The agonising and sinful rituals

This post describes my experience of going through the rituals as a muslim in a 'traditional chinese and traditionally-orientated' funeral procedures.
*Disclaimer: does not represent or discriminate any other race or religion whatsoever*at the sole discretion and rights of the writer.

10.4.06
The first night of the wake. i even went for my dinner with my colleagues before i went there. no prayers were performed.Pheeww... but i was summoned up to the altar to offer my last respects. held the joss stick in my hand and mumbled some prayers. was told to kneel down infront of her and bow 3 times. did as told but was feeling terribly inside. My mum said i can go back and clear my work tomorrow before applying for compassionate leave. i called up and sought consolation with my mentor.

11.4.06
My aunt gave me a lift after work to the wake. took my dinner first. prolonged my arrival at the wake so as to avoid the ritual. thank god. i managed to skip that one.

12.4.06 ~ 13.4.06
my official 2 days of my c/leave. horror begins... i was forced to wake up early. got shouted to wake up when i slept till 11am. was told that the prayers would begin at 2pm. sharks!!!!
quickly packed all my necc stuff (prayer mat, scarf,compass,towel) into my bag.
During these 2 days,there was no way to avoid those rituals and prayers that were arranged by my mum's friends. i prayed and prayed to allah that i could get myself away from such situations but i didnt. perhaps because this was meant to teach me a lesson, provide me with an everlasting sinful experience!

The gist of it was, i had to hold sutra books, kneel down, bow and walked around the coffin and the altar for 3 consecutive times. but of course, while they were singing away in the 'namo amitabha' chorus, i was frantically submerging myself into acts of praising God and glorifying Him. constantly repeating my shahadah statement (La ilaha illallah) THERE IS NO OTHER GOD WORTHY OF WORSHIP EXCEPT ALLAH S.W.T

In my first encounter with the ritual on the first afternoon, i did as i was told but i felt really terribly guilty. the 2nd and 3rd and the 4th days during the wake when rituals were unavoided, i 'discounted' myself. i went through all that i was 'commanded' to follow but becoz i hid myself towards the last row of the procession, i carried out a fake act of kneeling down but not literally kneeling. i held the joss stick and also carried a fake act of bowing down but only casting my eyes at the bottom. i wasnt sure if anybody saw this but i couldnt care less anymore. at this point i need to stress that, by doing this doesnt mean that i'm not being unfilial to my grandma. there are logical reasons for avoiding these rituals. will explain shortly...

i remembered running away on the 3rd night for my asar and magrib prayers, purposely coming back late so that i could avoid the night prayers. but was reprimanded by my mum that i was no longer allowed to leave the wake unless emergencies occured and require me to do so... (does kidnapping by my colleagues constitute an emergency?)

the funeral procession was due to take place on Friday afternoon and cremation to take place about 2pm. those cousins, including my brother that were unable to make it for the early part of the funeral turned up for the morning rituals. it was only during this ritual, i cried. but nobody saw it.. because i was sitting in the last row...

random thoughts ran through my mind...
about burning away my grandma. about the terrible feeling of doing something i dread to do. about my cousins following blindly things which by logical sense doesnt make any dollars or cents about what they were told to carry out. about my immediate family members being involved in shirik acts, engaging in acts which doesnt do any good to their life in the Hereafter. about how long do i need to take to 'convert' my family into muslims. about the fear of sending my parents in this way i most hate to send..

in my next post, i will then elaborate why i'm kicking such a big fuss about the rituals. got to go and finish my notes for tomorrow.