 'akan datang'.

10) still continuing my journey and had daringly shared my pre and post conversion problems, trials and tribulations at this blog and extending my wings here.

well, i guess that's it for now. thanks to Nawooz & mistyeiz who have offered your more than rm0.02 worth of advice, and providing the best support in my blog.

hope it didnt bore you guys. yawnz.....

I just spit out an Elephant (finally)

I had long prepared my resignation letter, waiting for the right time to hand it in to my manager. hesitated and made so many changes to the effective date because of certain factors that were holding me back in this pithole.

i was on the verge of handing out my letter the moment i received my FIRST. the One and Only job offer for these 2 years that i've tried(not quite first one, cos timing wasn't right i rejected two offers). when i finally got one, the very first person that i very much wanted to share the good news was my mentor. finally, when i had the opportunity to tell him, he didnt sound happy for me. weird i thought. i remembered he said that the organization was okay but later he revealed that it was best that i should avoid the entertainment line. but i thought otherwise, so long the organization have no qualms about me wearing my 'preferred attire', i should give it a shot. well, i guessed its not meant to be afterall. i was really disappointed. because i still don't get to leave this place. i am really unhappy here. no matter how much i tried to shift my perspective, things got from bad to worse. it didnt get very worse but just didnt get better. (sounds the same though)

so my mentor suggested that i should try the other organization that his friend worked in. thought that might be more conducive for me.less gossip. so he volunteered his assistance by getting the email address for me and when i was done with that, i told him that i wanted to hand in my resignation letter. he told me to be patient and i should wait for the other organization to respond first. and he even said that i would be rewarded for my patience. but i couldnt take it anymore. i can be patient but not with matters relating to leaving this place i no longer feel comfortable to be in.

i was pretty sad and low-spirited when i was told to hold back my letter. that was on a wednesday i think. then i began my sleepless nights since. when i thought i could hold back a little longer, a staff from the accounts department further exasperated me. that was two days later. i thought to myself: i do not want to face any nonsense from these people anymore. no matter how much patience i was tested, i felt that this was it. i had ENOUGH!! i spend so much time here, i do not want myself to get soaked in this kind of environment, spoiling my good and cheerful spirit and get nurtured into someone devilish.

i handed the letter to my manager and told him my decision first thing in the morning. first thing he asked: "unhappy here?" i wanted to say yes but i want to save the 'best for last'. probably during the exit interview. and when the letter was handed, i just felt like i've offloaded a heavy piece of boulder off from my shoulder. like as though something was stuck in my throat diaphragm and finally i spat it out! It was a total relief! but then again, i need to suffer another two months here because of the stupid eight weeks notice the company laid down in the contract. never mind, chang tong bu ru duan tong. 'short term pain better than long term pain' (that's the translation)

Okay, though i've done something despite your advice. but i do hope that you can try and understand what i've been through down here. you might not be able to understand what i went through because you are not in that position. i've tried all ways and means to find out but i was never given a second chance. so i'm not going to beg for a third chance anymore. like what amy says:" I dont need their friendship anyway, if they choose to behave like small kids."

and for the first time,i've kept my resignation away from my parents. sorry mum dad, i just dont want additional nagging.

a topic which not everyone likes...

Continued from the 'not-so-popular-blog subject'.... generally termed as religion...

As i was saying i need to say thanks to many many people. family,friends,relatives and of course not forgetting my mentor.

Please note this people. take it with a pinch of salt. content might not be suitable for all. not a 'one size fits all' thing. and the order of preference would be according to the level of utmost importance to me. you either read it from the bottom or take it right from the top. nevertheless, everyone plays an important part in this big big step i've taken.

My family: my mum, dad and brother. my parents initially of course was the biggest hurdle to cross because especially my mum. she took it the heaviest. because i feel that never in her life would she imagine that i would step into the world of Islam. and when they heard that i was taking up studies on that topic, they threatened to chase me out of the house if i were to convert one day without their consent. but thank God.i still have a shelter now over my head. my brother took it the lightest. no major reaction though but keep pressing me to tell him my blog address.at his age, nothing matters except fun fun fun. so religion to him,neh, not my cup of tea.no offence really.if you are seeing this.

MM(not minister mentor) but shortform for My Mentor: Together with God's will, he took the time to explain the details of Islam to me. he said because i wanted to know so that's why he shared. as the interest grows, he volunteered to bring me for my first orientation course, and then motivated me to go study the Beginner's course at Muslims' Converts Association of S'pore. and instead of spending time with his girlfriends, he sacrificed that and accompanied me to the class. isnt he so sweet? unfortunately, halfway through he had left s'pore on a job assignment. so i went there on my own. it was quite tough because the questions and doubts all had to be put on hold. and this happened for all the rest of the courses i attended. due to his busy schedule, he could no longer keep me company for the rest of the courses i registered. i've lost a study companion. everytime i go for my class, i saw most of my classmates were paired up with their malay bfs or gfs. at that time, i wished i had one too. (; and i always felt that it was so much easier to ask questions from my mentor if he were to be present in the class. anyway, i've been fine throughout the 3 courses that i've signed and attended on my own. Praise be to God. though my mentor might not be always available when i was really at my odds' end but nevertheless, i was really really glad that he had been around all this time. Thank you so much, MM.

My friends: some had been supportive but some had been receptive. and there was a particular good friend of mine whom i really cherished. i kinda lost that friendship through some misunderstandings. i wrote about her in my previous blog. no i didnt insult or defame her but just trying to emphasize the goodness about being a muslim. i might have hurt her unintentionally and she have ignored me since. i may have lost some friends but with God's grace, i gained double of what i have lost.

my cousins: only from the Ho family so far. i've went out with them twice for dinner. i wore my 'headscarf attire' but they didnt make me feel awkward and understood my position. i really need to thank them for their understanding. for accepting who i am and not what i become.

this journey has really changed my attitude and perception towards life. though i may not have been through this conversion long enough to talk big big philosophies in life to you but having gone through 6 months of enrichment lessons, the essence of being a good muslim is growing. and because Islam is deen, and deen is a way of life. a way of life is about incorporating the guidance given by God into your daily work and life. as one good blogger, ms misty puts in, there are bound to have groups of zealous extremists tarnishing the image of Islam. everywhere.

Anyway, thank you for dropping by and reading up to the very last sentence.

a surprise breakfast

Since the 'Desperate Housewives are over, now i'm hooked on this reality show from the US. this is the 3rd season i've watched. and it's really cool. the famous model, Tyra Bank. She's sexy, beautiful and have no airs. so she start hunting potentials by viewing the thousands videos sent in to her and shortlisting the hundreds to the hopefuls of about 50. when the show started, they eliminated to 20 for the 'reel show on the catwalk'. these are the beautiful women who dare to dream and pursue their biggest dreams on the walkway. from the show, you get to see very beautiful and sexy women in their early adulthood vying to remain to compete for the one and only spot for America's Next Top Model.

from the show, you see very confident, very proud, very boastful women, or women who quarrel over the minutest things and they pick up fights. from the so many episodes i've followed, i've come to this conclusion that women are created to be vain people. women by large, loved to be beautiful.and the very first factor to be considered beautiful is a good complexion. this will give you that extra boost to look, feel and be confident. because when you are beautiful, you are confident. but when you only have so-so looks, you don't have too much confidence because of the way you look. i categorised myself as mentioned earlier. like any other girl-next-door. big eyes, fair and freckled face and some scars arising from the occassional outbreaks on my face. visulize and you go hmmm....anyway, no one would be interested to look at 'plain jane'. but of course, i am still appreciative of the looks that had been created by God.

This morning, i had the sweetest surprise!!! as the title implies, i've got a surprised breakfast item from Linus* Isn't he sweet? i was touched by this little act. the sms came first. this was his exact words:

"I bought breakfast for you. Its in the pantry. white package."

I was really astounded. amazed. esctatic. you might think i'm nuts. just a breakfast only why get so excited about it, but well, these kind of moments don't come all the time. so perks like this do really brighten up my day so to speak.

but early this morning i had bought two fried eggs to go along with my white bread. so i had decided to keep the pastry till lunch. but shockingly, this was what i found out: (see the picture below to understand more) People who saw me taking the pixs thought i wanted to complain to Delifrance. no la i won't. although i am a singaporean, but i'm not a complaint queen. sadly, one of the endearing traits was to complain about everything PRACTICALLY.

Where is the fillings??Looked so empty.