Marriage is never a bed of roses.
You may have heard this over and over again.
When i was dating, i always imagined marriage to complete the picture of couplehood. Marriage is the answer to dreadful partings. Marriage is the answer to more affection.. When i was dating, i wanted marriage. But now that i'm married, i realised that the picture of marriage is not 'perfectly perfect' the way i imagined it to be.
I was experiencing mixed feelings about this process called 'marriage', that our Prophet (saw) was encouraging his ummah to do.
I still remembered that we were enthusiastically doing some pre-nuptial research about marriage. We went to the library,borrowed this book called 'Tranquil Hearts', a publication by Darul Arqam, compiled by many local ustazs and ustazahs for the marriage guidance course. We also bought a book from Wardah bookstore called 'A Muslim Marriage Guide'. I recommend this book to all lovers who aspires to tie the knot with their special one.
I told myself that i want to apply all the theorotical knowledge into my 'Marriage Practicum'.
When the day came, and days passed.... weeks passed.... i realised that it wasn't that easy. At times, i admit that i had alot of "nonsense thoughts" up in my head. I was struggling. I felt that the whisperings came when the "bad thoughts" arises. This is really bad, i told myself in my prayers. May Allah swt shower upon me His mercy and forgiveness. Astaghfirullah.
And the quote below which crossed my path when i was begging for guidance by Him. Its by a famous shaykh and would like to share with all:
You don't choose whom you love. He chooses them. If you had that choice to choose; then the road would be simple. Whom he puts in your life, is part of your test: to bear with them, to accept them and most of all to love them despite all that they may agitate you with. After all, they come from Him and they return to Him, just like you did and will do. "...And We have made some of you as a trial for others: will you have patience? And your Lord is Ever All-Seer (Surah al-Furqan:20)
5 comments:
Hi,
The experience of marriage is different for everybody. It is indeed important to look at the reasons why one got married in the first place and the reasons for choosing that particular partner.
There is a hadith about the reasons for choosing a partner such as beauty, wealth, standing in society etc but the best reason is for a person's piety (of course i guess there could be combination of the above reasons!)
Anyway, apart from the above, from my experience, you have to work at marriage and not assume that everything will fall into place once you have done so. It may also sometimes be important to have support in the form of family and close friends (however depending on the type of friends and family each of you have, this may not always be the case).
Sometimes outside forces such as work stress and family interference could also have an impact on the marriage. The important thing is for both you and your husband to be on "the same page" and have the same goals and direction in the marriage. This is especially so if you intend to have children - you will have many more decisions to make then.
Having said all that, I wish to state that marriage and having kids is overall indeed a wonderful and blessed experience. Its just that, when you live so closely to someone else, there is bound to be some friction at times. The important thing is to have a "give and take" attitude and not let any argument or bad blood which may arise to fester for too long. Nor should one raise it in the future again if the matter is resolved.
Anyway, I think I have taken too much space here.
I wish you and your husband all the very best in your marriage. May Allah's blessing be with both of you always.
Hi Anonymous,
Thanks for that wonderful piece of advice.
Indeed, one can never always live on our own expectations and imaginations to lead one's life.
I didn't stop trying to work things out, and i hope, in the long run,i wouldn't stop trying no matter what happens.
If you ever drop by again, just wanna say thanks a million,for sharing such important and valuable experience with me.
May Allah swt bestow upon you blessings and bountiful rewards in this world and the Hereafter.Amin.
Alhamdulillah
I am not exactly an expert in this area (my profession is the exact opposite), but perhaps if we look at the list below, it may give us an idea of some areas which we can work on - note the priority given by each category - and it will give an insight to the differences between how a husband and a wife look at things:
In a 1986 study of 351 marriages which had lasted for at least 15 years, the question was asked, "What are the most important ingredients in your experience of marriage?"
The responses are listed in order of frequency as named by husbands and wives who were interviewed separately.
HUSBANDS' RESPONSES
1. My spouse is my best friend.
2. I like my spouse as a person.
3. Marriage is a long-term commitment.
4. Marriage is sacred.
5. We agree on aims and goals.
6. My spouse has grown more interesting.
7. I want the relationship to succeed.
8. An enduring marriage is important to social stability.
9. We laugh together.
10. I am proud of my spouse's achievements.
11. We agree on a philosophy of life.
12. We agree about our sex life.
WIVES' RESPONSES
1. My spouse is my best friend.
2. I like my spouse as a person.
3. Marriage is a long-term commitment.
4. Marriage is sacred.
5. We agree on aims and goals.
6. My spouse has grown more interesting.
7. I want the relationship to succeed.
8. We laugh together.
9. We agree on a philosophy of life.
10. We agree on how and how often to show affection.
11. An enduring marriage is important to social stability.
12. We have a stimulating exchange.
بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم
And those who pray, "Our Lord! Grant unto us wives and offspring who will be the comfort of our eyes, and give us (the grace) to lead the righteous." [Quran 25:74]
.......
Assalamu'alaikum WBT,
Thanks so much Shafiqa. :)
I do desire my children to enjoy the security of loving parents - loved & cared for by 2 people who love each other dearly. I think it reflects & affects the children's wellbeing.
I love the companionship of marriege. Loneliness is just not the way of life for humans. :)
Someone said marriege is "U" shape. I don't know if it's true, but it was said if you pass the low point you'll succeed to a high one. Like a test, perhaps? Strengthened bonds after passing hardships together. God Knows Best.
Wishing you much happiness in you life & marriege. God Bless, life is a trial. Yet with every harship there is relief.
:)
Salam,
I noticed verse al-Furqan:20 is different. :T
بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم
And the messengers whom We sent before thee were all (men) who ate food and walked through the streets: We have made some of you as a trial for others: will ye have patience? for Allah is One Who sees (all things) [Quran 25:20]
God Bless, salam. :)
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