Post Hari Raya celebrations

You would have noticed that this post is already late because i didn't had the time to edit my post...

As i wasnt able to make it for the eid prayers, i slept till late morning. but i didnt want to stay at home for too long because i wanted to go and experience the hari raya mood out there. so i prepared myself quickly and set out. only to realise that my ONE AND ONLY appointment for the day starts after 2pm. okay, and i was out since 12pm.

i took a bus to compass point. and when i reached there, it was barely 1pm. so i went to Macdonalds to pass time. since i was hungry as well, i bought an extra value meal to satisfy my hunger. i spent timeless efforts to eat as slowwwlyyy as possible... i was stared at many times, making me wonder whether has my fasting month has really ended? and it was also an odd scenario because it seemed that i was the only Muslim woman in the whole restaurant... while everyone is busy preparing for their eid celebrations at home.

my friend only came at about 5pm to meet me. during the time, i wandered around the mall aimlessly. haha.... i bought a new flavoured bottle of coca cola with added lime.. not so nice actually. maybe because not icy-cold enough, cant really taste the lime. when i reached my FIRST invitation, other converts' brothers were already there. instead of attacking the food, i attacked the 'raya biscuits' because this is the time where you can really find some cool biscuits... YummYy... stayed at my friend's place till 8pm because i had nowhere else to go. then they decided to visit another brother. i tagged along because i wanna join in the crowd and be part of this atmosphere. when we reached the other place, everybody started eating again. i joined in too although i wasnt that hungry because i saw sambal prawns, chicken and KETUPAT.... FavOuriTe #@$% i went home early and the rest continued with their night tour...

the 2nd day of hari raya, i went to the library in the morning. Yes, THE LIBRARY. strange right?? after staying there for about 2hours, my stomach growled and i left for parkway for lunch at BK. i wandered around the mall AGAIN.... when it was almost time, i took a bus to Bishan to meet an ex colleague. we chatted from 6.30pm to almost 9pm. it came as a surprise because this was our first and the last meeting as colleagues from our previous company. and we never had lunch together before!!! but we managed to talk alot.

that was how i spend the first 2 days of hari raya. it might not be as fantastic and jam packed as the muslims who spend it with their families but i'm looking forward to better hari raya celebrations in the future.

Hope you had enjoyed your Eid celebrations! (:

eve of Eid Mubarak

I was seriously anticipating the end of Ramadan and the arrival of Hari Raya Puasa. (this festival marks the celebration of successfully completed our fasting month, not the muslims' new year okay?)

The day before yesterday, there were some signs of AV*. i was frantically calling out to God to delay it but i guessed mother nature still decide to appear anyway. terribly disappointed. not only i had to pay back more when i skipped fasting, i couldnt go out to perform my much-awaited Eid-Adil-fitri prayers.

Aaarrrgggghhh.... i'm really feeling disappointed why did it have to be so accurate. and besides this mother nature thingy, there's another thing i'm feeling quite sad about.

i realised that since i can't go near any mosque to hide, i've NOWHERE ELSE TO GO on HARI RAYA PUASA. ssShhaarkss... while everyone will be with their families out on the streets with their matching 'baju kurung', i would be isolated.....

am i really gonna be ALONE tomorrow?

the LONELINESS TRICKLES INTO MY BRAIN SLOWLY....... EATING UP PARTS OF MY BRAIN.... DESTROYING MY HAPPY CELLS THAT RAMADAN IS OVER....

ALONE.... ONE PERSON.... LONELY.......

Is that how a convert without a partner has to go through the first year; the phase of loneliness?? hmm... i'll make the best out of my loneliness. (= okay, i'm gonna make my own plans now. before i go, here's wishing the non-muslim and muslim readers:

Happy Deepavali and Selamat Hari Raya Puasa Adil-fitri and Eid Mubarak to all!!!!!

to love or to be loved?

Does love really make you blind and oblivious to everything people think its bad and in your eyes, you only see good in your loved one and the bad stuff were insignificant? is that what you call 'Beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder'?

how far would you go to make your loved one happy?when you know that the fruit that he likes is hanging on a ten foot tree and you are only 5 foot tall and you would try ways and means to get it because that would make him happy. or that the person that you love can only treat you like a friend, and to make him happy, you had to pretend like there's only space for friendship.

to love or to be loved? i think every woman would desire to be loved. because when you are being loved, you are definitely being pampered by your man. and if your man loves you more than you love him, ahh... wouldn't that totally make you feeling so secure, knowing for sure only you occupies a space in his heart. what i mean is the treatment is just different. but if you happen to become the person chasing after someone you love, that's a totally different feel. you would feel terrible if the person doesnt reciprocate your feelings. you would feel despondent if that person doesnt answer your calls or messages. you will feel terribly lonely when you try to date that person and you get rejected. i have those kind of feelings before. i dont know about you,my fellow readers and bloggers. you need to be in the tick of action to understand what i write here.

i pursue what i love and who i want to love. and that is why the frequencies of 'to love' is higher than 'being loved'. the funny thing is when there are opportunities of getting myself 'to be loved', the chemistry just doesnt strike. so a chance is missed. but there are many prevailing advantages to pursuing who you want to love. and there are of course the down sides too.

my friends have ever told me that whoever that i love will be very fortunate. because i would treat my man like a king. pamper him like a king. shower him with tender loving care. and would only give the best of what i can provide. yeah, that's me. but pampering like that doesnt ensure that your man would faithfully stay by your side. can you keep men by your side with all of the above? would that be sufficient enough?

what's your take on LOVE, this very amazing blind potion?

a time for reflection

As the end of Ramadan is drawing near, i've had this intention to blog this out but have not done so. I remembered my mentor once posed this question to me: "How's this year's fasting compared to the last?"

I answered: "Better than last year". it was unlike me to give such short answers in my sms reply. probably because i chose to blog out my thoughts right here as i have more underlying the word, 'better'.

Last year, i was given the opportunity to hear about Islam. i was doing my studies in this faith for a considerable amount of time and i had this chance to meet Ramadan before my conversion. though it was not required of a non-muslim to perform the acts of fasting, i wanted to try it out anyway. to get a feel of it. to experience how fasting was prescribed for people before us for Abraham,Jesus, Noah etc etc...

i still remember my mentor reminding me to stop if my body could not take it and there would not be required to be so 'on the ball'. but thank God, i successfully fasted for the first day and the next and the next, but when my gastric strikes me, i had to give it up. 30 days were over in a blink, and i successfully completed my 'unofficial fasting month'.

but now, as a real muslim, the experience of fasting before and now is totally different. when i was a non muslim, fasting doesnt reap rewards. when you dont fast, you also dont earn bad points. and the act of fasting for a non muslim is only literally just fasting. of not inducing food or water into your openings purposely. but all this was not the only thing to avoid, there were more as i went deeper in studying this new faith...

when i became a muslim this year, this Ramadan became my first 'official fasting month'. Official year of reaping rewards from God. an authorised member to be liable for any kind of benefits. now fasting has got a totally new meaning in my dictionary. i realised that the act of fasting doesnt just require you to abstain yourself from food from sunrise to sunset, you have to restrain yourself from sex, vulgarilities, lustful gaze,gossiping and backbiting and many more other vices. you might think that oh so muslims only do good in this month yeah. BUT NO, we are told to refrain from those vices 365 days per year. (of course, sex is allowed when you are married) and of course there are also acts like giving charity and engaging yourself in the remembrance of Allah s.w.t are highly encouraged.

so this year, i was put on a test. a test of not just on the physical body of going without food from sunrise to sunset but a test on the spiritual level of my desires. so i can say that it's not only more difficult than the previous year but it's more challenging. You are more aware and conscious of your thoughts, acts and behaviour. You develop taqwa, or called God-consciousness in layman terms. You carry out every thought and action consciously, reminding yourself 24/7 to think,do and behave accordingly to the commands of God. for every good thoughts or actions, you get multifold rewards from God. because God has shackled up Satan in this month. and so every muslim know that for any bad,undesirable thought or actions that we have, it is within ourself whether you are able to keep it under control.

this is also a blessed month whereby gates to Paradise are open and gates to Hell are closed. so it is also a golden opportunity to repent for the sins you have previously done. and not to repeat them again. Gain lessons from them. not to repeat them. God mercifully forgives if you are sincere in repenting. so i've also taken this opportunity to repent for any silly mistakes that i've done, hoping for forgiveness. earnestly reaping rewards.

as the days of fasting are getting lesser and the much sought after holidays of celebrating the completion of fasting is nearing, perhaps it's also time to reflect: "have you really done anything justificable to use this month to reap the benefits that God has laid down for us? have you learned anything from it? is there anything you need to change for the months to come?"

Nature provides us with many examples or refreshment and renewal. Dawn becomes day which becomes night and rolls out into dawn again. Just think, Allah s.w.t could have just as easily created a worl that just keeps going on and on, but instead He created a world that highlights renewal, as a sign for us to reflect.

so make full use of the time given. May Allah give us the strength to overcome all obstacles to renew ourselves. amin.

'iftar' and mosque-hopping activities

Some updates on my experiences of breaking my fast in local mosques during Ramadan.

I had a great start. (but subsequently, not that great la) My mentor took the effort to break fast with me on my first day of fasting. though we didnt perform prayers together but nevertheless, the experience was comforting and heartwarming. because being the one and only muslim in the family,you dont get the chance to have 'iftar' with your family members.

2nd day of fasting, i rushed out of the office soon after the clock strike 5.30pm. didnt even perform my mid-noon prayers. took a bus and went straight to Darul Aman. heavy traffic. darn! when i finally reached the mosque, the call was nearing. i didnt know what were my priorities. to pray first or to break first. in the end, i was late for my prayers and i didnt even get to eat any porridge. i had only my dates and a slice of bread to rely on. waited till 8pm for the call to start the special 'night prayers called Terawih'. that mosque was near my house, so going home straight after prayers was only a few bust stops away.

subsequently, i began to squeeze more brain juice and came up with many contingency plans. either this mosque or that. today this mosque, tomorrow that mosque. all without the company of my mentor. he had the benefit of doing all this ramadan stuff with his family all the time. unlike those who are without any kins.

my 4th day of fasting, i went to Masjid Kassim near my class in Kembangan. when i reached, all the makciks were already seated on the strawmats in an airconditioned area. woww... aircon somemore... i was ushered into a group of muslimahs already seated with a BIG PLATE of rice infront of them. and there was 5 bowls of porridge for each individual. i was hungry so i thought there might not be enough for 5mouths. but when i actually finished the porridge, my appetite dropped. i wanted to forgo the rice but wasnt allowed to. i was persuaded to finish the 'section' under my nose. omigosh, that's alot to cope i thought to myself. but since no wastage is encouraged, i did my best. okay, so that was my impression of sharing food in a BIG PLATE.

after that, i had a tough week. everyday (except the days i had my classes) i cracked my mind and thought about where would be the fastest yet most convenient place to have my 'iftar'. because i also need to consider the allowance for me to perform my prayers.time was an important contributing factor. but amidst all this rushing, i am actually enjoying myself. enjoying my first ramadan in mosques having 'iftar'. though i wont deny the loneliness does kills the mood. haha. (= but its alright.

so it was mosque-hopping for me for the past few weeks. i remembered knowing another muslim sister in Al-Mujahidin mosque and then i saw her in Al-Falah mosque again. what a small world yeah. about Al-Falah mosque, the serving of 'iftar' is far more humongous than Masjid Kassim. ( i really wished i could snap it down and load it, then my blog would be more interesting) this time round, the PLATE became BIGGER! the rice served was more. as i knew i couldnt take alot, i restrained myself to only a bowl of porridge and a slice of kueh and 3dates. but guess what, told not to waste again, must help to finish. in the end, i ate it afterall. no regret because i never tasted such tender mutton with no smell, and the spice was just right. POWER!!!

and today, i had the opportunity with the will of God, to try breaking fast at Al-Muttaqin. the mosque near my workplace. this mosque do not have even LARGER PLATES but rather it is a first come first serve basis and its SELF SERVICE! i dont mind. at least i get to take how much i can consume so as not to result in gorging the food in because we cant waste. but i did noticed that they helped themselves with lots of fried fritters etc... lucky those didnt appeal to me. and this mosque ended the 'night prayers' quite early.

so now i know. but i'm still continuing my mosque-hopping. havent tried the one which i heard was air-conditioned. hmmm... maybe i'll leave that for the weekend ahead....

Evolution??

Have anyone watched the latest documentary screened on Channelnewsasia? It is called 'Species Odyssey'. here's the link. click here to find out about what is it all about.

When i was still a student. a student with low intellectual thinking. a student with a brain not quite fully developed, i was deceived by my teachers and fellow classmates in schools during science lessons or what-not, that HUMANS evolve from APES. that explains why some are hairy and some are not. some has little hair above their lips and some has 'abundance' of it. those with hairy legs are those who couldnt shed off and there are also some who totally have rid all of it.

but as i grew older, i couldnt accept that theory. theoretically speaking, it doesnt make alot of sense. not even 2cents. i pondered and pondered. but that pondering did not trigger the curiousity inside me to be so bothered to study deep into where actually HUMANS come from. furthermore, teenhood over, then came adulthood and adulthood has other problematic issues to resolve (career, studies, relationship woes etc...)

ha.it was not until when i reach my mid 20s, i had the golden opportunity to learn about the true evolution of HUMAN creation. you might not believe where i got my answers from because you would think that this is a bias statement. a statement which not only this religion can proclaim credit to answer such profound questions. but if its the truth, there's nothing to proclaim about. because in actual fact, it contains just the truth and nothing but the truth.

it takes two hands to clap. so this might take a muslim to understand what the other muslim is talking about. i'm not preaching my religion but just felt an urge to share and not be mislead by other information which might not be as accurate as it seems.

meanwhile, to satisfy your curiousity (only if you wanna know), watch out for this space while i go and do some search of verses in the Book. if you are really interested, you may like to read some other information here. click only if you are interested. if you dont like, don't click and dont complain about me okay?

Pump coffee(caffeine) into my bloodstream!

Yesterday i suddenly had this wish.

Because i have been extremely caught up with classes and prayers and they usually end quite late,and then i had to cope with the waking up in the wee hours of the morning to grab a bite before i start my fast for the day.

now all that committments had taken a toll on my sleep.SLEEP had been compromised to a mininum of 4hours per day only.and being my first Ramadan, there was indeed lots of 'homework' to be done. having to accustom my body system to clock a minimal of 4hrs sleep, trying so hard to make out what is being recited during prayers and waking up in the last third of the night to supplicate to God. it has been told that this time is one of the times the believers could get their supplications answered because God has descended to the lowermost heavens and says:
"Who is calling Me,so that I may answer him? Who is asking Me so that may I grant him? Who is seeking forgiveness from Me so that I may forgive him?"

Because late at night, when people are sleeping and are busy with wordly pleasures, Allah gives the believers an opportunity, or an answer hour if they can fight sleep and invoke Allah for whatever they need.

this post reminds me of a topic which i read from nawooz's topic on coffee addiction . i wouldnt ask to pump caffeine in exchange of my blood of course. but if only we could consider this option temporarily when we need to. I havent been drinking coffee for 4 weeks (almost) because ever since Ramadan started,everytime when i wake up so early in the morning i couldnt find the time to make myself a cuppa of nice aroma smelling coffee.

sometimes unadmittedly, mankind requires the provisions in this world to be able to sustain our existence. but we need to be aware of WHO actually provides the provision for our sustenance??

An ordeal or a test?

Guess what,i have spilled the beans to him.i wasnt sure what i did was right but at least i got it off my chest.i dont know about you guys,but when i hear such 'news', i simply cant function properly.when i say i cant function properly,it means i think about it 24/7.i kept it away from him for two days and in the end,i couldnt take it anymore.

Though i didnt have the opportunity to clarify what i heard about him,but there was some consolation that the 'news' was not 100% accurate.i didnt tell him everything because he said he didnt want to hear what was said about him.and i think that's a very cool and positive attitude to adopt when it comes to knowing or hearing bad stuff about what other people have been spreading with their tongues.curiousity kills the cat.if such things were to happen on me,i would be so anxious to find out.maybe i should learn a few survival skills from him.

its amazing how people can fabricate tales like that of another person.and i guess the root of evil stems either from envy or jealousy developed towards that particular person. i wont deny that at times i do experience a tinge of jealously or envy towards another individual but that is only to spur me to do better and not to talk bad about that person.

from a religious viewpoint, we need to eradicate jealously,envy or suspicion towards others. i'm not sure how little will do good to mankind but if you can't suppress that feeling, then it will be bad because from time to time, it keeps growing in your heart and then it will obstruct your natural inborne disposition to be good, do good and think good.

Do you guys or gals have any bad experience of having to hear what other people have been speaking behind your back?and how do you deal with that deadly act of speech?

Lost for words

What do you do when you hear terrible 'news' about the one that you love?how would you respond?Can you clarify your doubts with him/her??If they are innocent,they would.but if they aren't,they will tell you to forgive them...

'News' came to me as a shock.i didnt know how to react.Especially in this month of ramadan,not just my mouth and stomach are fasting,but my eyes and ears are fasting too.i wasnt prepared to hear such stuff that would affect my fast in this blessed month.Because hearing such news,would take your attention away from attaining God-consciousness.it just takes away everything.like as though the hard work that you've put in has all gone to waste.

as i began to piece everything that i hear,i didnt expect it to make any sense out of it. the dosage i received this time was double of what i got from the previous betrayal.more details were given.doubts were converted to affirmations and questions were beginning to form in my head.

i didnt know where have i gone wrong.have i not done enough?was the other party/parties having something better than me or doing something more than what i've done for him?upon hearing what was told,my guess might be right.Perhaps the gifts or surprises that i planted on him wasnt sufficient to keep his heart at bay..i know i am not supposed to ask anything in return.i never asked for expensive gifts or fanciful surprises,never did i demand him to acknowledge that i am his girlfriend.i really couldnt understand why is this happening...

i know i would not be able to decipher how important or valued i am to him.but indeed,i have truly learnt a much important and valuable lesson from him.i guessed,since i am not acknowledged as his girlfriend, there wouldnt be any code of conduct that you need to abide: faithfulness.

since the calling of huney has stopped, well i guessed this is a very good start for me to release the accelerator and pull up the hand brakes and stop attaching myself so emotionally to a person that doesnt want to be with me.

BUT....BUT.... BUT....as i've said earlier...Its Ramadan.a blessed month for muslims.i'm supposed to feel physically and spiritually charged up.consciousness of God's commands should be at my fingertips and not the back of my mind.these are all tests that had been decreed by God,to test the beliefs that i've held close to my heart and the religious obligations that i've been commanded to follow.i should not dwell on the unnecessary but only concentrate about building my faith stronger and stronger. (though it can be quite hard to fight all these thoughts away)

An excerpt from the Book of God:Chapter of The Chambers(Surah Al-Hujurat 49:6~8)

"O Believers, if an evil-doer brings you a piece of news,inquire first into its truth,lest you should wrong others unwittingly and then regret your action.Know that God's apostle is among you.If he obeyed you in many matters, you would surely come to grief.But God has endeared the Faith to you and beautified it in you hearts,making unbelief,wrongdoing,and disobedience abhorrent to you.Such are those who are rightly guided through God's grace and bounty. God is all-knowing and wise."

if God willed,i would be given the opportunity to clarify.but i'm not sure if it was alright to warn him about the 'news' that was said about him. if its true would i be able to take the truth? but i didnt want to create any fitnah (false accusations based on hearsay). but right now, i seriously dont know what to do.

The story of the swan, the ostrich and the ugly duckling

I'm gonna tell you the story of a love triangle relationship between 3 birds:the swan(f),the ostrich(m) and the ugly duckling(f)

Epilogue:
This happens in a New York zoo.Before the ugly duckling met the ostrich,the swan had a happy relationship with the ostrich for many years.in each other eyes, perhaps they were perfect for each other. and even a perfect match labelled by many living around their community.Although they were not from the same species, but both of them were good looking. and somehow the differences maybe vast, nevertheless, both of them were darlings to each other.

First and Last chapter:
One cloudy day(dine day is outdated already),a shipment has arrived and a few ducks were brought in.and amongst these few ducks, there was an ugly duckling.and they lived in the swamp area,slightly less developed part of the zoo.The ostrich was out on his usual walks in the zoo when he passed by this pond.She looked ugly and pathetic.compared to the beauty of the swan,she was far worse.don't know was it out of sympathy for the duckling or because the ostrich was looking for another companion/liaison,the ostrich went over to the pond and talked to the duckling in 'bird language'. the ostrich was telling the duckling that there was another much cleaner pond elsewhere in the zoo. and he volunteered to show her the place. so the ostrich stretched out his neck and let the duckling climbed onto it and went up to shore.

Ever since,friendship developed into a liaison relationship between the ugly duckling and the ostrich. though one was ugly and the other one was handshome, they both clicked very well.because of the time spent together, the ugly duckling subsequently fell in love with the ostrich. but the ugly duckling was not aware that the ostrich was already someone's else.when the ostrich was with the ugly duckling,she did everything she could to pamper him.she would saved up her food for the ostrich and even went around the zoo to source for beautiful things to decorate his nest.

surely, good things normally do come to an end. you cant always have the sweetest harvest all year round.in those days, the pigeon was used as a communicator(just like the current system of sms-ing). the pigeon came to the ugly duckling to collect a message for the ostrich.before the pigeon flew off,it was told to the ugly duckling that the ostrich was already going out with the swan.the pigeon also revealed other juicy gossips about the swan and the ostrich.

the ugly duckling was very sad. she felt cheated.she shed so many tears that the pond's water level was higher than normal.despite avoiding the ostrich for many days,he also told the duckling that everything would come to an end with the swan if the duckling will forgive him.because of the love she had for the ostrich, she decided to forgive the ostrich.but in her heart,she knew that the ostrich heart was not with her anymore because the zookeeper had previously took a picture of them together and ostrich was still hanging it in his nest.

perhaps there might be some code that's being decided among the animals that once mating started, you are not to be involved with anyone else. henceforth, the swan was furious that the ostrich had left her and she decided to stage a revenge on the ugly duckling. sadly,things were also not going pretty well because the ostrich was not as intimate anymore.because calling 'darling' belonged to the swan, the ostrich decide to adopt a different calling to the duckling.but that has also stopped after the incident. the duckling didnt know why.so the pigeon delivered the answers to her. besides the swan,there were more parties involved.because calling intimately would cause the ostrich to committ himself to the duckling and he didnt want to,fearing better chances would come his way. but yet,the ostrich still secretly continued calling 'darling' swan in his pigeon messages.

the revenge didnt led to a bloody mess. but the ugly duckling was hurt and felt betrayed.if she had knew that the ostrich was 'taken' in the 1st place, she wouldnt be so desperate to take away someone else's partner,let alone hearing that they have already mated.the ugly duckling only wanted a partner that is true to her,not just using words to make people happy but behind her, the swan and the ostrich were still secretly meeting each other.

the ostrich didnt want to say the truth to the ugly duckling but she managed to know alot of things about the ostrich through the pigeons.perhaps the ugly duckling would have no other option but choose to return the ostrich back to the swan's arms or to the rest of his partners.

Analysis:
Perhaps,the ugly duckling had probably taken this liaison too seriously.or perhaps it was just a game.or maybe just 'fowl play'.

What do you think?Do you pity the ugly duckling?

Being true and faithful no longer can guarantee that the relationship would be everlasting anymore?Is that the cold hard fact that the ugly duckling need to accept?

Disclaimer:no animals were abused,sacrificed or tested during this process of story-telling.
Legend: (x)denotes the sex of the bird.

Oopss... i dont mean to be thinking about this song

During Ramadan,it has been recommended and encouraged by my teachers and mentor to recite several verses to remind ourselves of God. but for a couple of reasons i'm thinking about this song.it just suddenly came up to my mind. though the popularity has died down but its still a nice song.i dont intend to sing it to anyone but hoping someone else would use this to sing to me.

"The Reason"

I'm not a perfect person
There's many things I wish I didn't do
But I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you

I'm sorry that I hurt you
It's something I must live with everyday
And all the pain I put you through
I wish that I could take it all away
And be the one who catches all your tears
Thats why i need you to hear

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is You [x4]

I'm not a perfect person
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you

I've found a reason to show
A side of me you didn't know
A reason for all that I do
And the reason is you

Feed me or feed the car?

In singapore,before you get to drive a car on the road, you need to have a valid driving license of course. then you need to buy a piece of paper to put your vehicle on the road. that paper is called "Certificate Of Entitlement". and mind you, that piece of paper will cost you more than S$10k. Don't believe me right? take a look here

so besides paying for the piece of paper right, there's road tax, parking labels and vehicle insurance to take into account.besides all this, there's parking coupons to deal with, cashcards for ERP gantry and cashless car parks. and with the recent price hike of petrol prices, all these are going deep deep down into your pockets, reaching for your wallet and then it will creep into your hard earned money$$$$....without you realising...

since the amount of money you need to spend on the COE already requires you to spend more than S$10k,and then on top of this you need to pay for the actual vehicle price. the cheapest from $50k onwards for a 1.3litres vehicle... of course the high end ones will cost you more. if you want a mercedes or a BMW Z4, it will cost you more than $120K.then when you buy such expensive cars right, your insurance will cost more than the low-end ones.

recently,there was a big drop in the COE prices.It fell to as low as $11,200.see here to believe.It was so much different from the last time i was interested in buying a car for myself.at that time, the paper cost me $15K.Wwhooaa... BIG DROP man! that's why my father told me to chip in some cash as well and change a new car.i didnt ask him what car he was interested in but i told him that if i were to buy the car,i would have no money left to support my 3 meals.

i think feeding my stomach is cheaper than feeding the car with petrol. my stomach can leave on a bowl of $2.00 mee soto for 7days.but $21.00 would not be sufficient to fill up even 1/4 of the tank. cant even bring me anywhere with $21.00 of petrol.if i were to pour the amount of money i spend on food onto 'food' for the car, i would have to 'eat wind'(hokkien translated) because i would just drive the car around and can only fill my stomach with 'wind' from the breeze...

so daddy, drop the car. and Linus* too, don't ask me to get a Ford Mondeo. i can't afford it.perhaps i'm thinking i might eye on a motorcycle license instead. that is the cheaper alternative in getting mobile around the island.

'Sahur' and 'Iftar'

These two terms might look alien to you but these two words mean alot to me especially in this month of fasting.

'Sahur' is a pre-dawn meal muslims will partake to prepare for the rest of the day during the fasting month.Waking up at 0430hours is a struggle for me as my nights always end around 0030hours.and this meal is especially important for me because if i cant get up ontime to eat something,for a gastric-prone person like me,i might develop gastric for the rest of the day.and i would have to stop my fast to consume food,and that would invalidate my fast.and that's the last thing on my mind.

'Iftar' is the sunset meal to break our fast for the day.Usually occurs around 1855hours.If i'm hungry,by 1600hours,i would be checking the time at my watch for at least a hundred times till 1800hours,until i think the watch would shout at me:"Hey,how many times you want to look at me??!!"

if hunger pangs do not strike me, normally i would feel sleepy...very sleepy... if you give me a pillow,i would definitely fall asleep anytime,anywhere.yes,trust my words. i can sleep anywhere.i sleep on buses and i doze off during meetings*(my boss better not see this) the moment i got up the bus,position the air-conditioning,say a lil' prayer and off i go to DREAMLAND... if i'm lucky,i will wake up before my designated alighting stop but if i'm not,i'll end up at the depot.(where the buses have parked in those gigantic car parks)

so i started fasting a little later than the rest.on sunday,i bought a loaf of bread and my favourite peanut butter.I prepared my alarm clocks and i tried to tuck in a little early but my system dont seem to cooperate with me.in the end, i slept at almost 0100hours.goodness gracious!how to wake up??!!!

Lucky for me,my mentor gave me a buzz.a wake up call.whooaa!!! struggled to get out of my bed and sleepily walked to the bathroom and then to the kitchen for my 'sahur'.so this is my FIRST 'sahur' for my FIRST fasting day in my FIRST Ramadan. so many FIRSTS!!(of course... a freshie what!!!)

so i went to work as usual.the unusuals are not going to the pantry as often because i wont be making any beverages for myself.but the only problem is,time is passing EXTREMELY slowly and things at work arent getting on fine.(if fighting is allowed,i think my colleague wants to challenge a fight with me by the way she looked at me)the time from 10am to 12pm, and then from 2pm to 5.30pm seems to be ticking away like its taking ages man!i was lucky because there was training conducted during the morning and afternoon but nevertheless,i cant help but keep looking at my watch... and fasting requires you to keep away from undesirable behaviour,thoughts or actions.its about character building and anger management and importantly,strengthening your consciousness of God.

finally when the hour hand shows 5 and the minute hand shows 30minutes,i excitedly packed my bag and shut down my computer because my mentor is WILLING to break fast with me.no joke man!!! so i chucked away my sadness and happily went to meet him.i told him about my unhappiness at work but he didnt offer any consolation or advice.

He had laksa and i had my favourite soto ayam.after dinner we parted for our individual appointment.He went for his terawih prayers and i went for my class.so that was how i spend my FIRST day of fasting...

*disclaimer:only during this period.

Surprises galore!!!

Yesterday i received a basketful of SURPRISES...

to begin with my 1st surprise: since Ramadan is on Wednesday, Linus* sms-ed me that he would meet me for lunch at 1pm after he finished his lunch with his friends. and then he would continue his 'gung ho-ness' after his 1st appointment to meet me and these 2 appointments will take up 2 hours of his time. i was touched and went like: "waah... really ah?am i dreaming?" i feel like asking someone to pinch me. so i excitedly waited till 1245hrs and i called him. but there was no answer on the phone. i panicked. i sms-ed him. no reply. was it called off? i missed two buses and before i knew it, i was in a limousine cab. haha. i told the driver my destination but i told him if only i could go further because it's a Mercedes taxi man. No joke!!! anyway, when i was in the taxi, he called and told me he would be late... hmmm... and because he already had lunch, he just sat there and watched me eat. so that was it, the LAST LUNCH of the month for me.

2nd surprise came from a friend i knew from my secondary school. this friend of mine frequent my previous house because we stayed very near to each other. i think he would forgive me for my forgetfulness because i cant recall which block he stayed. we actually exchanged phone numbers when i first met him at a coffeeshop after a gap of more than 7years. i was reluctant to give him my number at first but i recalled that we used to share a very good platonic friendship. he called quite a couple of times but i told him i was busy and we never talked for more than 10mins. it was only last sunday, i made the effort to talk to him a little longer. before he hung up, i told him that there was a big turning point in my life. after some brief exchanges, he said we should meet up.

so yesterday, i choose to meet at my favourite hangout after work. as usual, i normally don my headscarf after work. i was kinda afraid that my friend would felt uncomfortable seeing me in the attire and i didnt want to compromise my commandments too just because i want to accomodate my friend. so i sms-ed him and told him that i would be in a blue headscarf. he asked me why. i told him that its' a religious commandment. after that he didnt respond when i asked him for a final confirmation. i was worried about being stood up by him. patiently waited for him. thank God, he appeared.

the first thing he said about me was: "you looked very cute." i was pretty amazed. after wearing for so long, i never received such compliments. i dont see it as sarcasm but just very interesting comment about my new attire. so i told him to get his food if he didnt want mee soto. occasionally, i mixed english with mandarin. and guess what, after he left the table. another handsome guy sitting next to me turned to me and said: "your mandarin very good. very fluent." i told him: "of course, i'm a chinese." then he went: "Oh... i see..."

when my friend came back, he asked for a bigger table. so while we were looking around, the handsome guy actually offered his seat to us but we didnt take because he was still eating. when we finally got a seat, shortly after he finished and even walked past to said 'bye-bye' to me. this is not the first time i get stares from men when they see a tudung clad woman talking in mandarin...

after dinner, we continued chit-chatting at a void deck near my house. so we talked about life, relationships, family problems, work, goals and religion. he was curious about my decision to convert. and he was also the only one who doesnt express extreme thoughts. even though his perceptions are almost similar like the rest of the people, his opinions were not based one-sided and that really surprised me alot. except for the few times he joked about the way i looked but he didnt make me uncomfortable.

he had spent 3 years studying on christianity and because many people felt that chrisitianity and islam have many similarities, it's never been an easy task to discuss about religion with a christian. but at least there's room for more open talk because he's positive about learning from other religions.. but he said that the belief that i have now would change in the future. but i told him NOPE because i was sure that i had found the TRUTH.

i asked him if he's interested to attend an orientation course about islam, he said he's game for it.

Good, i told him. God's will. we will arrange for him to go for the orientation. hee hee...

a little disappointment

at first i was anticipating for Ramadan to arrive. but my adrenalin pumping moments were gone when i first began to notice some signs of an AV*(aunt's visit) now, i don't get to officiate the 'opening ceremony' of Ramadan like what the rest are going through. (terawih, and having their pre-dawn meal on 5th October etc...) but of course, this is a nature's call. cant be helped. so i would make the best of my 'rest days' to prepare for some other important stuff. i've got two new sets of clothings. (last year i was given the permission to claim for a new set of clothings but i did not. not sure if it has expired) and i've also bought a box of dates(prunes) for break-fasting purposes. well, i guess that's about it. hopefully i didnt miss anything out so far. because i didnt want to do last minute shopping in the 'always-so-crowded-bazaar'.... stickysmellysardine-packedbazaar... hmmm...

i am not sure if i should remind my mentor again, that i needed some pointers about the things to do during Ramadan, verses to recite, what to do and what to avoid etc etc... i remembered telling him once that i needed a little more attention or guidance much earlier. i dont want to keep on nagging because i was afraid of him getting frustrated that i keep pestering him. sigh, what should i do now? get on the internet for help? is it a bad sign that i should always rely on others for help? i hope they understand for i'm still undergoing 'probation'. its only coming close to 8 months of conversion... please forgive if there's anything that i've said or done wrong.

i'm also requ-ing around. hoping to get invites from friends to visit their homes on the 1st day of Hari Raya. but looks like, things arent looking good. This is the day for families to get together with their close ones, how am i suppose, as a stranger to join people's families for visiting leh? hmmm...i wonder?? maybe i'll pass my time in shopping centres after the 'eid-fitr' prayers.

anyway, the bridge will be there when i get there. (literally translating a chinese proverb) if you know what i mean.

My 1st Ramadan(fasting month)!!!!

Pretty excited that it's nearing... 3 more days!!!

Actually it is not my first time experience on fasting. last year, before my decision to convert, i tried it out, in the month of Ramadan,together with the rest of the muslims around the world. i wanted to get a feel of it and to see if my system could take up the challenge or not. my mentor keep reminding me that if i couldnt take it, i could stop the fast anytime and i should not pressure myself since there's no rewards or sins inflicted should i wish to discontinue the act of fasting. i told him not to worry,i'll be fine. (= and i actually kept my 'fasting act' under wraps from my colleagues. so during lunch i would still go out but i went to the park nearby and waited for the time to fast. so i carried radio la, books la, slips of paper containing some prayer notes. and boy, during ramadan, it was especially an extremely sunny afternoon! and amazingly, i completed 29 days of fasting. God bless! Praise be to Him! but i couldnt get to complete the islamic celebration of Eid Al-Fitr because i'm not a full-fledged muslim yet. at least i got some consolation from a friend because she wished me 'selamat hari raya puasa'.

a brief introduction for non-muslims:
Ramadan is the ninth month of the islamic lunar calendar. the islamic lunar calendar months are only 29 or 30 days long. an islamic month begins with the sighting of the new crescent in the western horizon,immediately after sunset. muslims look toward the western horizon for the new moon the the 29th day of Sha'ban, the eighth month. if the new moon is sighted, Ramadan has begun with the sunset but fasting begins with the next dawn. if the new moon is not sighted on this 29th day, Muslims complete 30days of Sha'ban and Ramadan begins the following day.

God says in the Quran:
" O ye who believe! Fasting is prescribed fo ryou, even as it was prescribed for those before you, that you may attain God-consciousness. (2:183)
"In the month of Ramadan the Quran was revealed, a book of guidance with proofs of guidance distinguishing right from wrong. therefore whoever of you is present in that month let him fast. but who is ill or on a journey shall fast a similar number of days later on. Allah desires your well being, not your discomfort. He desires you to fast the whole month so that you may magnify Him and render thanks to Him for giving you His guidance." (2:185)

Fasting begins with dawn and ends with sunset. muslims rise before dawn, eat a pre-dawn meal (sahur) and drink liquids for the preparation of fasting.eating and drinking stops at dawn. during the day no eating, drinking or sexual activity is allowed. in addition, a muslim must also adhere to the moral code of islam very strictly as failure violates the requirements of fasting. of course, women who are having their menstrual period or who have not fully recovered from childbirth can make up for the days in other months. muslims fast because God has commanded them to do so. for muslims, the benefits of fasting include developing control over hunger, thirst and secual urges, training to be a good moral person and a test of our sincerity to the Creator. but of course, muslims dont just be extremely good in this month, and bad in the next. muslims would try to be a good person all year round. we just wanna be extremely good so that we get extra blessings and hoping to get additional rewards in this month. so our fast will be broken immediately after sunset with dates and water. but of course, any lawful food or drink is allowed to break the fast.

afterwhich, we will perform our sunset prayer (Magrib) followed by a complete meal. after a brief rest, muslims go to the mosque to offer our night prayer(isyak) and then a special night prayer called terawih. during this prayer, a leader who is well versed in memorizing the Quran will lead the prayers. this will be performed everynight for 29 or 30days in the month of Ramadan. and traditionally, the 114 chapters was divinely divided into 30sections, will be read out every night.

Additionally, muslims are obliged to perform this material help called Sadaqat al-Fitr to the poor and the needy. this is usually given before the 'eid prayers' for the poor to prepare for the celebration. so every family and its member are required to donate a small amount of cash and its usually done by the head of the family. i was wondering where am i supposed to donate this money to... hmmm...

The end of the fasting month is celebrated on the first of Shawwal, the 10th month. on the day of Eid, people would wear their best clothes, and proceed to the place of Eid congregation while pronouncing 'takbir' (Allah is the greatest, there is no other gods but Allah and all praises belongs to Him). the leader that leads the prayer (imam) rises at the appointed time and delivers a sermon. after the sermon, muslims supplicate, greet, embrace and congratulate each other for the successful completion of Ramadan and ask Allah for the acceptance of their efforts in His obedience.

this clears the misconception that muslims celebrate 'new year' at this time of the year. i used to have this misconception before but not anymore now. (= i hope this short introduction of the purpose of fasting month (ramadan) proves useful information for people who wants to know about it but just don't have the opportunity to find out.

Inspirational feeds for the heart

In the wee hours of a Thursday, i struggled with much difficulties to get my eyes open because there's LIVE TELECAST of Liverpool against Chelsea for the UEFA Champions League title. 2.35 hours. the previous night, i set 3 alarm clocks. in the end, i failed to hear a single one of them till about 3am, i received a call from Linus informing me of the match. after he hung up, i sat up, walked around in my bedroom, moved my limbs so that i could enjoy the game. but strangely, after every movement, i'm back on my bed.

watched for about 35minutes of play, this time the performance was slightly better than the rest of the games they played (i think la). anyway, you can read the full report here. i might not do a good job. so you guys just self service la hor. no goals were scored in the first half. PHeeww... i struggled again, to keep awake. then after, the match has started. again, i was struggling to keep my eyes open. when time was up, it was a goalless match. Thank God. but i had a problem. the match ended at 4.35hours. and i need to wake up at abt 5.35 am. omgosh! hack it i thought. go to bed la. haha. true enough i opened up my eyes at abt 6.15am. Late! Late! Late! sharks! ! ! I should have not slept and go for a breakfast with Linus before we head for work. but greediness to sleep distorted my much-awaited macdonalds' breakfast.

i began to fell sleepy during the middle part of the noon. lucky for the journey, i tried to recover some rest on the bus because i need to. my die-hard habit. and because Thursdays are tasfir lessons for me, i need rest in order to be attentive. so we learn in class about the meanings and interpretations of the Holy Book. and the teacher would quote examples of how we can inculcate God's simple teachings into our daily lives. the dosage that the ustaz gave is always the right amount to 'bring you back to the shore', to make you realise the many things you have done, could have been done better etc. and it would be open to discussions the real life examples we will quote to get a better understanding in improving the situations we are in.

Ustaz quoted this particular chapter titled: LIGHT 24:12~17
" when you heard it, why did the faithful, men and women, not think well of their own people,and say:'this is an evident falsehood'? Why did they not produce four witnesses? If they could not produce any witnesses, then they were surely lying in the sight of God.

But for God's grace and mercy towards you in this life and in the life to come, you would have been sternly punished for what you did. You carried with your tongues and uttered with your mouths what you did not know. you may have thought it a trifle, but in the sight of God it was a grave offence.

When you heard it, why did you not say: 'it is not right for us to speak of this.God forbid! this is a monstrous slander?' God bids you never to repeat the like, if you are true believers. God makes plain to you His revelations. God is all-knowing and wise."

Basically, it is to tell us to guard our hearts, minds, tongues and mouth. to be wary of backbiting,slandering,or gossiping about other's shortcomings. we should reflect upon ourselves to not distort or even spread bad words if unless proven otherwise that we have brought forth the truth about other people.

perhaps, everyone would have their personal view about this. feel free to comment if necc. i hope through little excerpts i quoted from the Book, you would be able to comprehend and not misinterpret islam as something very bad...

would it be over soon?

Everytime i face problems at work, i dont know why but i would prefer to go to my 'ex-huney', which is Linus* of course to vent, complain or to find solace. that's because he used to care more about me before the saga began. probably the difference between then and now, might be the lesser gifts he received, so would the attention and concern be reduced as well. but since he's gone, i would probably put up a notice like this to find him back.

so before he responds to the ad, (praying for miracles)i would probably hold my tongue about the misfortunates that i've once again landed myself in during the course of my work. i thought i could free myself from the clutches of my marketing manager since i've changed my scope of work recently but due to her jealously or selfishness whatever you wanna call it, she reprimanded me for silly things. things which were of no significance. but because its coming from her, and additionaly with the scarring of my previous BAD experiences with her, i had an emotional outburst because i just could take it lying down that she would take her chance at me for every stoopid little detail she can think of to get back at me.

it might sound so silly of me to resign just because of the incident. but even though i do not have to report to her anymore as of 19.9.2005, i am still getting the shi** daylight out from her! i should have snapped at the very first job offer i was given. but now,i've got to work much harder. even if it meant sending 50 resumes per 30minutes. 1 hour = 100 resumes. 8 hours = 800resumes x 5days per week = 4000 resumes. i will still need to do it.

i think it would be more silly to stick my face around and think that money could be traded with happiness. i don't wanna become aperson who has been afflicted with so much fear that i've become a gal who became so fearful and so low in confidence about myself and the things around me. i still remember there was an occassion. i was in the toilet. there were 3 cubicles. one was 'rosak' so left with two. lunchtime was usually crowded. i was almost done when i heard that high pitch voice of hers. i was contemplating to exit because she was passing comments outside:
Monster manager:"aiyo, why so long? lao sai ah? aiyo, fainted ah?"
someone else then asked; " when are they going to repair the toilet?"
Manager replied:" no spare parts la. aiyo, why still havent come out?" stuck ah? anybody knows who's inside?"
She complains like this with more rude remarks for like 7minutes. would you come out if you were me? maybe u would. but i wouldnt. because i know i'm gonna get more than just shi**y h** if i were to exit. i had to wait till the 'coast is clear'. i was in such a sorrow state. that i had to hide in the toilet like this.

okay,i need some sleep. almost 3am liao. i'm gonna turn out to be a big Panda bear tomorrow.
good nitez...

busy... busy... busy...

Did you noticed that my posts were all back-dated? if you had visited my blog for the past few days, you might not have seen any updates since 20 Sept. but tah-dah, when you come back on 24 Sept, "eh! how come i din see this one on 22 Sept?" no cause for alarm though. that's because i was EXTREMELY BUSY for the past few days. SO BUSY that i simply do not even spare 20minutes of my lunch to blog. and as i've mentioned before the PC at work really suxs. big time. pointless to blog using that PC. cant do much.

and usually, besides setting aside the time for prayers, i am left with nothing of the 45minutes given to get a proper lunch. oh please dont assume that i need so much time for prayers people. but i felt more comfortable praying among my fellow sisters at the mosque then to pray at this area where it's a little eerie, dirty and abandoned. so henceforth, i need time to travel to and fro the mosque. and transport needs money too. so if i travel to the mosque most of the times, either i skip lunch or i munch biscuits. and i realise that biscuits can cause constipation if water consumption is low. haha.

and also, as of 19.9.2005, i had a new staff to coach because she's taking over my duties. and as i've mentioned earlier too, i'm taking over somebody's else duties. suddenly i felt that i became the busiest personnel in the company. running to and fro my desk to hers. handling the cases which had been pending since my time. mentoring her at the same time. and then to cope with the new job responsibilities i'm entrusted with now. arrrgghhh... i hope my boss understands if i am not able to hand or complete any job on time but i'm doin' my best. really.

so recently, i didnt want the new mentee to think that i've isolated her during lunch, i accompanied her and had no choice but to pray within the time i was left with after our meals. and because i havent told her that i was a muslim and i need to go to the mosque, she wanted to follow me too. omigosh! i told her i would accompany her for lunch the next day. and so i brought her with me when i lunched with other colleagues the next day. and the following day, my other colleagues told me not to bring her along..... hmmm... well, we'll see how it goes from here. meanwhile, back to mentoring again...

repentance

That was the key word i picked up from my lesson on Tuesday.and that was also my last lesson of the second module.

REPENTANCE.derived as being aware of the mistakes you have committed and seek forgiveness from God. and that you would not repeat the same old mistake again.

In Islam,we are taught not to transgress the prohibitions laid down by God.simple things such as gossiping,slandering or backbiting about another person behind his/her back without their knowledge is considered bad. and this is totally discouraged. because Islam doesn't just emphasize on the 5 compulsory acts (pillars of Islam)required by any muslim, banking on building good virtues, nurturing good actions and thoughts towards fellow muslims and non-muslims as well. unlike what my mum says about islam, that muslims are so rigid la, they build a wall among themselves by restraining themselves etc etc... well, all i can say to her is that you cant judge a book by its cover. understanding the basis of the teachings first before you make baseless assumptions about it. many things can't be measured or judged by its surface. i wont be saying that i'm a good practising muslim but nevertheless, as vicegerent on earth, i'm making use of every moment here useful by applying what i learn in islam to my daily routine. may God grant me wisdom to do so...

so henceforth, i was repentful with the previous post that i wrote about my colleague. and had even given her names. of course, the treatment she had given me was uncalled for. and i really dont like it. and i dont know what to do with the attitude she displayed towards me. but after my class on tuesday, it made me realised that no matter how bad she treats me, i should never ever reciprocate the bad feelings she have towards me and return the same to her. i should not entertain the notion of the latter part of this phrase :'good begets good and bad begets bad.' and therefore, i sincerely repent that i would never write or think anything bad about her. it's true some might tell me, 'but angel, what's the point of being good and nice, and everyone still treats you like shit? aren't you doing something like 'finding a needle in a heap of hay?' well, perhaps i hope that one day (to the will of God) her heart will be melted by my kind hearted gestures i offer at work. and because i want to set a good example that muslims behave amicably and not 'foolishly declaring JIHAD (misconcepted word) in the name of Islam.' muslims behave intelligently by learning to live in harmony regardless of the different races and religions amongst all of us.

though she might not know that i have said bad things about her and thereafter i had sincerely repented, i guess only i know myself if i can perservere and strive to cross this hurdle at work. and remember this people:

Change and reform can only comes from within.

slow but steady but *tak shiok*

that's the performance of my PC at my new desk. used previously by the ex male operations staff i am taking over with IMMEDIATE effect from 19.9.2005. sigghhh... i don't get to shift my computer from my old desk, neither do i get to shift the keyboard or the screen protector. and mind you, though it's a Pentium III, but the operating system as well as the IE, its so backdated. never mind if its windows 98 but because the IE runs on version 5, my blogger webpage doesnt come in the true complete package because the screen 'shrunk'. and the 'edit post' page wasnt loaded with icons that enable me to upload images. this is so saddening. i can't blog as how often if it meant sacrificing my beauty sleep.

so here i am. 0230hours. sitting right infront of my home PC. trying to update my blogs and risking losing my freshly written post on the internet using the old conventional method of a 'dial up modem'. slow, sometimes steady but yet risky also. many times i kena, i type and type. the juice of thoughts keep flowing and i keep typing. suddenly, the system decides to 'phunk' on me. or if not, the internet would just disconnect itself. and if it happens simultaneosly, whahaha... best of luck then. start all over again.

that's it folks. i need to sleep now. or risk falling asleep in the bus, office or in my class. probably i'll get myself to sit next to my classmate so that he can pinch me when he sees me dozing off. bwahahaha... or perhaps, do a 'coffee drip' instead of a glucose drip.

Let the coffee runs in my blood stream for a day or two. then you will probably see a HYPERACTIVE gal jumping and hopping and laughing till the coffee runs dry.

to resent or to regret?

I've decided to stay put in my current job. after much contemplation, i'm still back to this black and lonesome pit.

Why black? because this clique of colleagues in the same subsidiary as i am, shows me the black face 5/7 (5times per week). as though i owed them a hundred millions bucks(SGD $1,00000000). and the way they carry their speech towards me truly reflects 'discrimination'. and one colleague in particular talks to me as though she comes from a black gangster triad. her motto: Rudeness is my middle name. if not for the numerous classes i went through, i might have confronted her long long time ago, wanting to find out 'WTHack' is this attitude towards me all about. she needs anger management classes much much more than i need. period. and since i couldnt improve the situation and i didnt want to suffer from high blood hypertension by working under 'the same roof' as her. so obviously and honestly speaking, she and the hostile environment was the contributing factors to my hastiness in submitting my resignation letter to my boss. sometimes i would like to 'psycho' myself that if i were to overcome this big challenge, perhaps i would come out as a winner. but no la, i don't want to waste my time here anymore as i believe that i can deliver better results elsewhere. in a more conducive environment.

and why lonesome? because, there is hardly anyone that you can form a clique like them to make your live less lonely at work. but this excuse is lame la. you go to work to earn a living, not to make friends and make noise in the office what..

and actually,before i submit my resignation, i was offered another position but this also mean that i will continue to work under the same boss, in the same company and with that 'mobster' around. i rejected it almost immediately. no hesitation. but rumours landed into my operations manager's ears and he 'sabo-ed' me to my GM that i was leaving WITHOUT a JOB. i was henceforth, persuaded to stay on because of their appreciation of my contributions these 2years++ and also unfortunately, by the cold hard fact, that i still haven't got a job offer yet. so in the end, i'm still gonna bum around for at least another month or so.

resentment?or regretful of my decision? whatever it is, i'll try my very best. not just in my new position but my very best in finding myself another job. Sorry boss. can't blame me.

Lessons in life not taught in school

There are many valuable lessons that you learned in life when it comes to dealing with your setbacks, disappointments or the dreaded feeling after a relationship fails.textbooks doesnt cover them, teachers don't include them and the school doesnt talk about it during your assembly. maybe most of us would only experience this when we have stepped out from school,out into the 'real working world'.

the strangest thing about learning through lessons is when you have felt somewhat painful, hurtful through the experience that you realised; 'Oh yeah, this shall be a lesson for me. i would always remember this experience and learn from it.' and you swear by it, never to repeat that mistake again. then the sorrows, tears and emotions accompanying you throughout the lesson make you think again; 'Why me?? and not someone else?' at this point of time, we find ways to release our pent up frustrations, our sorrow, our emotions. we find means to make us feel better. one of the natural way is either you hate the person for letting you go through this torture or you thank the person for letting you learn some lessons as a living being and becoming a better person the next time. this process is inevitable. we are only human so we experience all kinds of feelings. hatred or love, you decide.

and then, ultimately you change. now, how you change it depends on your perception of things. for good or for worse, it is your call too. no one can ever be a busybody to decide how you shall change. you either let your head control your heart, or let your heart control your head. which many scholars say the latter option would be the better choice.

we need to perceive that change is good and it is part and parcel of our life.and change will only be beneficial if only it improves your mentality of perception towards life, and the course of your actions that best reflects your attitude in life too.... i think most importantly is to take charge of your priorities in life.and to maintain a positive mindset towards the things that had already happened. And whatever that you do, always remember that our freedom of choice given in this life is accompanied by the price of accountability through your actions.

i'm not a big philosopher. but just sharing some thoughts as i change my perception into a different phase in life. my decision to divert my faith has led people to think that i've embraced a religion deemed to be the most commonly misinterpreted 'extremist religion or a religion deemed as the compulsory process for a non-malay girl/boy to be married to a malay girl/boy. this would definitely need to be clarified but it would take time. nevertheless, how hard it would be but i'll do my lil' part in promoting the correct message of Islam. (with the will of God). this could probably take away readership on this blog but hopefully the curious ones will be here to stay...

BECAUSE, i've reached my 1,000 mark! whahaha... thanks to the faithful readers out there. You know who you are. *grin* (if you are not on the 'favourites link list', get a blog and i'll link you)

surprises from Linus*

Tick-tock tick-tock. the time on my watch ticking away slowly after my lunch. there were a couple of things needed attention but i was confident that i could finish it before the deadline hits me. so i simply surf my time away,reading people's blogs,gaining inspiration and thoughts..

every tuesday are as usual,i am supposed to attend my tawhid lesson.translated called 'concept of Oneness of God'. and i am always anticipating (not complaining) that my study companion would be around. anyway, Linus* was willing to have dinner with me. *grin*^_^

because i was wearing a new blouse to work. it was a tailor made blouse. it cost me $49 and it was one of my favourite colour, white. so i was telling Linus that this blouse's cutting was kinda of too loose fitting though it was tailor made according to my S size. and you know what he says?Linus* said: 'But it still looked NICE on YOU what?' woww... in my heart, i was thinking. am i dreaming or not? He complimented me leh, for the two years i've known him. this is the FIRST TIME i hear compliments about my clothing from him. but i kept it to myself but right now, i'm blogging it out. haha.

so with the dinner companionship and the compliment, i dived upwards. skyhigh. on cloud nine. *still grinning* ^_^ that's the little things that get you going. makes me happy even though i might sound silly actually... and this coupon on the right certifies that i had dinner with him on this day and at this time... more silly right?

Blogging:a new phase of perception

When i first started blogging, the trend of owning one has already began to grow a long long time ago.mrbrown and mrMiyagi were the pioneers of the pioneers. Blogging have since taken off to a new direction. to a whole new era of bloggers who can write very well and have even won awards for Best Blogger 2005 etc... i wont say they are the best among the millions on the internet but locally speaking, their popularity have gained enormously. and i feel that when people tend to get famous, some might tend to be boastful and start writing sh**** stuff on their blogs. but amazingly, the two common folks on this red dot island own blogs which displayed their musings on political and controversial issues have always been tackled witfully with a pinch of humour in it, not traumatising any other race or religion. i think that should be the ettiquette.

about this recent hoo-haa of bloggers charged over racist remarks in their blogs. yeah no doubt, the internet has vast millions of space for freedom of speech, you can't deny the fact that the internet is also a powerful tool for millions of people to defame or insult someone else with just a mere click of the mouse. but in the first place, have they ever asked themselves why are they doing this? is it a mere clash of wrath incurred with exceptions that it's only your personal perception of 'one tree that kills the whole forest thingy'? or an act that you carried out foolishly and impulsively without even considering the consequences of your actions? by giving them the benefit of the doubt, in my personal view la, since the blog had been removed, that it could be the first or probably both. (for the sake of my 'foreigners bloggers' across the causeway , here's a rundown of articles and comments relating to this issue of Two bloggers charged under sedition act over racist remarks and another featured blogger post and the comments made.

so here's the moral of the story(subjective): we are all adults already. and we should write responsibly. act responsibly. perhaps singaporeans might need to try and practise our tolearance level before we really become a nation of 'anti-chinese' or 'anti-malays'. it would be a laughing stock for others. and it takes two to tango. always. in any kind of circumstances. ever wonder if this issue is only taken lightly with slaps of fine or warnings or maybe none at all, the malays who own personal blogs might also start defaming the chineses as well. we are a nation made up of many races with an assortment of colours. why let your personal conflict of interests or experiences make you be branded as a 'racist'? this news would definitely be a wake up call to many bloggers out there, specially those who are backlashing your fellow mates of a 'different religion or race'. i think if you really do need to vent out your anger, such sensitive issues might probably be better in a place called your 'personal diary' and not the weblog. if that two bloggers want limelight to be taken away from mr brown or mr miyagi, maybe they can consider the upcoming my star idol or the super host on channel U. no, i dont wish to get any limelight whatsoever.

it's an expensive lesson isn't it? and painful as well as it hurts your pockets. deep. real deep.

the dreaded capital 'C'

Okay guys and gals... i know this is too teeny weeny small to read the article is all about and nope,i'm not asking you to spoil your eyesight. but focus on the title of the article: 5 reasons he wont Commit YET. this article would mostly be applicable to guys only as i think i have yet come across any gals who are afraid of committment. well i think there might be some ladies out there, still looking around and not wanting to commit unless 'He' is the one for her. i wont talk about those gals. i will talk about myself since this is my blog.

oh yes,i used to be falling head over heals in love with Linus*. i had this hunch that 'He' is the one that i wanna spend the rest of my life with. i thought i would be the one for him too. though i never heard a second time(just one time only but i'm not sure if was it my hallucination or not) that i was his 'gf' or was ever introduced to anyone that i was his 'gf'. so if calling 'huney' was one of a tell tale sign that i was his 'gf', then i would have something to worry now. because the 'huney' phenomenon has become HISTORY. so since its history then i wont dig up the past anymore. i'm looking forward into the future:

1. a standby group of 'options' as what my good sister has recommended should there be no hopes coming from Linus*.

2. a miracle that Linus* would still be the same old huney i first met. which is why i call it a miracle, and since only God can perform miracles. (;

and so back to the article. to summarise, it was saying that guys are actually thinking :

1)that if they were to commit, they would be doomed. yeah, doom because they think that it would close all doors from other 'openings or invitations'.

2) guys have aplenty of time at the back of their hands to wait and wait, then the cleverest thing is also to make you wait, not knowing that your 'system' doesnt wait for you.

3) guys want the best for you, so he's still saving for the big day. if they cant deliver what you wished for, they would rather save more. just in case.

4) they were terribly 'burnt and hurt' before. so their healing process takes longer than women, which explains why they would still want to wait for a little while.

5) they are not sure if you are the one and yet they are so shy to tell you in the face because they can't bear to hurt you. so time drags again. and the editor said that afterall, the guy was really a coward.

hmmm... what say you? any guys unhappy with what the article says?

And i stumbled upon these few quotes from the internet. amazingly, they were from the questions and answers page of this website :

a.True love is never afraid of venturing into a committment.

b.Love without loyalty is merely infatuation, if not flirtation.

c.Love transcends all boundaries.

I am now convinced that i have fulfilled all the above:

i. im not worried of committments so of course my love for him* is true.

ii. since i'm committed, of course there's loyalty. (cannot apply multi-tasking here,because in relationships, its a theology of 'one-at-a-time')

iii. i've crossed so many boundaries. even without the help of his moral support but only from God.

so after going through the quotes, do you think you have what it takes to be a good partner to your other half? this blogger has lots to say. view his article if you have the time.

and do share if you have thoughts especially JoeBloggs or probably nawooz...

the trial of blueskies's mentor

Chief Justice Chew had been called back from his retirement to be the judge in court for this trial of 'blueskies's mentor' because several appeals had been made to the High Court.finally it was approved. Hearing was adjourned due to some unforeseen circumstances. there was a queue formed outside the room. everyone was impatiently waiting for the hearing to start. mostly were made up of women.reporters from Channel m and Channel t and channelnonews were also present outside.

"Court rise" someone shouted. everyone stands up. "Hearing begins".

The plaintiff being 'blueskies' was being summoned to the deck. after taking the oath, she was told by her lawyer to describe whatever that has happened for the past 6 months. she started crying when she mentioned about her conversion and all that had happened to the two male witnesses of her conversion. she said:

"nobody has the time to care or be concerned about my development as a newcomer to the religion.my friends had left me.i was misunderstood.and i had no attention.worst still,my mentor had no time for me."

the lawyer asked for the judge's permission to summon the witness and the accused.

Mr Mutton chop:" not my fault la. i was just being asked upon as a favour to sit in because my friend asked me to. i dont know who she is. Not my fault, not my fault. why you never ask my friend to come also?"

CJ Chew interrupted and said: "but since you made that promise to sit in as her witness then you should do your part as a witness. that's the responsibility of the witnesses." at this point, the lawyer then summons the second accused. Blueskies's mentor appeared in a timberland tee, timberland pants and his Rockport shoes. eh, no. its the 'made in uk' timberland shoes. and he appeared solemn.

CJ Chew told the lawyer to proceed with his questionings. the lawyer asked him to explain his absence from the classes that blueskies were attending. and despite the appeals she made, there was no attendance from him.

Blueskies mentor:"I did attend the beginners' course halfway through i was sent away on a company assignment."

Lawyer asked:" what about the subsequent courses? Didn't she asked you along too?Didnt she tell you that it would be easier for her to ask questions if you, an important mentor in her journey, failed to encourage or the least be concerned about the curriculum of her development in the religion? what have you got to say about this?"

Blueskies's mentor: "but my life dont just revolve around one student. i got loads of them and some are my girlfriends.(pointing to the big group of women sitting behind him with timberland tees too) and i've got my own family committments too."

Lawyer asked: "but you had made that committment to volunteer as her witness, then you must be able to fulfill your duties as a guardian or mentor to her too. even if you have to juggle many girlfriends at the same time.did she demand lots of time from you? was she unreasonable ?"

Blueskies's mentor: "Not really. but eerrm errmm..."

Lawyer: "Eeerrmm what eerrmm?? *tehh* times up." Judge, he did not fulfill his duties as a mentor to the poorly, unattended newcomer to the religion. he left her in the lurch to attend classes on her own and did nothing motivational in her path of learning. People in the court, how can you bear to see such an interesting and eager to learn person struggling on her own? i have enough of this liao. hey CJ,can you pass sentence now?

(there was hurling and swearing in the courtroom.) "Silence. dong. dong. dong. (sounds like the bell) the hammer was hit 3times by the judge.

CJ Chew: "no need for the jury. I shall now announce that this what funny name,Blueskies's mentor be sentenced to
1) 24/7 availability for any kind of questions relating to religion.

2) automatic registration and attendance is compulsory for all the courses she had signed for.

3) payment of all the course fees, but of course.

4) to upgrade your skills and knowledge so that your mentee can come to you for any kind of questions. no such thing as 'i don't know' or 'but i can check for you asap.'

5) to subsidise for the books she has bought because you are to read them too.

With this sentence, no appeals would be entertained in the near future. and hey you,blueskies, stop irritating us or face stricter fines from the government.

after the trial has passed, the mentor was sobbing and hugging his wailing girlfriends at the dock.

at one corner, Blueskies was smiling cunningly*evilish grin*.

*Legend:words in colours are depicting the main characters of this trial*
*Disclaimer: the above enactment is purely for entertainment purposes. names of the characters are fictitious. should they clash with the living or dead are purely coincidental.*

Reflections #2

Prophet Muhammad (s.a.w) had this advice:

"Virtue will never disappear and sins are never forgotten and the Glorious One who cherishes us all never wanes. So do what you will.... but rest assured that you will be held accountable for all your deeds."

Your Lord, whose love and care has sustained you since you were a drop of 'mingled water' is immensely kind and gracious to those who believe and put their trust in Him. If you are sincerely trying to avoid sin, He'll replace the blunders you make with the good deeds that are part of a Muslim's everyday life.He understands all our imperfections and failings, and what He, in His unfathomable mercy, requires of us is not perfection but sincerity. For He knows. and He cares. Let each mistake be a lesson, and a reason to move ahead with greater fervour. For this is what Taubah means: returning.

Even if a true believer commits a serious sin incidentally, he should remember that the doors of repentance and atonement are always open. and i saw this from the hadith that says, the gates of paradise are open on Mondays and Thursdays. Here's another verse from the Book:

"Those who avoid great sins and shameful deeds, only (falling into) small faults,- verily thy Lord is ample in forgiveness. He knows you well when He brings you out of the earth, And when ye are hidden in your mothers' wombs. Therefore justify not yourselves: He knows best who it is that guards against evil." (53:32)

Reflections #1

Contemplating God's creation from the beginning until the day of Judgement can lead one to the knowledge that the globe and all it contains represent but an insignificant atom in the infinite domain of God. this realisation should draw one's attention to the greatness of Allah (swt) and the minuteness of human beings compared to the creator for those who choose to contemplate. in most cases, this should result in the reaffirmation of one's faith through the appreciation of God's creation, thereby qualifying the process of contemplation itself as an act of worship.

contemplation as a form of worship can also be a double edge sword in that one should be careful not to go overboard by contemplating the unimaginable essence of God, which constitues a grievous sin. Said the Prophet (s.a.w); "Reflect on the signs of God and do not reflect on His essence, for you will never be able to give Him his due."

A man who reflects at length to know God, and has had unveiled to him even the minutest portion of the secrets of His kingdom, will find in his heart such joy and unveiling that he will almost fly, and he will be amazed at his own steadfastness and firmness.

Gadget Addictions

Currently, i'm holding onto this phone X70. I remembered when it first came out, it cost more than$400. everyone at my part-time job was going ga-ga over this phone. it has a external led and if you set them according to your caller list grouping, it will light up to an array of rainbow colours and can show the picture of the person that was calling because it has a camera attached to the phone as well. very very nice... and because it's a compact flip phone, it slips out of your hand if you are not careful, and that happened to me many many times. drop on carpet, no scratches. but once it hit the cement floor. die la. but though i dropped it on the floor for many times, the phone still work quite well. except for the 'imitation' battery that i bought. it died on me for less than 6months.not because i cant afford the original but the stock has run out in most of the shops. hmm... so its time to upgrade my phone before it decides to 'die on me'. below are a few of my choices: any comments or suggestions?
a black Nokia6230. mysterious. just like me. many functions like radio, bluetooth, new games,downloadable themes, many more...

a new kid on the block. a flip phone too but a little bulky. buttons are big too. for the cork-eyed.(always sending to the wrong people like me).prices have dropped quite a bit since its launch. maybe i'll wait till it drop till $0/= haha...
i held this for about 2 weeks. much much MORE functions. has an organiser, bigger memory for your contacts,internet & email on the go, MP3 player, games, synchronization with your PC etc. but then again, i'm not that busy. i dont have so many appointments to store. so the pda's functions go a little wasted in my hands. so i sold this off.

so i better think of the more 'down-to-earth' phones. can call. can take pictures. sms-friendly phones. if there's a phone that has a BIG umbrella around the screen, whereby it can shield off staring eyes, maybe i'll introduce to Linus*. i noticed that when he sms-ed people if he's next to me, he will tilt his phone. like so afraid i will peek at him. actions like these make people more suspicious. haha... jko!

P.M.S

Pre Menstrual Syndrome. happens when its 'nearing' that time of the month. some called it the 'bloody mary' month. others termed it the 'pre-ovulation' month while Sammi Cheng actually called it 'AV'. stands for auntie visit.

If you are a husband to your wife, by now you would understands her emos already. If you are a boyfriend to your girlfriend, if she gets angry with you over something insignificant or being simply unreasonable, for sure that 'time of the month' has arrived. this is the TIME when we are feeling a little more sensitive and emotional about every minutest thing. even my mum is not spared. she has not entered menopause so she's extremely fierce when it's nearing... haha. lucky she doesnt surf my blog.

and recently, everything seemed to be moving in the wrong direction. i just longed for someone close by my heart to be concerned, to be asking about my journey on this straight path. longed for support. sometimes i found myself asking; "would i fare better if the reason of conversion was because of a partner or would i be worse than now?" and sometimes i cant help but envied those couples in my class. but being envious of someone else is not a good thing from a religious perspective because it would stir the 'satan' in you. we need to create more goodness than stirring up the 'satanic' desires. i knew there's only one thing that could help me. because i didnt quite get better after my '2nd call'. because the moment i reached the office, i became low-spirited, sad, teary, emotional and all my problems started flooding back again. off-peak PMS = no peer support, never mind. peak of PMS = why am i all alone? that's the cycle. i need to spin myself out of that. but i know i cant because i really felt lost at times but just never showed it. and suddenly, my heart yearns for the hugs i used to get from Linus*. but since it's impossible now, no point dwelling on the impossibilities.

but still, i spend 20mins on it before i focused my attention on trying to 'revive' myself. so i click and surf the links onmy sidebar and saw this verse that best suits anyone at any time of the day, month, year... here's how it goes:

If you do not deceive your Lord and turn back to Him, you’ll find Him welcoming you with open arms. In this is indeed a reason to rejoice. So, never lose hope and never stop trying. ‘The Lord is your shepherd. You shall not want. He shall make you lie down in green pastures: He shall lead you beside the still waters. He shall restore your soul: He shall lead you in the path of righteousness for His name’s sake. Though you walk through the valley of the shadow of death, fear not; for you are with Him. His rod and His staff shall comfort you.’

So hasten people.... return to Him.... (: