A regret I would live to remember

Previously about few months back, on my grandma's birthday, she looked perfectly healthy to me. but of late, i received bad news from my mum about my grandma.

she was diagnosed with lung cancer and had to go through an operation. told me the name of the hospital and wanted me to go and visit her. i was busy, i told my mum. nonetheless, i still thought about her. the very moment i had the intention to visit her, she got discharged.

then when i heard from my parents that she had temporarily stayed at one of my uncle's place, they gave me the address and told me to make time to go and see her. again, i told her i was busy. to me, i thought i was busy only for that 3 weeks. but when i finally made time and promised myself to go the very next day (10.4.06), i thought i was still early. but i was wrong.

that morning, i had the intention to wake up early for prayers but shaytan was sitting on my eyelids, and i couldnt get up. subconsciously, i know somehow i was awake and something was on my mind.

Immediately, the phone rang. my resident phone rang at 0445 hours!!! my sixth sense told me something must have happened to my grandma. Indeed, my aunt was on the other line. She exclaimed: "Grandma body is cold. Think she might have stopped breathing." i was in a total shock! Simply dazed!! and definitely regretful and remorseful that i had no chance to meet her till the moment she breathed her last. I didnt get to whisper to her, if i could, by the will of God, to acknowledge our kalimah shahadahtain.

i can't bear to break the news to my parents. my mum was awoken too but somehow she acted as though she was prepared. i wanted to follow her to my aunt's place but she said she wanna go there first and told me to go to work. I informed my brother via a sms. Apparently, today is his birthday. An unfortunate 'collision' of good and bad memories.

I went to work and applied for leave for the next couple of days. i still couldnt imagine that i have to bear this regret for the rest of the hours, days, weeks or months or years... but besides this, what frightens me most was to go through the rituals of 'praying to the dead person'.
as a muslim, i am not able to perform those rituals. but that doesn't strip me away of being a filial granddaughter to my grandma. i still have my ways of paying respect to her in a islamic manner.

unfortunately, my mum wouldnt understand that. neither would my dad. May Allah relieve me of the overwhelming challenges i need to face for the next couple of days during the funeral wake procession...